The Laughing Fox
by Lord Dragon Claw
Summary: What if Naruto were to be raised by the Joker? Such an idea is so wrong, and yet so right. Not to be taken too seriously.
1. No Joke

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. The Joker and Harley Quinn belong to DC.

Chapter One: No Joke

* * *

In a secret lab hidden somewhere near the city of Gotham... 

"Now I will begin the experiment to see if I can pull allies from other dimensions to aid me," stated Brainiac, the psychopathic ancient computer from Krypton. "Temporarily, anyway."

He turned to his newly constructed interdimensional portal projection device only to find it missing. In its place was a handwritten note on pink paper. Brainiac walked over and picked it up, and began reading. It was in English, and said:

"Dear Bolts-for-Brains,  
"The toy you were working on seemed to be _so_ shiny, I could blind a bat with it, so I took it. Some _computer_ you are, unable to _even_ detect Harley and me as we stole something from right under your nose. If you even _call_ that thing a nose. Heh. Anyway, I figure I could find a more _inventive_ way of using it.  
"Your _bestest_ friend in the _whole_ universe,  
"Mr. J"

Enraged, Brainiac crumpled the paper in his hand. "There is no way that I'd be able to enter Gotham and steal it back without Batman, and the rest of the Justice League, noticing. And I'm not going to make another to have it stolen from me again. I'll just have to leave Earth and observe as the Joker blows it up." He then made preparations to leave.

* * *

A week later, in one of the Joker's secret hideouts (even Batman doesn't know about it)... 

"Harley?"

"Yes, Pud'n?"

"When I flip this switch, we have no idea what type of interdimensional _demon_ we'll unleash on our world when I do so, now _do we_?"

"Last I checked, we had no idea. Not like it _ever_ stopped us before."

"Ye he he he he he heeee! I LOOOOOOOVE my job!" And then he flipped the final switch. The device, which looked like a large ring reminiscent of "_Stargate__ SG-1_", began to glow, and the empty space was filled with an unknown energy. It looked kind of like rippling water though. Then, images began to appear on the "surface" of the energy. Japanese writing was abundant, scenes of battles flew by, and the Joker and Harley even glimpsed some sort of multi-tailed fox, before the image became a facsimile of Mount Rushmore. Then, there was a flash of red light, and the portal bulged outward, dropped something, and the whole device shut down.

Harley blinked. Joker blinked. They approached the object that was dropped. It appeared to be a bunch of baby blankets wrapped around something. Then it stirred. And began to cry. Harley picked it up, and began unwrapping it. It was a baby, with blonde hair and whisker-like marks on his cheeks. Curious, Joker approached. Then he saw something. A dog tag? He held it to where he could read it. It was in Japanese. It was a language that he was familiar with, if a bit rusty. It read: "Uzumaki Naruto". Interesting.

At this time, Harley finally got Naruto to stop crying, by singing to him:

"Hush little baby,  
"Don't say a word,  
"Momma's gonna steal you a mocking bird,  
"And if that bird won't sing,  
"Momma's gonna deep-fry that thing..."

Joker observed this for a moment, and then had an idea. Once Naruto was asleep, he spoke to Harley softly.

"Har? I know how much you _want_ to have a family, so we'll just _have to_ raise this boy to be _our_ son." Harley smiled, and Joker smiled back. Then he looked thoughtful for a moment. "Let's try to raise him _without_ using Smilex..."

"What should we name him?"

"He has a name: Naruto."

"What kind of name is that?"

"Well, it's Japanese. And since it's written in katakana, his name means two things: whirlpool and fishcake."

"A whirlpool of fishcakes?" she asked, stifling a laugh.

"Hahahahaha! Let's keep it!"

"Tee hee! Yes, let's!"

* * *

Over a period of six years, the Clown Prince of Crime and his "bride" raised Naruto to be very much like them. At no given time was both the Joker and Harley in Arkham at the same time. Batman noticed this pattern, but none of his guesses as to why were anywhere near the mark. 

Both Joker and Harley were astounded by Naruto's hyperactiveness, eagerness, and stamina. They also noticed that when he accidentally hurt himself, he healed very quickly. They also found that he was getting physically stronger as time passed on. By the time he turned five, he could already bench 145 pounds! Naruto became skilled at mind games at such an early age. Naruto already knew how to set traps, and had the formula for Smilex memorized. As a family, they had all learned Japanese because Harley thought it was relevant.

The Joker was proud of his son. Why, the last playmate they had captured for him actually survived for six months, before Harley accidentally killed her. Naruto was learning restraint.

And they even learned that Naruto had a voice in his head. Naruto said that it was advising him to maim, kill, destroy, etc.

"And _how_ is this different from what _we_ tell you?" was Harley's reply.

"I was simply letting you know it was there," was Naruto's retort.

Yesterday was Naruto's sixth birthday, and his present was his very own sawed-off shotgun (which Naruto called a boomstick). Naruto had yet to name it. Although he did ask if he was adopted. Joker simply said, "Yes, but that doesn't make you any less our son." Naruto was happy with the answer.

However, Joker was feeling a bit on the glum side today. His plans had just been foiled by Batsy for the umpteenth time. He was back at square one again. Then, he got an idea. When he presented it to Harley, she liked the idea. They began packing their bags...

"Kaa-san?" asked Naruto, when he noticed Harley packing some of her favorite weapons into a suitcase. "Are we going somewhere?"

Harley looked up and smiled. "Yes, Naru-kun. We are. We're going to the world where you came from, to have a fresh start."

"What should I pack?"

"All your clothing and your favorite weapons."

"Okay, Kaa-san!" He ran off to do so.

When he was coming back, he came across his clown of a father.

"Daddy?"

"Mmm-yeah?"

"If we leave, who's going to kill Mr. Batty?"

"I already thought ahead. I left _clues_ for him to find this hideout. When he gets here, he'll get a _surprise_! If that doesn't finish him, he'll drive _himself_ mad looking for us. _Either_ way, I win! Hee hee heeeeeee!"

"Yaa ha ha haaa! A perfect prank!"

They entered one of the labs to find that Harley was warming up the portal projector. The Clown Prince of Crime was carrying four large bags whereas his son was carrying six bags and wearing an overstuffed backpack. Harley had eight bags of her own sitting near the device (she was the most physically strong of the three). Also, her two pet hyenas were sitting near the projector. As the Mistress of Jokes was performing the final checks, her partner in crime was setting up the final trap that the bat would witness... if it worked. It would also prevent anyone from following them. When he finished, he and Naruto got into position, and the hyenas followed suite. Harley flipped the final switch, and ran over to grab her bags.

Again, the liquid surface showed various scenes before finally settling on the Mount Rushmore wannabe. They quickly ran through the portal and were gone. The machine shut itself off again.

* * *

Several hours later, Batman entered the complex. He found most of the rooms vacant of all life. Some of the labs had experiments that were in various stages of completion, as if the Joker and Harley had left in a hurry, or on a whim. He suspected that it was both. What surprised him was that in one room was a child's bed. When did he see Harley pregnant? He didn't. They must have been keeping a child as a prisoner for quite some time then. However, there was no clothing in any of the rooms, though there were dressers. Joker must be playing a new sort of sick joke on him then. 

Finally, Batman came across the lab with the interdimensional portal projector. When he walked through its only door, he set off a motion detector. Bars slammed down over the doorway. It was then that he saw a very large bomb labeled "For Batty, with Love". Then he heard the Joker's voice.

"Why if it isn't the flying RAT! Don't worry, I can't actually _see_ you, as this is a _recording_. Good luck _finding_ me! If you _survive_ that is! Yeeeee hee hee haa haa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Have a nice day!"

At this time, Batman had cut an opening in the bars (with a cordless, diamond-edged cutting tool) large enough for him to get through. Then the bomb went off, destroying the lab and everything in it.

* * *

The Sandaime was perturbed by these pale-faced lunatics who claimed to have adopted Naruto as their son. He was unnerved by their sudden appearance in the same room where the boy had disappeared almost six years ago. 

"Oh come on ya old koot," complained the man with sickly green hair in Japanese. "Let us become ninja for this place! We're _great_ at laying traps and interrogating people! Plus we can make all sorts of poisons to _lace_ your weapons with!"

The third Hokage glanced behind the clown to look at Kakashi, Ibiki, and Anko, who had all aided in capturing the Joker, Harley, and Naruto. Kakashi was reading his book, as always, but he was keeping a close watch on the Joker, to be sure that the man didn't try anything. Anko was standing behind Harley, and Harley was simply cleaning some sort of strange tool that resembled a crossbow, but had a metal cylinder where the bow part and the bolt should have been. Naruto was either drawing or writing something on a piece of paper, and Ibiki was watching him, but with a surprised expression on his face. Odd, Ibiki hardly ever showed emotion.

"Fine," conceded Sarutobi, with a puff on his pipe. "But we'll have to set some ground rules. You can't kill anyone from the village unless they try to kill you or Naruto, you can't give any of our secrets away, and you will obey the orders you are given."

"Sounds fair," replied Joker. "We'll need a plot of land to build our house though. And we'd like to take our son's surname as our family name."

"Very well. Your family name shall be registered as Uzumaki. What are your given names?"

"Joker."

"Harley."

The third Hokage began writing. "This is a declaration. It says that Uzumaki Joker, Uzumaki Harley, and Uzumaki Naruto shall be given full residency status in Konoha. Joker and Harley shall have temporary chuunin rank - your actual ranks shall be determined later. It will also give you the supplies needed to build your house. I hope you don't mind living near the Forest of Death?"

He then saw all three of them grin. Harley's grin was freaky. Joker's was downright creepy. However, Naruto's was the worst. It seemed to be a combination of the infamous fox grin and his father's grin. It was all that the Sandaime could do to keep himself from running in fear. By the kami, what had he done?

* * *

After the meeting, the Hokage had requested Ibiki's presence. 

"What was the boy writing?" asked Sarutobi.

"An interrogator's flowchart - a kind of plan for the kinds of mind games one might play while questioning someone," was the interrogation expert's reply. "The plan he was writing was primitive, but extremely effective. I was impressed."

"Interesting. I want you and Joker to work together - both for you to see if he is as good as he says and so that you can keep an eye on him."

"I was hoping you might say that."

* * *

Back at the Batcave... (What? You seriously thought a measly explosion would kill him?) 

Batman didn't know what to do. He had interrogated many of the Joker's henchmen, but none of them knew where he was, other than he was last seen at that laboratory complex that had blown up in Batman's face. He had already notified the Justice League that the Joker had disappeared without a trace.

Wait... wasn't there some sort of door-like structure? Yes, that was what the bomb was strapped to. It was vaguely familiar... wait a minute. It was Kryptonian in design, wasn't it? Yes, it was. He had to notify Superman at once!

* * *

Ibiki was impressed. Joker was more sadistic than he was, and was extremely efficient at getting information from prisoners. Of course, Joker tended to kill some of the prisoners, but those deaths were so excruciating and weird that the other prisoners would talk very freely, if to avoid the same fate. At Joker's request, Ibiki had referred to him during the interrogations simply as "Mr. J", and Joker's reputation as an extremely effective interrogator quickly spread throughout the Fire Country. 

The house that the Uzumakis had built was fairly large, but Ibiki had been inside of it. It was enormous, especially since they apparently had time to build an underground complex! Also, they had many expertly laid traps all over their compound.

Ibiki had talked with the Sandaime and soon the Uzumaki family will be trained in molding chakra. Of course, the Hyuuga and Uchiha families objected, but most of the jounins and chuunins agreed that Joker, Harley, and Naruto should be trained.

The non-ninja villagers still saw Naruto as Kyuubi, and tried to vent their hatred against the Uzumaki family. It had taken only a week before the villagers learned to stop attacking the Uzumaki home, as many died due to the traps, and a few were mauled by the two hyenas.

* * *

Anko was impressed by Harley's skills. Apparently, Harley had always subconsciously used her chakra in order to hide large objects behind her back and to give herself increased strength and dexterity. As Harley learned how to be a ninja and learned ninjutsu, she incorporated her two other abilities into her fighting style. Also, Anko noticed that all three Uzumakis had green-colored chakra, as opposed to the usual blue or white. Apparently, this chakra was poisonous and acidic on its most basic levels. When Anko asked Harley why she thought that this was so, Harley figured that it must have been all the chemicals that they've dealt with on a regular basis, including their secret family recipe. 

"What recipe?" inquired the snake ninja.

"Smilex," was Harley's reply.

"What does that do?"

"There are two types of Smilex. The first makes your body's muscles freeze up, the heart and diaphragm last. However, your facial muscles are permanently stuck in a smile. The other type forces you to laugh to death. Only a steady supply of morphine can keep you from doing so, but at that point, you're useless anyway. All three of us are immune to Smilex though."

"Devious..." replied the serpentine kunoichi.

"You should see some of our weapons!" Anko sweatdropped.

* * *

Joker was very happy living like a ninja. He considered himself to be quite a sneaky one too. Not quiet, but sneaky. Using himself as the distraction, he could do all sorts of things to enemy ninja. Anyway, he still wore his "business" suit, but he also wore the forehead protector on his head, slightly off-center. Okay, very off-center. The left-hand brads were positioned in the center of his forehead. Harley wore her usual skin-tight spandex, and wore her forehead protector like a belt. Naruto hadn't graduated from the academy yet, so he didn't have one. He did find some goggles somewhere though, and wore those on his forehead. At first, Naruto had wanted to wear an orange jumpsuit, but Joker got him a black one instead, saying that it was more practical anyway. 

Yes, Joker was happy. There were all sorts of rules he had to follow, but he could always get research subjects from elsewhere. Plus, he and Harley had been promoted to jounin status very quickly. Yes, happy happy joy joy! Finally, a place where his talents would be appreciated!

* * *

End Chapter One. 

Next chapter: Itachi goes nuts, Joker hears of a certain summoning contract, and Harley introduces firearms to the world of ninjas.

Author's Notes

First of all, a thank you to my prereaders MagusNecromancer (friend from a forum), Sauron999 (my little brother), and Lord Shadner (friend from real life).

Also, Lord Shadner is the culprit who helped me come up with the idea for this story.

And no, Naruto hasn't met Kyuubi yet. He simply can hear the fox's mutterings and rants in the back of his mind.


	2. A Laughing Matter

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Do I _look_ like I've been disclaimed?!

Key: "Japanese." ")English.("

Chapter Two: A Laughing Matter

* * *

Joker was strolling through Konoha, singing: 

")What a beautiful mor-ning!(  
")What a beautiful day!(  
")I have a beautiful feel-( **WHAT!?!?**"

This immediately made everyone pay attention to their own business and ignore Joker. His grin became even wider as he remembered what had happened earlier that morning.

* * *

Four Iwanins (Rock Ninjas, from the Earth Country), had been caught snooping around Konoha. It was up to Uzumaki Joker and Morino Ibiki to determine what they were doing there. Joker had taken the toughest-looking one into a separate room and Ibiki generated a complex genjutsu so that the other three could hear their teammate's screams, but they wouldn't be able to understand a word he said. Ibiki decided to try to get some information out of them without killing them. 

"Now, the man with the sickly-green hair is known simply as )Mr. J( and he is a very enthusiastic interrogator." They began to hear some screaming from the other room. "You can answer my questions now, or I can hand you over to-" He was interrupted by Joker opening the door in between the rooms. Screams could still be heard.

"Hey Morino-san! My last kunai just got _stuck_... can I borrow one of yours?" Ibiki simply handed him a kunai. Joker closed the door.

"-him for questioning."

All three of them responded at once. "WE'LL TALK!! WE'LL TALK!!" Ibiki simply grinned.

In the other room, Joker was having a blast. His... victim had finally stopped screaming, and was now sobbing. Joker asked the questions regarding the man's intentions. After he wrote down the answers, he then asked if the man had any other useful information that might make the clown/ninja a little more merciful.

"There is a summoning contract," the Earth national said, in between painful gasps. "that you might be interested in. It is for jackals and hyenas."

"Tell me _more_," responded the pale-faced man.

* * *

After Joker had gotten what information he wanted, he simply gave the man a cyanide pie. Joker was going home to tell his family the news. They would have to ask the Sandaime for permission to go on an expedition to the far corner of the Earth Country, but it would be worth it! 

Joker walked down the path made of large stones to the front door of the Uzumaki estate (as it was the only safe pathway to the door). He was careful not to step on the pink-colored stone, as it was a 50,000 volt shockpad. He entered the building and went into the basement, where the sounds of Harley training Naruto could be heard. He walked into the training room just in time to see Naruto initiate Harley's trademark Cartwheel Style. Harley looked as if she could care less. Just when Naruto got within range, Harley gave him a boot to the head.

THWACK! Naruto sailed across the room - THUD! - hitting the far wall and landing in a heap. After a few seconds, Naruto sat up and shook off the dizziness.

"Son," Joker began. "You need to be _careful_ when fighting people. You _never_ know _when_ they'll give you a _boot_ to the head."

"I kinda figured that out."

"Anyway, I have good news!"

Harley raised an eyebrow. "How? There are no cars in this world and therefore no car insurance."

"That's not what I meant."

Harley and Naruto both snickered. Then they burst into laughter. Appreciative of good jokes (and of bad jokes, and, in fact, of any jokes whatsoever), Joker soon joined them.

* * *

Sarutobi realized that he would have to give in to the Uzumaki family's request. Who knows what trouble they'll cause if they don't get what they want? Besides, for the most part, the three of them have been behaving themselves. However, he would have to send someone to keep an eye on them. Hmmm... maybe that genius from the Uchiha family. 

"Joker."

"Yes?"

"I've thought it over and I've decided to allow you to go, but on one condition."

"Sounds fair. What will be the _condition_?"

"I'll be sending Uchiha Itachi along with you to..."

Joker interrupted. "... keep an _eye_ on us?"

The old man blinked. "... yes."

"Deal."

"Wait, what?"

"Well, I _figured_ that there would be a _catch_, but I was prepared for one that was a lot _worse_ than the weasel."

Well, the Hokage couldn't argue Joker's logic (no point, really) but he was surprised that Joker came prepared to make a deal. This foreign summoning contract must be really important to the clown ninja. Not that he would go back on the deal, but the Sandaime wondered who Joker considered to be worse than Itachi.

Anyway, Sarutobi considered that this would be good training for Itachi as well. Because if the Uchiha genius could learn to get along with the Uzumakis, then he could deal with anyone. He just hoped that Itachi's sanity remained mostly intact after the journey. If not, then the rest of the Uchiha clan should be able to put him down, right?

* * *

Uchiha Itachi was not a happy camper. That much Harley could see. Like all the other bird-brain Uchihas, the little weasel was full of pride and had no sense of humor. At least in the other world Bird-Brain had a sense of humor. As an added bonus, their two pet hyenas annoyed the snot out of him. Anyway, Joker kept pestering the spoiled brat, ranging from openly mocking him, to making strange noises when his back was turned, to asking him random and purely unrelated questions. 

"WHAT THE HELL DOES THE COLOR OF MY TOOTHBRUSH HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?!?"

"Just _asking_. Sheesh. _What_ a temper!"

Well, the effects were obvious. And what was Joker trying to do? Entertain Naruto, obviously. Said blonde boy was in a giggling fit. Harley admitted (to herself) that it was a hilarious way to pass the time, and entertain their son.

Joker decided to mock the teenager again. "I don't _know_ why you seem to think that yelling is a _good_ idea. We _are_ in the Earth Country, admittedly _enemy_ territory, and you don't seem to _understand_ the meaning of the words _ninja_, _silence_, _stealth_, or _whispering_."

Harley was sure that if Itachi was any more annoyed, his head would explode. Literally. She decided it was time to intervene. "Pud'n."

")Mmm-yeah?("

")I think we need to get Mr. Weasel back to Konoha alive.("

")_What_? Is he sick?("

Harley gave him a look. ")I appreciate that you're trying to entertain our boy but I think you've pushed it far enough.("

"_Okay_, Honey. You're _right_. I _won't_ bother him for the rest of the _trip_." Joker's fingers were crossed behind his back. Itachi couldn't see, but Naruto and Harley could. Naruto did his best to keep from laughing. And he was succeeding. Harley simply rolled her eyes. Itachi looked relieved and quickly schooled his features. Then his eye twitched when the hyenas chuckled a bit.

Off in the bushes, a four-man team of Iwanins were planning on stopping these Konohanins. Capturing them all was a priority. The Uchiha would be useful for genetic studies, and the pale-faced, sickly green-haired one matched the descriptions of Fire Country's infamous "Mr. J", who in the short time of five months somehow managed to make it into every country's Bingo Book. They figured capturing the blonde brat first would be the best course of action. Certainly a six-year-old wasn't all that dangerous, right?

* * *

The Uzumaki family (plus one very annoyed Uchiha) came across a small village one afternoon. Harley decided that they would spend the night at the inn. Itachi ordered his own room and paid for it himself. Joker decided that Naruto should have his own room as well, and Harley hesitantly agreed. Naruto seemed a little worried, but then Harley eased his fears. 

"Naruto, you do realize you are scarier than anything that might try to get to you in the dark, right?"

"Good point. Goodnight, Kaa-san!"

It is interesting to note that Itachi was the last to fall asleep, as he hated the pranks Joker pulled on him. Because of that, Itachi was dead tired, and didn't notice any of the noises coming from the room next to his.

The next morning, Itachi was the first to awaken (as he really didn't like a pie in the face every morning). When he was finished getting ready he exited his room just in time to see Joker walking out of the room across the hall with a pie in hand. Joker blinked, then smirked. He then stepped to the side as Harley came out of the same room. She looked from one ninja to the other, before heading to the room next to Itachi's - Naruto's room.

"Well, _maybe_ my son will _appreciate_ a wake-up call," Joker said. He followed Harley into Naruto's room. Itachi decided to watch.

"Son? Where are you? This prank was funny the first nine times but it's gotten old!" Harley said as she looked around the room for her blue-eyed boy. It was obvious to Itachi that there was some sort of struggle in the room the night before, but he refrained from commenting. Joker set the pie down on the nightstand, sat on the bed, and plucked a piece of paper from the pillow. He read it and chuckled.

"Har? Get a _load_ of this." She walked over and read it. Then she giggled.

"What's so amusing?" the black-haired teenager asked. Joker handed him the sheet. Itachi read it, and grew worried for the brat, even though he hated the whole Uzumaki family. It said:

"We have your son. If you wish to see him alive, you will surrender yourselves by noon at the grove to the north. He will only live if all three of you show up. Come unarmed or else we shall take his head as a souvenir back to Iwa. And do not bring your hyenas."

It was not signed.

"How can you possibly find this amusing?"

Harley rolled her eyes. "You think this is the first time this has happened?"

Joker chuckled again. "Gets more hilarious _each_ time!"

Itachi was appalled. "What does?"

"You'll _see_. Come on! Let's _go_ watch the _show_!"

* * *

They walked into the grove and found all four of the Iwanins standing there, waiting. The Stone Ninja furthest to the back was holding Naruto off the ground with his right arm (clutching the boy to his chest) and had a kunai at his neck. Naruto looked bored. 

"So you have come to surrender," the female Iwanin, who was obviously the leader of this team, said.

"Actually," Joker began. "we came to watch the show."

That was Naruto's cue. Using his left hand he grabbed his captor's family jewels and began shocking them. Paralyzed, the man dropped the kunai, and Naruto twisted and grabbed his face with his right hand. Again with the electricity. Naruto then grabbed the back of his head with his left hand and began to liberally fry the poor Iwanin's brain.

"Gotta love the chackra-powered joybuzzers we invented last month!" Harley said.

"I love how we disguised them as our gloves," stated Joker.

"There's still three enemy ninja who need to die," deadpanned Itachi. He drew several kunai.

* * *

Well, the leader escaped the fight somehow and had fled into the village. Joker and Harley decided that there should be no witnesses. 

"No. I am not going to kill civilians."

"_Fine_, weasel-boy! But you'll _have_ to wake up pretty early tomorrow to _avoid_ what's _coming_ to you!"

"... I'll help you round them up, but I won't do the actual killing part."

"Good boy! You get a fish!" Joker reached into his business suit, and seemingly pulled a still-living salmon out of a pocket, and dropped it into Itachi's lap.

"Have you been carrying this around all day?"

"Of course _not_."

Naruto spoke up. "That's just silly!" Itachi sweatdropped, and then he twitched when the hyenas laughed (presumably, at him) again.

* * *

They gathered every living human into the village square. Harley then shouted: "If any of you are ninja, raise your hand!" 

No one raised their hand. The hyenas chuckled.

"Pity," said Naruto. Harley reached behind her back, and pulled out a chain gun.

"Allow me to introduce Freddie!"

Harley was clearly proud of the name she had given her weapon. Of all the people assembled, only Naruto and his parents actually knew what kind of weapon it was that the clown kunoichi held. She then unloaded it on the small mass of people. Faces, heads, and torsos were riddled with bullets before there were only 23 living things left in the village (8 of them were birds, 2 of them were cats, 5 of them were of the rodent variety, another 2 were hyenas, and the remaining 4 were human).

"That is an interesting weapon..." commented Itachi.

"No soup for you!" was Harley's reply.

Blink. "What does 'soup' have to do with anything?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "I'm six, and even I know that what mommy said was just an expression." Suddenly, Itachi wished that the little brat had died in the fight earlier that day. Rage began to boil within him when the hyenas laughed again. Then the two canine beasts went in amongst the dead and began eating.

* * *

Several weeks later... 

Uchiha Itachi had finally returned home! He was mildly happy... sort of. He decided that he needed more power though... Wait, he heard of the Mangekyou Sharingan... He decided to meet with his best friend Uchiha Shisui that night... even though there was an Uchiha Clan Meeting scheduled.

On the other hand, the Uzumaki family was seen carrying ten coffins with them into their lair. Joker carried two; Naruto carried one; Harley carried three (one strapped to her back) and the hyenas carried two each, tied to them like packmules. Gekko Hayate was sent to ask what the coffins were for.

"These are... _volunteers_ in my research about kekkei genkai," replied the Joker. And since the Uzumaki family was permitted to research such things (as long as none from the Fire Country were used in the research), Hayate let them go.

Later that week, the entire Uchiha clan, save two, were murdered in a single night.

* * *

End Chapter Two. 

Next chapter: Naruto goes to the academy and redefines the phrase "class clown".

Author's Notes

Holy Hell this was a beast! Well, it's not big, but it was getting difficult for me to write... details later.

Any discrepancies with the actual timeline of Naruto are intentional. Everything else... also intentional.

I hope some of you have noticed already, but whenever Joker speaks, some of his words are _italicized_. These are instances where he puts his special emphasis on certain words. And if any of you are wondering, the Joker featured here is the Mark Hamill Joker, from the animated series in the early 90's.

And now for the bad news. Looks like I won't be able to continue to write the other fanfic I had going, the one called "The Prophecy of the Four Horsemen". All **_three_** of you are disappointed, I know.

And now for the good news. I will continue to write this fanfic until it's done. What? You seriously thought I switched to Geico? You crazy!

Anyway, if any of you have some particularly good Joker or Harley Quinn quotes you'd like to see used in this fanfic, go ahead and tell me.

And now for the reasons why it's been getting difficult for me to write. Life, work, and idiotic siblings. That about sums it up. Anyway, I will try to get at least one update per month. No promises though.

(... it seems like I like to use the word "anyway" a lot. Oh well.)


	3. Academy Daze

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: I forgot to add a disclaimer!

Key: "Japanese." ")English.("

Chapter Three: Academy Daze

* * *

With the beginning of a new academy year (and Naruto having been brought up to speed on every lesson he missed since age four in the matter of seven months), Harley decided that it was time for her little boy to go to the ninja academy to become a genin. So he was sent off to the academy early in the morning (as it was pretty far from the Forest of Death).

Much of the village was still in shock about the massacre of the Uchiha clan, as most of the police officers in the town had been Uchihas. Some of the villagers blamed the Uzumaki family for making the murderer insane, while others blame the murderer, Uchiha Itachi, and his lust for power. Naruto was aware that it actually was a combination of the two. Though, Naruto was puzzled by the fact that the weasel didn't kill his younger brother Sasuke. Oh well, no matter.

Naruto looked back to see one of their pet hyenas following him. This was the one who had the darker fur and he was a little smaller than the other one, who happened to be a boy. Neither of his parents had named them, but Naruto felt that they should have names.

")Hey there, Clyde. Walking me to school?(" The hyena replied with a chuckle. Naruto then noticed that it was still walking with a limp. ")Oh, sorry Clyde! I forgot about what happened two weeks ago! You, me, and Bonnie were roughhousing, and you happened to bite me, so I bit back. Sorry that it didn't completely heal, I didn't mean to put my chakra into it.(" Clyde licked Naruto's face, seemingly forgiving him. The blonde kid smiled.

As he got further into town, most people stayed the hell away from him and his pet hyena. Those that didn't, were either stupid or weren't watching where they were going. But then there was that weird kid with the sunglasses, black hair, and turtleneck jacket... no, it wasn't quite a turtleneck as it didn't hug his neck. The kid seemed perfectly at home with any kind of animal. Then Naruto noticed something crawling on the sunglass kid's face..

"You're an Aburame, aren't you?"

"And you're the psychopath Uzumaki child."

"And proud of it!"

"Is the Uzumaki Clan like the Inuzuka Clan?"

"... what? The dog users? Naw."

"Then why is the hyena following you?"

"Clyde's walking me to school..." He turned around. "... and trying to maim that old lady... If you'll excuse me."

Aburame Shino actually stopped to watch the blond lunatic kick Clyde in the ribs. Clyde let go of the woman's leg and snarled at his attacker. The instant he realized it was Naruto, he crouched and whimpered.

")Bad hyena!(" scolded Naruto. ")BAD!(" He punched Clyde in the nose for good measure. Seeing that Clyde was sufficiently punished for now, Naruto continued on for school. He did take note that the Aburame actually waited up for him.

"So what's your name?"

"Aburame Shino, age 7."

"Uzumaki Naruto, also age 7. Say, wanna come over to my house after school or something?"

"Most people tend to want to stay away from your house, Naruto."

"You only get hurt if you weren't invited."

"I'll have to think about it. Do you like bugs?"

"Only the poisonous ones."

"... Why only those?"

"'Cause they taste like chicken!"

Shino tried his hardest not to facefault. He managed to succeed, but only by a small margin.

"You really eat the poisonous bugs?"

"They don't actually taste like chicken. They're quite bland, so I don't bother eating most bugs."

"But you still eat some." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah. The Uzumaki Style is to use poisons and chemicals against our opponents, so we eat poisonous things to improve our own."

"Interesting." Shino figured that maybe a friendship with the "town crazies" might be beneficial in the long run. Well, maybe "friendship" was too strong a word. Alliance then.

"Say, who's class are you going to be in?"

"Umino Iruka-sensei."

"Really? Me too!"

As they continued to the academy, Naruto noticed that Shino was reserved and quiet, but he had a hidden sense of humor. The rest of the journey went without incident, with the voice in the back of Naruto's head acting up every so often. Though Clyde got rather excited when they neared the academy. He went so far as to try and attack a girl with pink hair and a wide forehead. Naruto gave him a boot to the head before he could pounce on the startled girl.

"CLYDE!" threatened Naruto. ")That's enough! Go home!("

Clyde got the picture. Naruto was mad. He had to get back to the relative safety of Harley before Naruto decided to get serious. He ran back to the Uzumaki Estate with his tail tucked between his legs, and didn't stop until he got there. Naruto turned to the girl.

"Sorry 'bout that. Clyde gets excited sometimes."

The girl suddenly became angry. "You shouldn't have brought that monster along!"

Naruto looked at Shino, then turned back. "That's not very nice - Shino's just a bug-user, not a monster."

The girl obviously hadn't expected Naruto to say that. Shino did. He simply shook his head from side to side, admiring the humor in his own special way.

"I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE HYENA, YOU DOLT!" She then tried to smack Naruto upside the head. And missed. Actually, Naruto dodged.

"No sense of humor AND a short fuse on your temper," said the blonde child. "Kids these days." Naruto ignored the voice in the back of his head, demanding that Naruto bash open her skull.

"As funny as this is," Shino began. "I think we should get to class, Naruto."

"Alright." He briefly turned back to the wide-forehead girl. "Try to lighten up."

She began fuming. If glares could kill... Oh yeah. They can. Well, if HER glares could kill, Naruto would be dead. Suddenly, she heard another girl's voice. "SAKURA!"

The pink-haired girl (Haruno Sakura) turned around. "Oh. HI INO!"

A skinny girl with long blonde hair tied in a ponytail came running up.

"What happened to you?" Yamanaka Ino asked when she saw that Sakura's clothes were dirty. "Some idiot brought his pet hyena to school, and it tried to attack me."

"You're kidding!"

"I wish I was."

A bell was heard. Both girls yelled "CRAP! WE'RE LATE!" and ran inside.

* * *

Naruto chose a seat next to A sleeping boy with black hair done in a short-cut ponytail to his right. Shino decided to sit to Naruto's left. They were towards the back of the class.

"Now who is this?" asked Naruto.

"Nara Shikamaru," replied Shino. "He's the laziest kid in class."

Naruto poked the sleeping boy. Shikamaru stirred. "Five more minutes, Mom. Just five more minutes..." said he, and then he went back to sleep.

Naruto grinned. For the first time, Shino was creeped out by the blonde kid.

"Shino?"

"Yes?" he replied in an inexpressive manner.

"This year of school's going to be fun!"

* * *

Later in the year...

Shikamaru tried his best to stay awake, but to no avail.

THUNK!

A kunai missed his head by mere centimeters.

"Sorry," said Naruto with a grin. "My hand slipped."

Shikamaru watched as Naruto went back to his little game of mumbleypeg, rapidly poking the kunai's point in between his fingers.

Shikamaru knew he wouldn't be able to sleep through class ever again.

* * *

Iruka was watching Naruto, wishing that Naruto would stop being a class clown, or that something could be done about the boy's behavior. Unfortunately, when he brought it up with Mrs. Uzumaki, she frowned at him. Then she pulled a huge mallet out from behind her back. He awoke in the hospital after that.

Still, the boy had talent and did all of his work on time. Shikamaru seemed to be putting more effort into his schoolwork, as the young Uzumaki simply wouldn't let the boy sleep. And though the blonde clown continued to goof off, his grades were improving, possibly the influence of Shino, who seemed indifferent towards Naruto's antics.

Iruka was worried about Hyuuga Hinata though. Her grades were good, but she was way too shy with practically anyone. He suspected that her father neglected her or expected too much of her, thus fuelling the dark-blue-haired girl's depression. However, with the inclusion of Naruto into his class, she seemed to perk up. Iruka constantly caught her taking sidelong glances at the boy and giggling at his jokes and pranks.

Speaking of his antics, Naruto mostly focused on Shikamaru ("out of convenience"), Uchiha Sasuke ("the emo kid needs to lighten up"), Sakura ("she deserves it"), and Ino ("she's asking for it") when he pulled a prank. Though he did pull pranks on the other students. Once, Naruto called Akimichi Chouji fat, and the brown-haired boy punched the blonde kid into the ceiling. When Naruto pulled himself out, he corrected himself saying that Chouji was muscle-bound. He called Chouji the name "Muscles" ever since. Iruka could see that it wasn't out of fear, but out of respect for the young Akimichi's strength.

Inuzuka Kiba seemed to be doing fine, though he was usually the one who laughed the loudest at Naruto's pranks and jokes. Naruto seemed to respect him, but also seemed to dislike him.

* * *

Naruto was having the time of his life. In the two years he'd been at the academy, he realized that the black-haired emo kid, Sasuke, was never going to lighten up. Too bad he was exactly like his older brother, minus the killing an entire clan bit (which lacked style and finesse... and humor). He also noticed that two of the girls... what were their names again? Was it Forehead and Horse? Oh yeah, Sakura and Ino. He realized that they were obsessed over Sasuke. In fact, nearly every girl was obsessed with him. All but one, anyway. Naruto noticed her taking sidelong glances at him and giggling at his humor.

_What was that that Mom and Dad talked to me about?_ thought Naruto, as he played his favorite game. Oddly enough, the voice in his head was silent. _Ah yes. I need to find a girl to manipulate, just the way Mom was knowingly manipulated by Dad. This... what was her name again? Ah yes. Hinata. She is the only one not eating out of Sasuke's palm. It will be difficult to manipulate her without her getting offended... Why the hell am I thinking about this now? I'm NINE! Oh, Shikamaru nodded off again._

THUNK! "Hey Iruka-sensei! Shika-san's gonna need a new desk!"

"What! Again! That's the third time this week!'

Some laughed, some giggled, and a few did nothing.

_Classic,_ thought Shino.

_I fell asleep again?_ thought Shikamaru. _How troublesome._

_That is _**(beep)** _hilarious,_ thought Inner Sakura. Sakura herself was thinking more along the lines that both of them were idiots.

_That's what that slacker gets!_ thought Ino as she laughed.

_All this laughing is making me hungry,_ thought Chouji.

_This is just too funny,_ thought Kiba.

_Naruto__-kun is so cute and funny!_ thought Hinata as she giggled.

_Idiots,_ thought Sasuke. _They're all idiots! Laughter is useless! Stupid Naruto._

Naruto sneezed, making everyone laugh harder.

_Well THAT was random,_ he thought. _I wonder who was thinking about me... _**_Maim. Kill! DESTROY!_**_ I wish that stupid voice in my head would shut up. _**_MAUL THEM ALL!_**_ SHUT UP ALREADY! _**_... Sorry._** And with that, Naruto grumbled mentally while laughing.

* * *

It was "Bring Your Hero to Class Day" at the academy. Iruka dreaded who some of the students would bring. Especially Naruto. Luckily, Mizuki would be assisting him today.

Kiba brought his older sister. Sasuke brought in the Hokage. Ino, Chouji, and Shikamaru each brought their fathers. Sakura brought her mother. Hinata brought her father. So did Shino. Naruto... well, Iruka feared he would bring his father, and Naruto did. All the other classmates brought parents, friends of the family, etc.

Each "Hero" had to say a bit about what they did as their job. Most of them were ninjas, but they all specialized in something or other. Finally, it was Joker's turn.

"Well," he began rather casually. "I ask people _questions_, make them offers they _can't_ refuse, and take out the _trash_." Many of the students laughed at that. They didn't realize that what he said translated to "I interrogate people, torture them, and kill them in a systematic fashion." Joker continued. "I also research _things_, make mincemeat _stew_, and generally _make_ people laugh." ("I'm a scientist, which involves dissecting things and making Smilex.") "Additionally, I devise _pranks_." ("I create traps, tools, and poisons. And pull pranks.")

All the full-fledged ninja knew exactly what Joker meant. So did Shino and Naruto. All the students laughed at what the Joker said. Including Shino and Naruto.

* * *

When it was time for the "Heroes" to leave so that the class can receive its normal lessons, Joker spied a man in a green bodysuit privately tutoring a boy wearing similar clothing. He judged correctly that the boy was a year older than Naruto. Joker noticed that they were training in Martial Arts (which for some silly reason was called taijutsu in this world). Then he noticed the weights that they both had strapped to them. The weights were small in size. But these were likely some sort of ninja weights. Joker decided to inquire about them.

After talking with Might Guy and his pupil, Rock Lee, Joker had ideas for his own weights. Although rather hilarious to talk to, Guy did have some tips on making the weights. He made it clear that the weights were much heavier than they appeared, but their weight was fixed. Joker decided to make some self-adjusting weights for Naruto. The weights would make themselves heavier depending on how much chakra flowed through the body, but they wouldn't react to weird fluctuations such as a sudden increase or decrease in flow due to a jutsu. Naruto was going to be strong, just like Harley (and Joker) wanted him to be.

Joker snickered as he thought of how ridiculous both Guy and Lee looked in their bodysuits and bowl-cut hair. On his way home, he sung the song "Kung Fu Fighting" in English.

* * *

End Chapter Three.

Next Chapter: Clones and scrolls. And caustic substances.

Author's Notes

If you couldn't tell, there will be a timeskip of about three years immediately preceding the next chapter, unless all you cretins can give me suggestions on what else to put in a "School Daze Part 2" chapter. Otherwise, the next chapter will be Graduation.

Oh, and if you're wondering why I put the **(beep)** in there rather than whatever cussword, I simply thought it would be funnier to put a beep there.

And I named the hyenas because I couldn't find anything saying that Harley had given them a name, other than the attack command: "BABIES!"

Why did Shino and Naruto become friends almost right off the bat? Way I figure it, Shino has a sense of humor (as shown in the filler episodes) but he prefers not to show it. Naruto likes the fact that Shino wasn't afraid of him when they first met. Additionally, Shikamaru doesn't hate Naruto. He just finds the clown to be annoying.

As always, if there is a particular Joker or Harley quote you'd like to see me use, I'll be happy to squeeze it into an upcoming chapter.

Points will be given to anyone who can figure out my two main running gags. The first has been in all three chapters so far, though only represented in this chapter. The second began in the second chapter and will happen at least once per chapter from here on out.

Again, thank you MagusNecromancer for prereading my insanity.


	4. Graduation

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: When I said in the Author's Notes that was going to update at least one of my stories at least once a month, I meant it! Ingrates...

Key: "Japanese." ")English.("

Chapter Four: Graduation

* * *

Joker was perplexed as to why no one in the Uzumaki clan could perform a simple Bunshin. Perhaps their green chakra was too unstable? It was a possibility. Also, Naruto's attempts at bunshins failed more spectacularly than Joker's or Harley's. He knew his son would figure something out, or else he'd fail graduation. Anyway, he finally had something to cheer the boy up.

"Naruto! Harley! Could you come to the aquarium for a moment?"

The blonde boy and the harlequin kunoichi entered the aquarium room of the Uzumaki estate. Joker was standing to one side of a curtain, right next to the pull string, with his trademark grin on his face.

"Behold!" he began, as he pulled the string. "Smiling piranha! Finished breeding them just last week!"

Harley was ecstatic. Now they wouldn't have to hang the victim upside-down like she had to do with Batman! Naruto simply found it amusing that the fish were smiling back at him. Then Naruto had an idea.

"Hey, could we set this tank up to be used for Fish-Fu?"

"Already did so!"

"Sugoi!"

* * *

Finally the test day came. Bonnie apparently decided to walk Naruto to school. Naruto was okay with it, since she didn't act up as often as Clyde.

"Hey Shino!"

"Hey."

"You ready for the Finals?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Not so much. I still can't get the bunshin to work properly. My parents can't do them either, so I hope they pass me anyway."

"Me too. It'd be boring on a team without you."

"You know, maybe I could threaten to make Iruka-sensei's life a living hell if he doesn't pass me. What do you think?"

"I think you'd just get in trouble."

"So?"

"Just saying."

"You still up for rigging the team assignments after the Finals?"

"Of course."

"Bonnie!" She stopped growling at a baby carriage across the street and went back to following Naruto and Shino.

"We're almost there. Might as well send her home."

"Right. Bonnie? Go home!"

Bonnie turned around and headed back to the Uzumaki Estate at a leisurely pace, but then noticed the baby carriage again.

"NOW!"

Bonnie bolted for the safety of the Uzumaki home after hearing the anger in Naruto's voice.

* * *

"Next!"

Naruto walked into the classroom.

"Alright Naruto, henge into the Hokage," commanded Iruka. POOF! The image of the Sandaime was standing before Iruka and Mizuki.

"Substitution," commanded Mizuki. Naruto made a few hand seals and switched places with one of the chairs in the back of the class.

"You ready for the next one?" asked Iruka.

"As I'll ever be."

"Bunshin," commanded Iruka. POOF! Naruto created one bunshin, but it wasn't a very good one. It was pale and sickly, and couldn't even stand on its own. In frustration, Naruto stamped out the clone.

"I'm sorry Naruto, but we're not going to be able to pass you..."

"Iruka, he still made a clone. Isn't that good enough?"

"Mizuki, you know very well that such a bunshin would likely get him killed if he ever took a C-Rank mission. Sorry Naruto."

"How about I make you sorry?" threatened Naruto with a sadistic grin on his face. Mizuki shuddered. But Iruka was as firm as ever.

"No."

"Well, it was worth a try."

* * *

Later, outside the classroom, Mizuki approached Naruto.

"Naruto?"

Naruto had a creepy grin on his face as he turned to face Mizuki. "Yes, Mizuki-sensei?"

Twitch. "May I have a word with you?"

"Sure. But just one? Kind of a waste of breath, don't you think?"

Mizuki shook his head. "Master Iruka is a really serious guy... His parents died when he was young, so everything he's accomplished he did by himself, with a lot of hard work and discipline."

"Yeah, so what?"

"So you remind him of himself."

"How so?"

"Well, you're an orphan, right?"

"Kinda, but I have parents now too. And neither one can do the Bunshin no Jutsu. I really wish I could just graduate."

"I guess that leaves no choice then."

"For what?" Naruto was getting annoyed at how Mizuki was beating around the bush.

"I have a secret test for you. Pass this test, and you graduate!" Twitch! Naruto grinned again.

* * *

"'Bout time you got here!" said Naruto, startling Iruka.

"GAH!" yelled Iruka. "Don't talk so creepily! Wait, what are you doing here?"

"Practicing ninjutsu."

"And you had to steal that scroll to practice?"

"Yeah, Mizuki-sensei told me about it. He said that if I memorized and mastered at least one jutsu on this scroll that I would graduate. So I learned two."

_Wait, Mizuki?_ thought Iruka. He suddenly pushed Naruto out of the way. "GET DOWN!"

THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK!

"Nice impression of a pretzel," commented Naruto. "But you're not twisted like one!"

"I'm surprised you knew where to go, Iruka," laughed Mizuki. "Naruto, I'll be taking the scroll now!"

"Don't you dare let him have it, Naruto! He set you up so that he could steal it!"

"'Zat so?"

"Naruto," Mizuki began. "Haven't you wondered why all the villagers hate you?"

"Shut up Mizuki!" Iruka yelled out.

"Hear that?" Mizuki smiled evilly. "It's part of a law."

"What law?"

"The law that says you aren't allowed to learn who you are! You wanna know what really happened twelve years ago to the demon fox?"

"Don't listen to him!"

"Shut up. I wanna hear what he has to say. Please, continue."

"It was sealed within YOU! You are the demon fox! You are the Kyubi!"

Naruto cocked his head. _No, that's not possible. My chakra signature is that of a human. That's what Auntie Anko said it was. Hmm... Hey voice! __**What?**__ Are you the demon fox this idiot is talking about? Are you Kyubi? __**... What if I am?**_ Naruto used the trick he had learned only last year. He pumped a little bit of chakra into the back of his mind. Due to the poisonous and caustic nature of his chakra, such a trick yielded a satisfying result.

_**GAH! PAINAGONYMAKEITSTOP! PLEASEMAKEITSTOP! **__So... are you Kyubi or not? __**... ow... Yes I am. I am merely sealed inside of you though.**__ That's all I wanted to know._

Naruto smiled toothily at Mizuki. Twitch. "STUPID DEMON! STOP DOING THAT!"

"So, you're a traitor to this village and you want to steal the forbidden scroll, eh?"

Iruka quickly realized what Naruto might do. Naruto started cracking his knuckles and his neck.

"Ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight?" the blonde asked in an extremely creepy tone of voice. Mizuki's eyes became as big as dinner plates. Naruto made a seal with his hands, one that created a cross with his index and middle fingers of both of his hands. "Kagebunshin no Jutsu!"

_So that was one of the techniques Naruto learned,_ thought Iruka.

There were well over a hundred Narutos in the area. They then descended on Mizuki like piranhas. Mizuki's screams of pain could be heard from the forest. When Naruto was finished, he dispelled his bunshins and then injected a semi-conscious Mizuki with a good deal of Type 1 Smilex. Slowly, Mizuki's body began to stiffen up, and his face contorted into a painful-looking smile.

"Traitor eliminated," stated Naruto. "Say Iruka? Wanna go get some ramen?"

"Why did you kill him? He should've stood trial and such!"

"I killed him because he was a traitor and he tricked me. What? Does Konoha not promote vigilantism?"

"Never mind. Come here. I have something for you."

"What is it?" Iruka handed over his forehead protector. "Say what?"

"You graduate!"

"... I guess he really didn't trick me at all. Oops!"

"Not to worry. He was still a traitor."

"Oh good. Say, how many other people think that I'm Kyubi?"

"Practically the whole village and about half of the shinobi."

"... It's going to be fun proving them wrong!"

"How about that ramen then? My treat!"

"Awesome! Let's go to Ichiraku's stand!"

"We always go there."

"Yeah, but I like the guy's name - it's fun to say! Ichiraku! Ichiraku! Ichiraku!"

As they walked to give the scroll back to the Hokage and then go to the Ichiraku Ramen stand, Naruto sang "We Are the Champions" in Japanese, causing Iruka to laugh.

* * *

The next day...

"So you want your picture taken like this?" asked the photographer.

"Yeah, hurry up before my face freezes this way!" replied Naruto.

* * *

"Why did you have your picture taken with this face?" asked the Sandaime Hokage.

"To confuse people."

The Hokage raised his eyebrow. "You decided to take a picture with a perfectly normal face in order to confuse people?"

"Yeah. Most people would expect me to smile evilly or sadistically or something like that."

"True."

The door suddenly opened. "I challenge you, Old Man!" A runt of a kid came running into the room, and then tripped on his own scarf. Naruto burst out laughing.

Sarutobi raised his eyebrow. _So Konohamaru managed to escape Ebisu yet again?_

"STOP LAUGHING!" demanded the small boy. Oddly enough, Naruto complied. "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Naruto cracked up and fell out of his seat. The poor boy was getting angrier by the minute.

"Konohamaru," began the Sandaime. The boy looked to his grandfather, the Hokage. Naruto managed to stop laughing, though he seemed ready to bust a gut at any moment. "As Hokage I can definitely say that Naruto here didn't do anything to you."

"Yeah," began the blonde shinobi. "The opponent who so deftly defeated you is, in fact, trying to choke you to death right now."

At this, Konohamaru panicked and tried to ward off whoever his assailant was. Upon seeing the young child's reaction, Naruto fell backwards, laughing. Realizing something was amiss, Konohamaru stopped flailing about and proceeded to glare at the young Uzumaki. The Hokage was snickering, and though Konohamaru missed that fact, Naruto didn't.

When Naruto was finished, the Sandaime spoke up. "He meant your scarf, Grandson."

Embarrassed, Konohamaru blushed. Upon seeing the look on the boy's face, Naruto began laughing again. This time, he rolled onto his stomach and started beating the floor with his fists as he laughed. The floor began to crack, and he ended up breaking it and falling through into the room below.

"GAH!" he called out as he did so. Several crashing noises were heard, including a piano being smashed, a few turkeys screaming in fear, a car horn and alarm going off, and, just after all had gone silent, the sound of a hubcap rolling around on the floor until it fell over (just like in cartoons). "I'm okay!"

In the room above, the Hokage and his grandson sweatdropped. And then Ebisu entered the room to take his charge off of his employer's hands. He glanced over at the hole.

"I know it's not my place to pry, Honorable Hokage," Ebisu began. "But whatever punishment you put that ninja through was a bit harsh."

"I did nothing to him. He simply laughed too hard."

"Nani?"

"It was the Uzumaki boy."

"Oh. Makes perfect sense then. Come along, Konohamaru."

* * *

Naruto was headed towards the Aburame estate when he got the feeling that he was being followed. He turned around to see a box-shaped "rock" with eyeholes cut out. Naruto leisurely walked up to it, and nonchalantly kicked it. The box ended up landing upside-down with Konohamaru still in it, plus a black eye.

"Never, and I do mean **never**, try to sneak around behind me, Runt. If you have business with me, try approaching me face-to-face."

"Ow... How come you're so mean!"

Naruto laughed. "You tend to be mean when your father and mother are both murderous psychopaths with a twisted sense of humor."

Konohamaru was stunned. They really weren't like that. No, they couldn't be. After he was finished assuring himself that no one so evil could have been raised in (or ever lived in) Konoha (causing Itachi and Orochimaru to sneeze, wherever they were), he asked Naruto the question that he meant to ask him. "Would you please train me?"

Naruto's answer was curt and short, and allowed no argument or further discussion. "No, period." With that, he continued on his way to Shino's house, leaving the spoiled brat that was Konohamaru behind, crying. Then, just to shut the brat up, Naruto picked up a boot from a trash pile and chucked it at Konohamaru's head, knocking him out.

* * *

That night, Shino and Naruto managed to sneak into the Hokage's office. They looked up who was going to be in what teams.

"Ino, Chouji, and Shikamaru. Jounin is Sarutobi Asuma," stated Shino.

"Not surprising. Next," requested Naruto.

"Sasuke, Sakura, and Kiba. Jounin is Hatake Kakashi."

"Where's the logic there?"

"Sasuke is an Uchiha, and Kakashi happens to have a Sharingan for some reason. Since Sasuke is the top of the class, despite your distractions, and Kiba is the dead-last, they put them on the same team. Sakura was thrown in there as an afterthought, apparently."

"I see. Next."

"Myself, you, and Hinata. Jounin is Yuhi Kurenai."

"Seems like we don't need to make any changes so far. Wait a minute... who is our Jounin again?"

"Yuhi Kurenai. She's new, so I don't know much about her."

"We'll have to give her a greeting of some sort then. Next."

And so they went over the next few teams. And made no changes whatsoever. Much to the Hokage's chagrin. He was hiding in the shadows, and was waiting for someone to try and change the teams around, as had happened every single year. And he really was in a vindictive mood at the moment. He was so bored.

* * *

The next day, Naruto and his parents were training. Both Joker and Harley also managed to learn the kagebunshin from Naruto. With some experimenting they discovered the shuriken kagebunshin no jutsu. It allowed one to essentially create kagebunshins of any non-living thrown object. It couldn't be used with Fish-Fu, but it could be used with the chemical and regular pies, kunai, shuriken, various other projectiles, and flash-bangs and other grenades. Also, Joker had developed a new jutsu, named ")Caustic Fist( no Jutsu". It enveloped the hands and feet in green acidic goo. It had two hand-seals to activate - horse and then monkey. He taught it to his son and wife.

Additionally, Harley created a defensive jutsu and an offensive offshoot jutsu of it. The first was called ")Caustic Barrier( no Jutsu", and it essentially created a bubble made of the same green acidic goo. It required three hand seals (snake, boar, monkey, in that order) followed by the caster sticking his/her left hand into the air and spinning around on the ball of their left foot once (clockwise or counterclockwise; it didn't matter). The offensive jutsu was called ")Caustic Barrier Conversion: Caustic Bomb( no Jutsu", and required the )Caustic Barrier( to be in place beforehand. It didn't have any hand seals. She taught both of them to her husband and son.

While playing around with the Kagebunshin, the three of them managed to come up with another version of it - the "Akuna Kagebunshin no Jutsu". When it was dispelled or destroyed, it left behind a small amount of poisonous gas. Also, Naruto managed to combine the Senei Jashu (Hidden Shadow Snake Hands) technique he had learned from Auntie Anko with the )Caustic Fist(, thereby firing an acid-covered snake out of his wrist instead of a regular snake.

By the time they were finished, it was dinnertime, and Naruto was determined to be at the academy on time the next day in order to find out whether or not the teams had been changed by the Hokage anyway. Naruto knew that the old man had been in the same room as him (as had Shino) simply because he had managed to learn what the beat of a heart sounded like from across a room, as Joker had said it was a useful skill when it came to interrogating hostages.

After dinner, Naruto decided to finally name his sawed-off shotgun. He named it "Clarisse".

* * *

The next day...

"Team 7: Uchiha Sasuke, Haruno Sakura, Inuzuka Kiba. Jounin instructor is Hatake Kakashi."

"YES! I'M ON THE SAME TEAM AS SASUKE!"

"... Kuso."

"Hear that, Akamaru? We're on the same team as the genius kid. And as Sakura." Kiba smiled and started fantasizing. Akamaru rolled his eyes at Kiba's small nosebleed.

Somewhere else in the room, Ino was silently cursing her luck.

"Team 8: Hyuga Hinata, Aburame Shino, Uzumaki Naruto. Jounin instructor is Yuhi Kurenai."

Shino said nothing, and Naruto burst out laughing. Hinata was trembling; she was nervous and excited.

"Team 9 is already in the field. Team 10: Nara Shikamaru, Akimichi Chouji, Yamanaka Ino. Jounin instructor is Sarutobi Asuma."

_Why am I on a team with a lazy good-for-nothing and a fat good-for-nothing while Sakura gets to be on the same team as Sasuke?_ Ino was definitely annoyed.

Shikamaru and Chouji simply shared a look and smiled.

"Team 11..."

* * *

After all the teams were announced, Kurenai, who had red eyes and was very beautiful, promptly came by to pick up her team. Team 7 was waiting for their Jounin for the next five hours.

In any case, Kurenai took them to a secluded spot to talk with them.

"As you know, I'll be your Jounin instructor. Since I know hardly anything about any of you, I'd like you all to introduce yourselves."

"Say what?" retorted Naruto.

"I suppose I should give you an example. My name is Yuhi Kurenai. I like flowers and soap operas, and I hate pig-headed idiots. My dream is to surpass the legendary Uchiha clan in terms of genjutsu. You with the glasses, you're next."

"Aburame Shino. I like bugs. I hate people who are full of themselves. I wish to become an excellent shinobi, like my father."

"Good. Good. Your turn, Hyuga."

"Um... I'm Hinata... I like... um... well..." Hinata blushed heavily while taking sidelong glances at Naruto. "I dislike... my... father... um... my dream... is to better myself... and um... gain the notice of... someone..." With that, Hinata blushed heavily again while taking sidelong glances at Naruto again.

_Low self-esteem._ _I hope I can undo the damage her father has done._ "An excellent dream, Hinata. And now for the boy who hasn't stopped smiling since we met."

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto. I like ramen, pranks, jokes, chemicals, ramen, weapons, ramen, jackals, ramen, and hyenas."

"You mentioned ramen four times."

"So I did. Oh yeah! I also like brunettes." Hinata fainted. Naruto snickered.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Naruto simply grinned in response. Hinata was quickly revived by a glass of water, which Shino happened to have around, for some reason.

"As for dislikes, I hate humorless people, people who think I'm a demon, and how long it takes for instant cup ramen to cook."

"It takes like, two minutes to cook, Naruto."

"I know. That's still too long." Kurenai and Hinata sweatdropped. Shino was amused. "As for my dream, I wish to spread smiles and laughter across the land - whether or not people want to smile or laugh."

"Okay... a rather creepy dream. Well, since we all know each other better, I have a training session for all of you, in order to gauge you skill levels. Meet me tomorrow at the crack of dawn at Training Field 42. And don't eat breakfast. You have the rest of the day off. See you tomorrow!" With that, she left.

After she was out of earshot, Naruto spoke up. "How foolish of her to give us the rest of the day off. I have a plan. I have heard about these initial training sessions - they're called 'bell tests'. We're going to need to rig Field 42 with all sorts of traps and such. Shino, you're going to need to plant a female bug on Kurenai." Shino nodded. "Alright, now here's the basic plan..."

* * *

End Chapter Four.

Next Chapter: The bell test. And boredom.

Author's Notes

I am NOT going to tell you what Fish-Fu is. Well, in this chapter at least. You'll get to see it in the next one.

MagusNecromancer and FlyGod were the prereaders for this one.

Does anyone ever read the Author's Notes? I certainly do.

No Sexy no Jutsu for you! And yeah, I may have been a little harsh on Konohamaru, but that brat was annoying. Still, I think he'll end up better for it. The next time I decide to include him in the story, he will have changed a lot.

And the jutsu that the Uzumaki family is developing are called by English names for two reasons: 1) since English is not spoken in the world of ninja, the names could be confusing, adding an element of surprise to the attacks and 2) I'm too lazy to look up the Japanese equivalents of the words. Akuna means poisonous, by the way.

Also, just so that I don't forget, aside from a number of pistols that Joker and Harley carry, Joker has a magnum named "Jason" and Harley's chain gun is named "Freddie". Naruto's shotgun is "Clarisse". Do you see a pattern?

I'm going to give Kurenai more that just genjutsu, for genjutsu alone has a weakness - if the opponent has a strong mind, your illusion may as well not have been there. Anyway, I'm going to make her be decent at taijutsu and excel at ninjutsu.

Naruto knows that Hinata has a crush on him; he's messing with her and manipulating her. Pretty much, he likes her too, but like his father, he's not sure how to express that. So, similarly to his father's methods, he's going to manipulate the girl he wants. The reason why I'm doing it like this is because most NaruHina stories are all exactly the same: Hinata finally gets enough courage to admit her feelings and Naruto has a realization that he doesn't like Sakura that much, blah blah blah. It gets boring after the third copycat puts the same plot pattern into their story. So I took a different approach. Naruto never did like Sakura or any of the other girls, but he did notice how creepy Hinata was. Since he likes creepy girls (he said as much in canon), Naruto decided to manipulate her.

And I know that Naruto is not one to come up with plans before a fight, but that's not when he was raised by Joker. Joker plans most of his jokes and fights out beforehand, but he leaves his plans flexible enough to the point that he can usually get away or win anyway. He would have drilled such tactics into Naruto's head (no, not literally).

And now for something totally (almost) unrelated: I had no idea there were so many fans of both "Labyrinth" and "Ranma 1/2"! Wow!

Now you're probably tired of reading the Author's Notes for this one, so I'll shut up.


	5. Ding!

Omake

by Capito Celcior

* * *

The six captured enemy Ninja were glaring angrily at the Konoha Shinobi, in the middle of their mission near Lightning Country. These included Ino, Hinata, Sasuke, Kiba, Asuma, Kurenai, Naruto, Joker and Harley.

"Right now, we need to find out what they know." Asuma started.

"Leave that to us!" Joker grinned. Well, he grinned more then usual.

"HAH! Like we will ever talk!"

Joker merely stood before the Ninja, who were sitting in a half circle. Naruto walked up to him.

"Why hello there junior. Say, how have your outside missions been lately?"

"Oh they've been great dad. But golly, it IS really a shame that I cannot bring my favorite stuff along. You always have all the fun back at home."

The Joker's face took on a twisted parody of stage-sad. "Aww, that is too bad. But don't feel sad!" His face lightened up. "For I have a NEW invention, just what you need!"

Naruto's face lightened up beyond human possibility. Harley walked into view, sashaying her hips into a seductive walk while holding a scroll regally in front of her.

"Presenting; The Joker's New Portaquarium Ferocious!" He pointed with his entire hand. Naruto's hands went to his cheeks, mouth open.

"Yes sir" he went back to his audience. "You too can now bring with you one of my most favorite toys. No more big and bulky home-edition installations. NO! This new Portaquariom is set up and ready in less than three minutes, and packs up just as quickly, ready on the go!"

"But dad, how does it work?"

"Why simple, Junior, as Mommy here will demonstrate."

Harley, once more in the spotlight, posed with the scroll in her hand, showing it to the crowd. Both Konoha and Kumo did not know what was going on, just observing the eerie infomercial. As Harley began the actions, slowly and clearly so that all could watch, Joker narrated.

"It is easy, really. First, you locate a tree with a big, strong branch. Next, you open the scroll. Take notice that it is a SPECIAL and High quality sealing scroll with Stasis Seals. First, you unseal the harness." A leather and metal harness popped out.

"Next, you attach the harness to the tree, making sure that it can be lowered and raised smoothly. After all if you discover that it gives you problems later on, the trouble JUST isn't worth it! Next, we need a volunteer. Yes, you sir!"

He pointed at one of the enemy ninja. Naruto went and dragged him over. He was tied up.

"Now we raise him up, and unseal the second part."

What came out next was just too weird. And creepy. Definitely creepy. It was an aquarium that measured one point five meters by one point five, by one point five. The aquarium was on wheels as to be maneuverable. Inside, however, were thirty or so fish. What was disturbing was that each of the fish had a smile filled with gruesomely sharp teeth.

"Next we ride the cart under the volunteer, and dunk him feet-first knee-deep into the water!"

The screams haunted even the most experienced Jounins for a good three years.

* * *

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: My memory isn't so good... HEY LOOK! A DISCLAIMER!

Key: "Japanese." ")English.("

Chapter Five: Ding!

* * *

Kurenai got up as early as she usually did, and got ready to face the three Genin who had been entrusted to her. This would be her second assignment as a Jounin with the first being attempting to teach Kurama Yakumo; since Yakumo couldn't handle her powers of genjutsu, Kurenai had to seal the young girl's powers away.

_Enough of the past,_ thought the red-eyed Jounin. _Focus on the present._

Kurenai hoped that she could bring Hinata's self-esteem up. But the young Hyuga girl wasn't the only one that she worried about. Shino didn't like to talk much and seemed to be suppressing his emotions. Naruto... well, he was an Uzumaki. Uzumakis were all psychotic. Naruto also seemed to be impatient, impulsive, and predictable. He was going to be difficult to train.

Kurenai knew that Naruto would likely use chemistry and a few odd devices. Hinata, if she was confident enough, would try to use the Hyuga clan's Juuken style to fight. For Shino she was bringing bug spray. She knew he was more complex than that, but at least she could keep the swarms away from her for awhile.

Finally ready with all of her gear, she left for Training Field 42. She arrived during the pre-dawn light to see that Naruto was already waiting. And he was brushing his teeth.

"Have Shino and Hinata not shown up yet?"

"Shino was here before me," began the blonde. "We waited for a while, but neither Hinata nor you had shown up. Shino volunteered to go get Hinata as I am not welcome anywhere near the Hyuga estate. Oh? Here they come."

The Jounin turned around to see that Naruto was right.

* * *

A few minutes later, Kurenai had them lined up, and began explaining the test.

"You may have passed the tests at the Academy, but you have yet to pass _my_ test. My test is quite simple." She pulled a pair of bells out of her pocket and an alarm clock out another pocket. She set the clock to go off at noon. "You have from the time I say 'go' until it is noon to take these bells from me. Each person who gets a bell will be allowed to pass. Whoever doesn't get a bell gets sent back to the Academy. Not only that, but whoever doesn't get a bell will also have to skip lunch."

"Wait," said Shino. "There are only two bells."

"That's right. It means at least one of you will be sent back to the Academy regardless. Additionally, you should come at me with killer intent, or else you won't win. Any more questions?"

"Yeah," said Naruto, still holding his toothbrush. "When do we start?"

Kurenai attached the bells to her belt. "We start now. GO!"

With that, Shino and Hinata disappeared into the foliage of the trees. Naruto went back to brushing his teeth.

"Naruto, we already started."

"Yeah. I know." Naruto then finished brushing his teeth and spit the excess saliva and toothpaste from his mouth. He then did something Kurenai did not expect: he reversed this grip on the toothbrush to reveal that the other end of it was a kunai.

"May the Floss be with you!" called out the blonde as he threw the deadly plaque-remover straight at her head.

Kurenai dodged the projectile. When it collided with a small rock behind her, the blade of the weapon/tool broke easily, releasing a small amount of acid that corroded the rock and killed the grass around it. In the meantime, Kurenai hit Naruto with a powerful genjutsu, one that showed the deaths of everyone he ever met.

Naruto paused. His omnipresent grin disappeared. He looked around at the horror.

"Not bad," he said. "Not bad."

Stunned, the Jounin didn't even move by the audacity that the little punk had to not see the excellence of her... Suddenly, Kurenai realized that he wasn't appraising the genjutsu, but the way that the illusion was portraying the deaths of people. On top of that, he was doing it to piss her off.

_Calm,_ she thought. _Calm._ _They likely thought this out beforehand. Naruto's trying to get me to make a mistake and... wait, how could they have known about the bell tests? Did someone leak information to them or... Ah! I get it! Shino is sometimes seen reading a research book. He could have read the public record of the Sannin as written by the Sandaime. Shino must have pieced it together!_

"That one could use quite a bit of work. Stabbed in the heart? That one's been done to death. Slit throat? Now they're just beating a dead horse with that one. They should at least kill a few by beating them with a dead horse. Well, I'm bored."

Naruto pulled out a kunai and stabbed his hand. The shock of the pain dispelled the genjutsu.

"What? You stayed in one place the whole time? Are you sure you're a Jounin? I thought you'd at least get behind me or something!"

"You should know better than to insult your superiors," retorted the woman.

Kurenai then quickly made a few hand seals and used Doton: Retsudotenshou (Earth Release: Surrounding Palm of the Split Earth) to fire several rocks in Naruto's direction. Naruto wouldn't be able to dodge them all, but she did leave enough time for him to use kawarimi no jutsu (substitution no jutsu). However, that is not what Naruto did. He made three hand seals: snake then boar and then monkey. Then he placed his left hand straight into the air with the palm facing skyward.

")Caustic Barrier( no jutsu!" Naruto spun around once, surrounding himself with a green acidic substance in the shape of a sphere. The rocks bounced off of the barrier, and, as some of them landed, Kurenai could see that whatever his barrier was made of, it was acidic. Kurenai began to prepare her next jutsu when Naruto made his next move. As he did, Shino and Hinata dove further into the foliage, like Naruto warned them to.

")Caustic Barrier Conversion: Caustic Bomb( no jutsu!" called out the twelve-year-old boy. The barrier exploded outwards, covering nearly everything in acid. Kurenai saw only one way to avoid it - by going underground.

"Come out!" called Naruto in a sickeningly high-pitched voice. "Come out! Come out wherever you are!"

"Doton: Shinju Zanshu no jutsu!" (Earth Release: Underground Decapitation no Jutsu)

Suddenly, Kurenai's hands reached out of the ground and grasped Naruto by the ankles and pulled him underground so that just his head was sticking above the ground.

Kurenai walked around the Genin, bells jingling. She shook her head.

"You know nothing of subtlety or tact, do you?"

"What do interrogation techniques have to do with fighting?" asked Naruto in a mockingly innocent tone.

Shino heard his cue. He threw eight shuriken and five kunai at Kurenai.

"That's not the only application of..." TH-TH-TH-THUNK! The sound of thirteen sharp metal objects hitting a human-sized object was heard.

At first, it seemed as though the stabbity implements of death had hit the Jounin, but Naruto looked to see that the weapons had simply hit a log. Kurenai had used kawarimi no jutsu.

Kurenai attacked Shino in the tree only to find that it was a mushibunshin (bug clone). The swarm of parasitic insects began moving towards Kurenai. Kurenai pulled out her can of bug spray and killed the majority of the insects. The rest fled. She then began tracking Shino to discover his location.

Meanwhile, Naruto concentrated on his chakra and managed to generate some corrosive fluids from his sweat glands. The soil around him began to break down and so he stopped emitting chemicals. He managed to get his right arm free when Hinata took his hand and helped him out.

"Thanks," said Naruto, making the girl blush. "Where's Kurenai-sensei and Shino?"

Using the Byakugan, Hinata spotted them both. "Kurenai-sensei is tracking a mushibunshin and Shino is sneaking up on her. Oh! Seems she fell into that tiger trap we placed there. No wait... Kurenai-sensei used kawarimi and now she's spotted the real Shino! They're coming back this way!"

"Ah," thought Naruto. "This changes the plan significantly. Hinata? Go hide and wait for an opportunity. I'll get our sensei off of Shino's back so you two can regroup. I have an idea. Kagebunshin!"

Naruto created eleven shadow clones. He and the clones hid while Hinata returned to her hiding place. Naruto also idly noticed that his hand was already healed. After Shino ran through the clearing, Kurenai jumped into the area, quickly noticing that Naruto wasn't in the ground anymore. Suddenly, Naruto and ten of his clones dog-piled her. The final clone caught up with Shino to ask about the situation.

"Did you plant the bug?" asked the clone.

"Yes. Her genjutsu is almost nullified now that we can track her."

"Good. Get into position." POOF! The clone was gone.

Meanwhile, Naruto discovered that Kurenai was no slouch when it came to taijutsu. It certainly wasn't her strong suite, but she was still quite skilled in martial arts. She had already dispatched eight of the clones. The last two clones managed to push her back as Naruto reached into his black coat with his right hand. She dispatched the pair of clones in time to get hit in the face with a carp. A live carp. And it hurt.

She was stunned._When did he get this from the river? Or was he carrying it around all morning? No, it wouldn't be alive if he did._

"Curious?" asked Naruto. "It's called Fish Fu. My father invented the style." He pulled out a mackerel, which flopped around in the boy's iron grip. "We keep several aquariums of fish and other water creatures in our basement. All the tanks are linked to special scrolls my father made using what little knowledge he had of seals. It functions like a sealing scroll, except it simply conjures the fish to my location."

He then swung the fish at Kurenai. She dodged and backpedaled. Naruto then threw the fish at her. He reached into his coat with his left and pulled out a clownfish. She dodged that one when he threw it. He then started throwing fish two at a time. She was getting pelted by some of the fish. Bass, salmon, catfish, crawfish, crab, sunfish, boot...

_Wait... what?_thought Naruto. The boot hit Kurenai in the head, knocking her down.

Naruto looked at the inside of his jacket in genuine puzzlement. "How did that get in there?"

"That's it!" said Kurenai. "Magen: Kunaigakure!" (Demonic Illusion: Hidden Kunai)

Kurenai disappeared from Naruto's view. Shino also couldn't locate her with his own eyes. The genjutsu was so powerful, even Hinata couldn't see through it.

Naruto was suddenly knocked to the ground, his forehead protector falling off. It was apparent that he had been kicked in the head.

Deciding to help Naruto out, Shino used Mushiyose no jutsu (Bug Gathering no jutsu) to add more insects to his swarm, and then sent them after the female bug as planned.

"Is that all you got?" said Naruto in a cocky tone even though such tactics had simply gotten him a broken nose, a black eye, some flesh wounds in his legs, and a stubbed toe. He suddenly had the wind knocked out of him when Kurenai punched him in the stomach. Naruto quickly regained his breath as the Jounin didn't hit anywhere near as hard as his father, much less his mother. "That was weak!"

Sharp pain entered his shoulder as his toothbrush kunai from earlier was jammed in his left forearm, broken blade and all. Naruto screamed out.

Then, Shino's bugs entered the fray, all of them trying to get at the female bug on the small of Kurenai's back. She managed to spray most of them. Assuming that their retreat earlier was a behavioral pattern, she ignored the small clusters of insects that she missed.

Hinata and Shino had discussed where to place the bugs on Kurenai's body earlier that morning, before the bell test. Therefore, once all the bugs were in position, Hinata knew where Kurenai was and where most of her organs were. Hinata took this opportunity to attack. She rushed in to sever the tendons in the Jounin's shoulders, but Kurenai was too fast and used akido to use Hinata's own momentum and weight to toss the poor girl over Naruto's head. Realizing her genjutsu was somehow now worthless, Kurenai dropped the illusion.

Naruto had finally managed to pull his toothbrush out of his arm. He also managed to get all the pieces of it out by simply using another kunai to cut a huge chunk of his flesh out of his arm. Naruto focused his chakra and his wounds quickly regenerated to the point that he could now use his left arm again.

Seeing Kurenai and Hinata fighting each other with taijutsu, Naruto decided to enter the fray. He made two hand seals: horse and then monkey.

")Caustic Fist( no jutsu!" Green acidic fluids materialized around his hands and feet. Naruto rushed forward and joined the fight. Kurenai was impressed by the strange jutsu Naruto kept displaying.

Meanwhile, Shino kept trying to use Mushiyose no jutsu to gather more insects, but to no avail. Shino decided that most of the bugs in the area were dead and stopped trying to gather them together. Seeing a taijutsu battle, Shino opted to attack with his kunai and shuriken from a distance. As he started pulling several of the objects out of his battle pouch, Kurenai did something unexpected: she used Katon: Goukakyuu no jutsu (Fire Release: Grande Fireball no jutsu). The ball of flame hit Naruto and kept on going, right towards Shino. Shino used kawarimi to escape.

It was at this point that the alarm clock rang.

* * *

Naruto ended up tied to a post. Though he had suffered serious burns, he was fine. And his clothing seemed to be fire-proof as well...

"That was deplorable," said Kurenai. "Using Naruto as a distraction might have worked in the Academy, but it won't work in the real world. Now, I'm going to give you three another chance..."

"Really?" asked Naruto, interrupting his sensei. Kurenai blinked.

"Yes," she said hesitantly. Naruto slammed the back the heel of his boot into the post. CLICK! TWANG! Kurenai was suddenly entangled in four nets.

"GET THE BELLS!" commanded Naruto. Both Shino and Hinata jumped on the Jounin and ripped the bells off of the woman's belt.

Kurenai sat up and simply stared at Naruto dumbfoundedly.

He began to laugh. "Hee-hahahaha-haha-hahaaa!! We got you! That was great! I figured I would get tied to the post, so I planned ahead and put triggers for traps on all three. If we got the bells beforehand, fine, but the plan worked almost perfectly!"

"Here... Naruto... um... take my bell... please?"

"No, Hinata. You keep it! I insist! And Shino, don't you dare give your bell to me either." The Aburame child stopped trying to hand Naruto his bell. "I can torture Iruka-sensei for another year."

"Pass," said Kurenai.

"What?" asked all three of the Genin in unison.

"All three of you passed. It was a test to see if you could function as a team. Since the three of you worked so well together, even helping each other when I was about to overpower one of you, you managed to pass. I was going to force you three to work together a bit more and play some more mind games with you just to make you earn your rank, but the fact that you caught me using an elaborate trap has convinced me otherwise. Now would you please cut me free from these stupid nets so that I can report to the Hokage?"

* * *

Elsewhere, Kiba had been tied to the post (with Akamaru tied to the back of it) and Kakashi was lecturing them on their performance. He then told them that he would give them one more chance after lunch and that they were not to feed Kiba or his dog.

Immediately after Kakashi "left", Sasuke offered to give Kiba some of his food. Sakura fed Akamaru.

Suddenly, Kakashi reappeared.

"**You have disobeyed a direct order just to help out your teammate,**" he said, sounding ominous and angry. "**Such behavior could get you in trouble with your superiors someday. Refusing to leave a teammate behind could cost you your mission. **But that's the exact reason why I'm passing you three..." Akamaru barked. "... four."

* * *

Later that day, Kurenai asked Naruto where his conjuring scroll was. Naruto informed her that the inside of his jacket was both a conjuring scroll and a sealing scroll. He explained that his father found that it didn't matter what the seal was written on, so long as it was written in black ink. Naruto also explained that the palms of his gloves were advanced sealing scrolls where he kept certain weapons for easy use. Like cyanide pies.

He also explained to her that he had chakra-powered joy buzzers in his gloves and that he was aware of the Kyubi, though it feared him. He intentionally didn't mention Clarisse.

* * *

Team 8 went on many D-Rank missions, ranging from finding the cat named Tora to hauling lumber to washing windows over the course of a few weeks.

At this time, Team 8 was in the Mission Office to accept another mission.

"Let's see," said the Sandaime. "There's Mrs. Kurosaki's yard that needs to be weeded... Mr. Yamada wants his kids to be babysat... oh yeah, not a mission for Team 8! There's catching that cat again..."

"You mean Tora?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah," answered Iruka-sensei who was helping manage the Mission Office.

"I'll strangle him before handing him back to his owner - that way he can't run away anymore."

"Another mission that shall not be offered to Team 8 ever again..." said the Hokage.

"Guess what!" said Naruto excitedly.

"What?" asked the Hokage.

"I'm bored," the boy said in a perfectly serious tone.

The Hokage remembered what happened the last time Naruto was bored. It wasn't a pretty picture. Naruto had used ox blood to write humorous messages on both sides of nearly every door in town. The smell was horrible.

Kurenai also remembered that time. Shino remembered it and laughed inwardly. Hinata remembered that her door was one of the few that he didn't put blood on, though the rest of Hyuga estate was practically coated with it.

"Give them a C-Rank this time," said the Sandaime to Iruka.

"Well, let's see... there's this one. A bridge-builder from the Wave Country needs a few people to protect him and his workers from bandits during the rest of the construction."

"We'll take it," said Kurenai.

"Yeah, we'll go with that," agreed Naruto.

"Um... okay..." said Hinata.

Shino simply nodded.

"Alright Tazuna," called Iruka. "We have a team for you."

An old man wearing a mason's clothing entered the room from a waiting room. He was balding and holding a sake bottle.

"This is the team?" he asked.

"That is correct, Mr. Tazuna," replied the Hokage.

"They look weak, especially the short one!"

Suddenly, the sake bottle fell to the ground as Tazuna was tied up with ninja wire. Naruto then touched his palm and a coconut custard crème pie appeared in it. Naruto then shoved the pie into the old man's face.

"I'll meet you guys outside," said Naruto cheerily as he left the room. Kurenai chased after him.

In the hall, Kurenai caught up to the blonde.

"You didn't kill him, did you?"

"No, that was a regular pie. Even I know better than to kill the client before the mission is over."

Meanwhile, Hinata was cleaning the pie off of Tazuna's face as Shino was untangling the ninja wire.

"A word of advice," whispered Shino into the old man's ear. "Never piss off the psychopath."

* * *

As they left the village, Kurenai noticed a puddle on the path as they walked. It hadn't rained in weeks and there hadn't been any cloud cover for the past few days. She knew something was up.

They continued walking, Tazuna whining about the loss of his sake bottle, Shino being silent as ever, Hinata stealing glances at Naruto, and Naruto drinking out of a sake bottle. Wait... sake bottle!?

"Why did you have to destroy my sake?" asked Tazuna, addressing Naruto.

"Would you like to try my drink?" offered Naruto with a sadistic grin on his face. "It's some powerful stuff!"

Before Tazuna could answer, Kurenai interrupted. "Naruto, what is in the bottle?"

"Sulfuric acid."

"What's that?" asked Tazuna, as he was unknowledgeable about chemistry.

"Let me explain it," began Naruto. "IN SONG!

"Johnny was a chemist,  
"A chemist he is no more;  
"For what he thought was aech-two-oh  
"Was aech-two-ess-oh-four!"

Tazuna put together that the formula Naruto just mentioned was this "sulfuric acid".

"So is it a poison?" he asked.

Naruto looked at him like he was an idiot. "It's one of the most powerful acids."

Naruto took another swig of the bottle. "Ah! Good stuff! Burns all the way down!"

Tazuna leaned over to Kurenai and started whispering. "Why isn't he dead?"

"It's his family's kekkei genkai apparently," she whispered back. "They use acids and poisons as their primary weapons and consume said substances to enhance the poisons and acids their bodies produce naturally."

Suddenly, a pair of Kiri'nin leapt out of the trees and attacked. Kurenai pulled Tazuna out of the way. Hinata ducked while cursing herself for not noticing their presence. Shino backed up while calling his insects out. Naruto? He smashed the bottle on the face of one of the enemy ninja (to be more specific, it was on Meizu, the younger of the brothers). He screamed in pain as the acid scarred him for the rest of his life. The other brother, Gouzu, attempted to stab the blonde for hurting his brother.

Naruto redirected the claws that Gouzu was wearing so that they would only stab him in the arm. Naruto grabbed the guy's face and gave it a light tan. ZZZZAP!

Soon, both the brothers had been disarmed and tied up for questioning. Naruto insisted that he do it himself. He sent Kurenai, Hinata, and Tazuna up ahead so that they wouldn't hear the pain he was about to inflict. Shino, who always wanted to put someone to the question, stayed to help out. Naruto separated the brothers so that they couldn't see each other.

But before he did, he had something to say to them: "Welcome to Fire Country! I will be your inquisitor for the day. You may not think I can do much, but my father is the notorious )Mr. J(."

At the mention of that name, both the brothers became very nervous. They had heard of this )Mr. J( in the Bingo Book, and had hoped to never get caught by the man. But now the man's son had caught them. Their imaginations took them to various states of panic. Meanwhile, Naruto decided to interrogate Meizu first.

Screams of pain could be heard for quite a distance as Naruto worked on Meizu. Strangely enough, Naruto didn't ask any questions. Suddenly, Naruto stopped and came back to question Gouzu. The older brother's screams of agony carried farther than his brother's. Naruto stopped again without asking any questions.

Curious, Shino had to ask why. "Why aren't you asking them questions? And why are you stopping just before you break them?"

"When I break them, I'm going to have them break spectacularly! But I'm going to start questioning now."

After an hour, Naruto had gotten all the information he wanted. Besides, at that time an ANBU squad had arrived to take over. The ANBU members had orders to take these two brothers to Ibiki and Joker.

The information Naruto pulled out of them was useful. Apparently, the Gatou Syndicate had taken over the Wave Country. Tazuna was building a bridge so that Gatou wouldn't have a monopoly on trade. Gatou hired the Demon Brothers, Gouzu and Meizu, as well as a Jounin and another ninja, all of whom were nukenins (missing ninja) from Kiri, the Hidden Mist Village.

Naruto relayed all this information to Kurenai, who was understandably angry at Tazuna.

"You endangered us by lying about what kind of mission this was," she said calmly. Even though it was calm, it was scary to hear her say it the way she did. "You had it registered as a C-Rank; however, it happens to be an A-Rank mission. Why?"

To Naruto's perspective, Tazuna went into a long-winded pity story about how they didn't have enough money to afford to buy an A-Rank, and his daughter and her son were in danger, blah blah blah etc.

"We'll still do the mission," said Kurenai, much to Tazuna's surprise (and Shino's and Hinata's). "It's because it's the right thing to do. Besides, you have no idea how much trouble Naruto will cause if we don't go."

Naruto grinned.

* * *

End Chapter Five.

Next Chapter: Would you like jackals with that?

Author's Notes

How did you like the omake? Anyone else have any ideas for one? Then send them to me. Have a complete omake? Not a problem! I'll post it when I write the next chapter! Some spelling errors may be corrected. See author for details. Offer prohibited in Azkaban, Tartarus, Port Royal, and Hueco Mundo. Author reserves the right to not post any that he doesn't like.

Fish Fu. Got the idea from one of my brothers who was making a flash parody of Naruto at the time. He made up a ninja who had based all of his attacks on tuna. Too bad the files were deleted at the end of the semester that he made it in.

Poor Demon Brothers! Not only do they get tormented by the son of Mr. J, they will get tortured by the man himself! Though, they did manage to hide the identities of Haku and Zabuza.

I wonder how long Naruto can keep himself from killing Tazuna...

Well, since we're going into the Wave Country arc, I suppose I could start taking votes on whether or not Zabuza and Haku should die. Not that the votes will impact the story mind you, but you can still vote. I just want to see how many readers like or don't like the two nukenin from Kiri.

And, yet again, I have slipped this thing past my prereaders. The darned slackers were taking forever to preread this stuff, so I'm going to skip out on them.

This will be the last chapter that I will post for a while. My mind is getting tired of thinking. I may have a new chapter on Wednesday (11-21-2007). If I don't, then I'm likely waiting until December to post more chapters.


	6. Big Sword

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: "Half of me wants to disclaim you."  
"And the other half?"  
"To hit you with a truck."

Key: "Japanese." ")English.("

Chapter Six: Big Sword

* * *

Kurenai was trying her hardest to keep an eye on her surroundings as they didn't know when the enemy Jounin or the other ninja would attack. She really was, but the way Naruto kept grabbing everyone's attention made detecting the presence of an enemy next to impossible. For example, he had just barely begun to sing a song.

"I wear my blue pajamas in the summer when it's hot,  
"I wear my flannel nighty in the winter when it's not,  
"But sometimes in the springtime  
"And sometimes in the fall,  
"I slip between the covers with  
"Nothing on at all!"

He waggled his eyebrows at Hinata as he sang the sixth line, causing her to faint from embarrassment. Shino was there to catch her while Naruto continued on with the chorus.

"Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!  
"Glory, Glory, What's it to ya?"

Shino finally managed to revive Hinata.

"Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!  
"WITH NOTHING ON AT ALL!"

Naruto pumped his fist into the air during the last line. Hinata fainted again. Tazuna was amused. Kurenai was annoyed that her concentration had been broken yet again. And it was all Shino could do to avoid laughing out loud, or even chuckling.

Zabuza, who had been hiding in a tree with his sword in the ready position to be thrown, had to pull his face out of the dirt due to the facefault he just experienced. Also, he had dislocated his right shoulder when he hit the ground as it was the only way to prevent accidental suicide with his sword. He had a sneaking suspicion that the blonde already knew of his presence and had done that just to cause injury before the actual fight, but he wasn't sure.

By the time Zabuza had stood up, cleaned off his face, and relocated his shoulder, Shino had revived Hinata again. Zabuza threw his sword with his left arm and used Shunshin to appear in a tree that the sword would arrive at if it missed.

Naruto, Shino, and Hinata dodged easily. Kurenai pushed Tazuna into the dirt as she dove for cover. Naruto said the first thing that came to mind as the sword passed over his head.

"I've heard of compensation but DAAAAAAAAAAMMMNNN!"

Zabuza facefaulted again. With his face in the dirt, he was unable to catch the large weapon and so it imbedded itself into a tree about eight meters away.

Irritated, the nukenin from Kiri quickly stood up and composed himself only to turn and find that Kurenai had finished making hand seals for a jutsu.

"Magen: Kunaigakure!"

She disappeared. Zabuza stood there for a second, before he kicked to his right, hitting Kurenai in the solar plexus and dispelling her genjutsu while she was sent flying. Zabuza made a few seals while he dodged Hinata's shuriken.

"Kirigakure no jutsu!" (Hidden Mist no jutsu)

The area was soon covered in dense fog.

"Foolish of the Jounin to think that she could get to me without my notice. She didn't know that I can detect heartbeats and breaths from up to fifty meters away."

"Your name is Momochi Zabuza, isn't it?" asked Naruto.

"How would you know that, shorty?"

Naruto growled. "My mother used to read me the Bingo Book to put me to sleep when I was younger. I recognize you by the lack of eyebrows."

"Regardless...**There are eight targets. Throat, spinal column, lungs, liver, jugular, subclavian artery, kidney, heart... so many choices! What vital, vulnerable place shall I choose? Heh heh."**

"Blah blah blah! Shino?"

"What?"

"Found him yet?"

"No."

"Hinata?"

"There is chakra in the mist itself. It is difficult to see through."

"Hmm... seems like we need something with a sense of smell. Kuchiyose!"

Suddenly, two separate laughing voices were heard. A pair of jackals stood next to Naruto, one on either side of him. One was wearing armor and the other was large and bulky.

"I welcome you with open arms," began Naruto. "Shinji and Yuki."

"Well-met, young clown!" said Shinji, the armored jackal. His armor was a gleaming black.

"We shall kill and laugh with you!" said Yuki, the larger female jackal.

* * *

A short distance away, Kurenai had her hands full with two Mizubunshin of Zabuza. He had obviously recovered his sword as each of the water clones had a sword of their own. It was taking all the knowledge Kurenai had just to keep up with the two clones. She knew that Zabuza was trying to keep her from aiding her students, and she hoped to the kami that they would be okay. She also knew that Zabuza was stronger than her... if only she could use her genjutsu! But all the ones she knew targeted the eyes first!

* * *

"I got the brow-less freak," said Naruto. "Protect the old fart, okay Shino? Okay Hinata?"

"Wakatta," replied Shino.

"O-okay," stuttered Hinata.

"Not going to happen," said Zabuza as he appeared in between Tazuna, Shino, and Hinata. Hinata stumbled away from Zabuza and Shino jumped away from the swordsman. Tazuna fell backwards.

Just before Zabuza could do anything, Shinji bit his head off, revealing it to simply be a water clone. Suddenly, Zabuza was there with his sword sticking into Shinji's back through a small slit in between his armor plates. Another Shinji was suddenly there and it bit into Zabuza, dispelling yet another water clone. The first Shinji fell apart to reveal empty armor.

"Yoroibunshin no jutsu," stated the real Shinji smugly. (Armor Clone no jutsu)

Yuki then howled. The air in the area got colder and snow began to fall, slowly at first but with increasing speed. Soon, the ground was covered in snow. Oddly enough, the fog still permeated the area.

"Yuki: Tsuiga no jutsu!" called out the female jackal. (Snow: Tracking Fang no jutsu)

Yuki sank into the snow as if she were a rock dropped in a pond. As she began searching for Zabuza, Shinji and Naruto were busy blocking projectiles that were coming at Tazuna and/or Hinata. Shino had gone off to find Kurenai.

Suddenly, Yuki found Zabuza standing on top of a nearby pond which had somehow not frozen yet. She leapt out of the snow as if she were leaping out from behind a bush and nearly tackled the swordsman. However, Zabuza anticipated the attack and moved out of the way at the last second.

"Suirou no jutsu," said Zabuza calmly, trapping the female jackal in a sphere of water. (Water Prison no jutsu)

Yuki laughed. Zabuza's eyes widened as he realized the implications of her giving away her position. Before he could do anything else, he was tackled by no less than forty of Naruto's shadow clones. Since his concentration was broken, he lost control of his Suirou and his water clones.

The nukenin from Kiri quickly dispelled the clones on top of him with a quick swing of his sword just in time to get clocked by the real Naruto (who landed back on the shoreline afterwards). As Zabuza attempted to regain his balance, Yuki came at him again, charging across the top of the water. Just before she was able to attack, Zabuza managed to slash her jugular. Fearing for her life, she returned to the world of the summons, taking her snow with her.

"Congratulations," said Shinji. "You managed to scare my older sister away."

"Shinji," began Naruto. "He's _my_ kill." He turned to Zabuza. "I'm going to take your sword from your dead hands, okay?" The young Uzumaki was grinning like a maniac.

Zabuza simply began making hand seals to perform a jutsu. To his surprise, Naruto mimicked his movements exactly except the boy was still grinning.

"I'm going to wipe that smug grin off of your face! Suiton: Suiryudan no jutsu!" (Water Release: Water Dragon Blast no jutsu)

Acting on instinct and what little knowledge Naruto had of chakra, he suddenly released his own version by adding the monkey seal at the end of the seals. "Suiton: )Caustic( Ryudan no jutsu!" (Water Release: Caustic Dragon Blast no jutsu)

A dragon made of water rose from the pond to attack Naruto only to be intercepted by a near-identical dragon made of a sickly green liquid. The two attacks cancelled each other out. Shino and Kurenai had returned to the group just in time to witness Naruto copy Zabuza's attack.

"How do you like _them_ apples!"

"Why you little monkey!"

As Zabuza charged Naruto, the blonde quickly went through three seals: snake, boar, and monkey. Realizing what was going on, Shinji threw Tazuna and Hinata onto his back while Shino and Kurenai dove for cover. The jackal followed them. Naruto put his palm in the air and spun around once. ")Caustic Barrier( no jutsu!"

The green liquid surrounded the young clown creating a barrier. Zabuza's sword came down in a vertical slash only to be stopped by the barrier. The metal of the sword was beginning to wear away as it remained in contact with the barrier. Realizing that he was just wasting a good sword, Zabuza backed off.

")Caustic Barrier Conversion: Caustic Bomb( no jutsu!"

Zabuza didn't have time to react and was hit by the blast of acid. Not only were his clothes ruined and his skin badly burned, but he was thrown backwards into a tree. Naruto landed on the branch above him and drew a kunai as Kurenai, Tazuna, Shino, Hinata, and Shinji exited from the brush.

"I'm going to stab your face off now," he said cheerfully.

Suddenly, two senbon needles flew from off to the side into Zabuza's neck, apparently killing him. As the man's body fell to the ground, a Kirinin caught it before it hit. The Kirinin was wearing a Kiri ANBU mask.

"Thank you for stopping him long enough for me to catch him," said the masked person. "We of Kiri have been hunting this one for a long time."

"You're a jerk, you know that?" replied Naruto angrily. "He was _my kill!_"

"Sorry about that but it was my mission to kill him. I'm going to go dispose of the body now." With that, the young ANBU left the area.

"YOU STUPID JERK! YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST LEFT HIS SWORD BEHIND!" shouted Naruto as he raised his fists into the air. Suddenly, Naruto didn't feel so good. He realized that he was pretty much out of chakra. He blacked out and fell towards the ground.

"Naruto!" called out both Kurenai and Hinata, but before the boy hit the ground Shinji caught him.

"Well, that was fun," chuckled the jackal as he set Naruto down on the ground. "Do tell him to call again, okay?" With that, Shinji returned to the world of summons.

"Naruto's probably okay," mused Shino. "More than likely he simply used up all of his chakra." He looked at Kurenai. "How long has that kunai been in your leg?"

"One of the Mizubunshin must have had a real kunai," replied Kurenai.

She then passed out from the blood loss and sudden lack of adrenaline. Shino was there to catch her. He pulled the offending stabbity object out of her leg and administered first aid.

"Tazuna? Help me carry Kurenai-sensei. Hinata? Go carry Naruto."

"O-okay!" she replied nervously.

* * *

They arrived at Tazuna's home about thirty minutes later and laid both Kurenai and Naruto out on mats. Just as Hinata was about to place a blanket over Naruto's body, his eyes shot open.

"I didn't think Heaven would be this beautiful!" he said, acting as though he was still half-asleep.

Hinata fainted and fell forwards. Naruto caught her and gently laid her down where he was on the mat before. He placed the blanket on her and stood up. He turned to see Shino shaking his head at him, obviously (to Naruto anyway) amused.

"So, where are we?"

"Tazuna's house."

"How long was I out?"

"About thirty to thirty-five minutes."

"Wow. I _was_ tired. Anyone else live here?"

"Just Tazuna's daughter, Tsunami, and her son, Inari."

"What happened to Kurenai-sensei?"

"Apparently, one of the water clones had stabbed her with a real kunai. We didn't notice until you had passed out."

Naruto laughed at that.

"Anyway," began the blonde. "What did you think of that hunter-nin?"

"I seriously doubt that our masked 'friend' had killed Zabuza, else the body would have been disposed of on the spot."

"I agree with Shino," said Kurenai weakly as she began to sit up. "More than likely, the 'hunter-nin' was Zabuza's accomplice; a fail-safe against him getting defeated. We will have to face the both of them when the time comes." She looked over at Hinata. "I see you've been flirting with her again, Naruto."

"I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about," replied Naruto sarcastically.

Tazuna and Tsunami entered the room, smiles on their faces.

"We'd like to thank you for defending me against Zabuza," said the old man.

"He's not dead," replied Naruto. "He was only mostly dead."

Kurenai explained her theory to Tazuna.

"Are you sure you're not just being paranoid?" asked the old man.

"I'm sure," replied Kurenai.

"Hinata's awake," stated Shino.

"Oh, good!" replied Tsunami. "Dinner will be ready in about half an hour."

"Wanna know what I just realized?" Naruto asked to no one in particular. "I have another chance to take that sword!"

"You really want that thing, don't you?" asked Tazuna.

"Sure do! It's the perfect thing to give you a _very_ close shave with!" Everyone else sweatdropped.

"Perhaps we'll get to kill this Gatou person as well," mused Shino.

"You'll die," said a young boy's voice. It was Inari, and he was standing at the door to the room.

"How do you know?" asked Naruto, curious as to whether the boy was a prophet or not.

"All who stand against Gatou die. There is no point in even making the effort to resist like Grandpa is doing. You'll all die."

"You make a very compelling argument; allow me a rebuttal," said Naruto. "BOOT TO DA HEAD!"

Inari was sent across the room and hit the wall. He slumped down like a rag doll.

"INARI!" exclaimed both Tazuna and Tsunami.

"Oh don't worry," said the blonde ninja in an annoyed tone. "He'll live. I made sure." There was a short pause, and then Naruto snapped his fingers. "_That's_ what I forgot!"

Both the old man and his daughter assumed that Naruto really did kill the boy. Hinata's mind had gone blank. Kurenai was exasperated. Shino suspected a joke was on the way.

"I didn't bring any of my instant ramen packets with me!"

Facefaults across the board!

"Naruto," began Kurenai. "What made you remember that just now?"

"I smell dinner."

* * *

After dinner, Kurenai outlined a plan for them all to train as it would take some time for Zabuza to recover enough to come after Tazuna again. She outlined that all three of the Genin needed some chakra control training, so they would be learning how to climb trees without the use of their arms.

The next morning they set out for training. Hinata did surprisingly well, and she was able to reach the top of her tree by noon. Kurenai sent her off to guard Tazuna while he worked on the bridge. Naruto and Shino weren't doing so well, and the blonde was doing a lot worse than his bespectacled friend. By dinner, the bug user had managed to reach the top whereas Naruto was only eight feet off of the ground.

Hinata and Tazuna returned home from the bridge and Kurenai, Shino, and Naruto returned from training. Naruto and Inari had another argument that ended with the smaller boy getting a black eye. Tazuna tried to pacify Naruto by telling him the story of Inari's stepfather, Kaiza.

"So all he does about it is cry?" asked Naruto.

"Um... I guess so."

Naruto gave the old man a look that screamed "your grandson is an idiot!" Before anyone could stop him, Naruto ran up the stairs to Inari's room and broke down the door.

"You IDIOT! You think crying is going to bring him back! Boy, do I have news for you! Kaiza would never want to see a frown on your face, so crack a smile! That won't bring him back, but it WILL piss Gatou off! And I can swear to you that Gatou will die soon!"

Naruto marched down the stairs with a smile on his face.

"I feel better now."

Inari was still in his room, a shocked expression on his face. Well, he looked as shocked as anyone could with the filling for a coconut creme pie covering his face (yes, it was a regular pie). Sometime during all the shouting, he had dropped the picture of Kaiza he had been holding. It lay there on the ground, the glass cracked. The boy wasn't able to bring himself to cry.

* * *

The next morning, Naruto set out to get the training done as soon as he could. His chakra control was still not very good, and he spent much of the day trying to run up a tree. Kurenai returned several times to check on his progress and make sure he ate. She'd leave a meal for him and return to find it had been eaten, but she never saw him cease in his training.

He continued on into the night, constantly trying to use his chakra to latch onto the tree and make it to the top. Every so often, the blonde's rants about how gravity was an idiotic jerk could be heard.

Eventually, morning found Naruto exhausted on the ground near the tree he had been using for training. However, the blonde was not alone. A feminine boy of the age of fourteen was searching for certain medicinal herbs when he found the young ninja asleep on the ground.

The feminine boy reached for the blonde as if to strangle him, but he hesitated as if he was deciding what to do. Finally, he decided to shake the blonde awake.

As soon as he touched Naruto, the blonde clown was instantly awake. He immediately sat up and had a kunai to the feminine boy's neck.

Blink.

"Don't ever touch a sleeping ninja," said the blonde.

"I'll have to remember that," replied the older boy.

Naruto put his kunai back in his weapons pouch. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto. Who are you?"

"My name is Haku."

"What are you doing out here?"

"I am collecting medicinal herbs. And I'm sorry if you're too poor to be able to sleep inside a building but..."

"Who said I was poor? I was training all night last night. I fell asleep only a few hours ago."

"Training?"

"To become stronger, naturally."

"For what reason?"

"So that I can spread smiles and laughter across the world!"

"... I'm afraid that doesn't make any sense."

"To you it doesn't."

"Don't you have any precious people you'd like to protect?"

"Maybe."

"That is a much better reason to become stronger, and you'll become stronger faster that way as well."

"I'll take your anonymous suggestion into consideration."

"How is that an anonymous suggestion? I gave it to you in person and you know my name."

"... Why don't you have a sense of humor?"

"What?"

"Never mind. Well, I ought to be going, Ma'am."

"Me too. And I'm actually a boy."

"Already knew that, Ma'am. You simply look like a girl, blah blah blah. Unless you cut your hair, I'm going to call you Ma'am."

"... Whatever. I'll see you later."

"Maybe. Just maybe."

* * *

The day progressed much like the day before: Naruto trained, Kurenai fed him, Hinata and Shino guarded Tazuna at the bridge, and Zabuza recovered some more.

That night saw Zabuza fully recovered and ready to attack the next day. It also saw Naruto reach the top of the stupid tree. He returned to Tazuna's house, exhausted. He slept like a rock all through the night.

* * *

Morning found Kurenai, Shino, Hinata, and Tazuna heading for the bridge. They decided to let Naruto sleep in, against Shino's suggestion that they wake him.

Additionally, Haku and Zabuza were also heading for the bridge.

* * *

End Chapter Six.

Next Chapter: "Say hello to my little friend!"

Author's Notes

Ten of you wanted Haku and/or Zabuza to live and another three of you wanted them both dead. Some of you didn't care one way or the other. The voting isn't closed, but like I said in the last chapter, the voting isnot going to impact the story in the least bit. So if you voted one way or the other prepare for disappointment. And those of you whom I told what is going to happen had better keep their mouths shut. Or fingers, as the case may be.

"The Pajama Song" at the beginning of this chapter I learned while I was at Scout Camp. Yes, I was a Boy Scout. Shut up. In any case, I couldn't remember the first few lines of the song, although the end is still vividly in my memory. Anyway, the song is to the tune of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic". EDIT: Thank you, Grey Field, for filling in the blanks on that song.

Naruto is of the mentality of "monkey see, monkey do better". Hence why he was able to mimic Zabuza's Suiton: Suiryudan no jutsu and create his own version of it. Naruto doesn't know a lot about chakra which is why he is able to do some of the things he can do. If he doesn't know it's impossible, it is very probable that he will accomplish it anyway.

How do you guys like Shinji and Yuki, the jackal summons? There will be more of them to come, but all the jackals will have Japanese names and all the hyenas will have Latin or Greek names. I already have decided that the strongest jackal will have three heads and the strongest hyena will also have three heads. The strongest hyena will be a female named Cerberus, but I need a name for the three-headed jackal. I am taking suggestions for its name as well as the names for any other summons in the jackal/hyena contract.

I apologize for how short this chapter happens to be. It simply felt like a stopping point. I'll try to make sure that the next chapter is longer.

Thank you Cylon One for prereading this.


	7. Clarisse

Omake

by Captain Fundoshi (edited by Lord Dragon Claw)

* * *

In the Uzumaki Estate's basement... 

A man with white eyes was hanging upside-down by his feet. A boy no older than 13 was standing on a cat walk next to the man.

"No, you can't do this. My IMAGE will be broken forever!" The man with white eyes exclaimed.

The boy laughed evilly. "You should have thought of that before you mentally and verbally abused Hinata," he retorted as he pulled a lever.

The man was lowered into what appeared to be a huge cauldron full of Type 2 Smilex...

"NO!" He screamed.

"No one will hear your screams. HAHAHAHA!"

Suddenly, the boy pulled the lever in the other direction. The white-eyed man was coughing and wheezing. When he was finished returning to a normal breathing pattern, he was quite puzzled.

"Why am I not laughing uncontrollably?"

"What? You thought that was Smilex? Naw. It was pink hair dye."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

THE END

* * *

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: I've just disclaimed Batman in front of a bunch of handicapped boys! Now someone get me Santa Claus!!

Key: "Japanese." ")English.("

Chapter Seven: Clarisse

* * *

Naruto awakened to the sound of Tsunami screaming to please don't kill her son or else she'll bite her own tongue off. 

At first, Naruto was pissed as he looked at a nearby clock to see what time it was. He instantly knew he had been left behind, but at least there was amusement somewhere nearby. Perhaps Kurenai-sensei had anticipated this? Manipulative woman.

Naruto got up and silently dressed himself and readied his weapons pouch. He could hear Inari crying as he apparently regained consciousness. Suddenly, the boy stopped crying. Naruto could hear the sound of a kitchen drawer opening. He heard a knife being removed from the drawer. The front door opened again. Naruto looked out the window to see the boy running with a steak knife in hand.

_**That kid has guts.**_

_You said it. I wonder if it was something I said?_

_**Evidently, it was.**_

_Well, let's go have some fun!_

_**You're going to kill the broad's kidnappers? **_Clearly, the Kyubi was confused.

_Yeah. Wanna make something of it?_

_**No thanks. I'm good.**_

_You're learning; I'm so proud!_

_**Your sarcasm is blistering.**_

_You're welcome!_

With that, Naruto pursued the kidnappers while making sure that Inari didn't notice him.

* * *

Waraji and Zouri were bored out of their minds. Sure, they got to kill a pig on the way to kidnapping Tsunami, but then they didn't get to kill the brat. No matter. 

Suddenly, a rock hit Waraji in the back. Inari then demanded that his mother be set free. The swordsmen turned to see that the brat had followed them and was holding a pitifully dull steak knife as a weapon. Tsunami again threatened to end her own life if they harmed her son, but Waraji quickly knocked her out before she could make good on her threat. Meanwhile, Zouri began walking towards the boy, hand on his sword. Inari charged him, but before either person got within striking distance of the other, a sound like thunder echoed in the immediate area. Zouri's head exploded to his right in a mess of meat, bone, brains, and blood as a heavy lead object traveled through it at incredibly high velocities. His body fell to its knees, and then fell face-down, making a pool of blood and gore under him.

Inari was scared as Hell. Then a familiar psychotic laugh echoed out and Naruto suddenly appeared on top of Zouri's corpse, a large, straight metal object with a wooden handle in his hand. On the top of the object, an orange smiley-face had been painted.

"Say 'hello', Clarisse," said Naruto creepily as he pulled the trigger. Waraji's head exploded backwards. His corpse similarly fell backwards when his knees went limp.

"Naruto?"

"What?"

"Thank you!"

Naruto was confused. He didn't know why Inari was thanking him. He guessed correctly that it had something to do with saving the boy's life as well as rescuing his mother.

"Well, you got guts, kid. How about you go and get a lynch mob together? I'm going to the bridge now. Bye bye!"

With that, Naruto disappeared. Inari was a little confused - he didn't know what a lynch mob was. He then determined that he should get the villagers together so that they all could fight as well.

* * *

Naruto reloaded Clarisse as he made his way to the bridge. He had used two slugs against the samurai, and he loaded his shotgun with a shot cartridge and another slug. He was still a little pissed that his teammates had left him behind. 

As he approached the bridge, he made note of the thick mist that had gathered. He also saw a dome made of ice. Naruto prepared a kunai...

* * *

Hinata was worried. She was stuck inside the dome of Makyou Hyou Shou (Demonic Ice Mirrors) that Haku had put up. She was having difficulty predicting Haku's next move as he moved faster than her Byakugan could track. She had a number of senbon needles sticking through her body. 

She knew that Shino and Kurenai-sensei were facing off against Zabuza and having difficulty. She didn't know what to do.

Experimentally, she threw a kunai at one of the gaps in the mirrors. Haku reached out of a mirror and caught it only to have his mask hit by another kunai thrown from outside the dome. Haku fell out of the mirror and was temporarily stunned.

Curious as to what had happened, both Zabuza and Kurenai turned their attention towards the ice dome just in time to see Naruto land while making hand seals.

"Kuchiyose no jutsu!"

Two laughing voices were heard. One was loud and guttural whereas the other was deep and creepy. As the smoke cleared, a giant two-headed hyena was seen.

"**The Bird of Hermes is our name,**" began the hyena's right head. Its voice was the loud and guttural one. Its empty eye sockets glowed red and orange and spouted smoke.

"**Eating our wings to make us tame,**" finished the other head. Its voice was deep and creepy, as if it were the voice of the dead. Its empty eye sockets dripped with blood and glowed a sickly purple.

"They were delicious!" said Naruto from the back of The Bird of Hermes. Both heads laughed at Naruto's joke.

"**I doubt we have met before,**" began the left head. "**My name is Pluto.**"

"**And mine is Vulcan. So, who are we to kill?**"

"See the guy with the big sword?" Both heads nodded. "I want you to kill him, but I want the sword intact. Have fun!" Naruto leapt off of their back and landed on the topmost ice mirror.

Vulcan spat a fireball at Zabuza. The swordsman dodged. Pluto's mouth opened and many tentacles that were darker than the blackest night reached out to grasp the nukenin. Zabuza chopped through the tentacles with his sword but soon found that they almost instantly regenerated. He was able to get away from the tentacles only to have to dodge another fireball.

Pluto clamped his mouth shut, cutting the tentacles off, but the tentacles linked together to make a squid-like creature that continued to go after Zabuza. Pluto then turned his head towards Shino, Kurenai, and Tazuna.

"**I want you three to get behind us - this is going to get ugly.**"

Pluto then turned back to the battle. Zabuza was busy dodging the dark squid and Vulcan's fireballs. Pluto inhaled deeply and spat out a pile of bones. The bones arranged themselves into three humanoid monstrosities. Each had a spear made entirely of bone. As they attacked, Vulcan inhaled deeply and spat a mass of flame on the ground in front of him. The flame took solid shape and became three metal humanoid monsters. They too attacked Zabuza.

Pluto began spitting bone projectiles at Zabuza whereas Vulcan went back to using his fireballs.

* * *

Naruto was trying to figure out a way into the dome without exposing himself to Haku's attacks when the mirror he was standing on suddenly spun, throwing him inside. He landed at Hinata's feet. 

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a trap like this?" said Naruto as he pulled his face off of the floor. Hinata blushed despite the pain from the senbon needles.

"Now I have two opponents," began Haku. "Which should I kill first?"

"Hi Ma'am!" replied Naruto. "Haven't seen you since the forest."

"You knew that it was me?"

"Well, duh."

"Naruto-kun..."

"What is it Hinata?"

"This boy moves faster than my eyes can track."

"Really? I guess I should speed up too."

Naruto pulled his pant legs up, revealing that his shins and calves were covered in training weights. He quickly unbuckled them and threw them at two of the mirrors. When they collided with the mirrors, said sheets of ice cracked. Then the weights fell to the ground and cracked the tiles that covered the top of the bridge.

Naruto then revealed that his forearms were similarly covered in weights when he slid the sleeves of his jacket up his arms. He quickly removed those weights and threw them at another pair of mirrors, eliciting a similar reaction from both the mirrors and the tiles.

Haku then made an attempt to attack while causing the four damaged mirrors to reform. Naruto dodged and tried to punch the long-haired boy in the gut, narrowly missing.

"Wow. You're still faster than me."

Haku ignored him. Haku decided to try and make for another attack. Naruto narrowly missed with his counterattack. When Haku made another pass, Naruto threw a halibut at the boy, narrowly missing yet again. Hinata, however, managed to nick Haku's right arm with her Juuken, paralyzing it. When Haku made another pass, Hinata tried to hit him again. She missed, but Naruto managed to give the boy a boot to the head. When the long-haired boy hit the ground, he decided to finish off the girl so that he could concentrate on Naruto. He threw a number of needles at Hinata. Naruto's eyes went wide as he wasn't able to stop the needles. He looked at the girl.

"N-n-naruto-kun... I l-love..." she said just before she passed out and collapsed.

Naruto turned to Haku, severe hatred and rage in his eyes.

"You stupid fox," began Naruto quietly. "Gimme your power. GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!"

Fearing Naruto's ire, Kyubi complied. Naruto's eyes became slits and red. His nails lengthened into claws. His hair became much wilder. His canines lengthened into fangs. The whisker marks on his cheeks became darker. His mouth became a snarling, toothy grin that unsettled Haku to the core of his being. Red chakra exploded from Naruto's body as he gave a primal scream, shattering all of the ice mirrors. Naruto leapt at Haku and began to beat the boy into a bloody pulp.

"This is the way we  
"Beat your face!  
"Beat your face!  
"Beat your face!  
"This is the way we  
"Beat your face!  
"For revenge this fine mor-ning!"

Shino, Tazuna, and Kurenai witnessed Naruto's rage as he beat the Hell out of Haku. When Haku could barely move, Naruto pulled out Clarisse and pumped Haku's heart full of shot.

Noticing Hinata, Kurenai ran to the girl's motionless body. Just before she was able to touch the girl, Naruto was there.

"**Don't. Touch. Her.**" Naruto was still pissed and sad. Kurenai complied with his command. Slowly, the red chakra dissipated and Naruto's body returned to normal.

The blonde leaned over and kissed Hinata's pale lips. As he began to stand up, Kurenai could see tears streaming down Naruto's face.

"Get those needles out of her, and be careful," commanded Naruto. "Shino, let's go kill a swordsman."

As the boys went towards the fight between The Bird of Hermes and Zabuza, Kurenai pulled a needle out of Hinata's neck. Suddenly, the Hyuga girl gasped for air. She was still alive!

* * *

Zabuza had finally managed to find a way to kill the dark squid thing, and had destroyed two of the metal monsters and all three of the bone creatures. The third metal creature was incapacitated, and Zabuza was attempting to keep The Bird of Hermes from creating any more monsters. 

Suddenly, a swarm of bugs started buzzing around the swordsman's head, biting and stinging him. He couldn't ignore them, and he realized that someone was standing behind him. Before he could react, a pair of kunai had been jabbed into each arm, forcing him to drop his sword. As it fell, Zabuza kicked it towards The Bird of Hermes. Neither Pluto nor Vulcan were able to catch the blade, and Vulcan's neck was sliced. Fearing for their life, they returned to the world of summons, taking the remains of the dark squid, the skeletons, and the metal monsters with them.

"You're finished," stated Naruto emotionlessly. Suddenly, they all heard laughing coming from the unfinished end of the bridge. Everyone turned to see a gang of thugs with Gatou in their midst.

"Zabuza," began the crime lord. "I knew you wouldn't be able to complete your mission, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. Since everyone here is tired or dead, it wouldn't be all that hard for my men to kill you all. Additionally, I won't have to pay you if you happen to be killed in the melee. So, baby demon, what does it feel like to feel fear?"

"Hey kid," said Zabuza. "Lend me a kunai."

"Sure," said Naruto before stabbing the swordsman in the heart with it.

"W-why?" asked the nukenin.

"Because your ally killed my girl. Now shut up and die already!" Naruto twisted the kunai as he drove it deeper.

Gatou laughed. Naruto then turned his anger towards the crime lord.

"SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!" yelled the blonde in an entirely too happy manner. He pulled out Clarisse and shot the slug towards Gatou. The little man's head exploded, and the man behind him was hit in the heart. Both died instantly.

"Now you've gone and done it!" yelled one of the thugs. "You just killed our source of a paycheck, so we'll take our revenge out on you!"

Suddenly, said thug fell over, a crossbow bolt sticking out from between his eyes. Everyone turned to look at the other end of the bridge to see all of the villagers standing there with various weapons and tools. Inari was the one holding the crossbow.

"Good shot," complimented Naruto.

"Thanks," replied the young boy. The blonde turned to the thugs and touched the palm of his left hand. A pie appeared.

"Kagebunshin!"

Twenty Narutos appeared, each holding a pie. They launched the projectiles at the thugs, each pie hitting one in the face. Screams of agony were heard as the men who had been hit by a pie had their faces dissolved by a powerful acid. The remaining thugs began jumping off of the bridge and onto a boat. The boat sped away, but didn't get far before Naruto pulled a bundle of strange orange sticks out of his jacket. He pulled a tag off of the strings that were attached to the sticks, and hurled it at the boat. The sticks exploded just as they hit the deck, destroying the boat and killing everyone on board.

Naruto went over to where Kurenai was crouched near Hinata; all of the senbon needles had been removed. Naruto's eyes went wide as he saw that Hinata's eyes were open and she was breathing.

"Hinata?"

"Y-yes N-naruto-kun?"

Naruto pinched his cheek.

"Ow. I'm not dreaming. I'M NOT DREAMING! YOU'RE ALIVE!!" Naruto had a grin on his face, but it wasn't a creepy or scary grin - it was a smile of genuine joy.

He began to jump around, obviously happy and excited. As he expressed his happiness, he collected his weaponry and his training weights. He restored said items to their proper places and went over to where Zabuza's sword lay. He hefted the weapon over his shoulder and then walked to where Hinata was, grin still on his face. He placed the sword's hilt inside his jacket, and it disappeared in a puff of smoke. He then picked the girl up and began to carry her back to Tazuna's house.

* * *

After Hinata had recovered, and after the bodies (or parts thereof) of the dead (those that could be located) had been buried (Zabuza's and Haku's were side-by-side), the bridge had been repaired and finished. Tazuna declared that the bridge would be named the Naruto Bridge. Naruto laughed his head off when he heard that. 

Kurenai and her students said goodbye to the Wave Country, and headed for home. Naruto and Hinata were walking together, hand-in-hand.

* * *

End Chapter Seven. 

Next Chapter: Preparations for the Exams. The Chuunin Exams, that is.

Author's Notes

Twenty of you are disappointed. Another six are satisfied. The rest didn't care.  
HA HA! The poll was just for my own sadistic amusement! Oh don't be mad... I'll make it up to you... eventually... if ever.

Yeah, the two-headed hyena is named The Bird of Hermes, and his heads are Pluto and Vulcan. The three-headed hyena is named Cerberus, and her heads are named Melpomene, Thalia, and Clio. Other hyenas are named Janus (male), Minerva (female), Torqueo (male), and Voro (male). For jackals, the three-headed jackal is named Hachiman, and his heads are named Ichiman, Sanman, and Yonman. The two-headed jackal is named Ushiwaka, and his heads are named Ushiro and Wakamaru. Other jackals are Shinji and Yuki (both of which you know of), Mojibake (female), Yaiba (male), Heki (male), and Bakuyaku (female). Still looking for more names for both jackals and hyenas.

Naruto managed to get Zabuza's sword. Does anyone wonder what he's going to do with it?

I also have an announcement: I'm getting married on August 1st, 2008. **EDIT:** August 8th, 2008 (changed because of scheduling issues). So my updates might be a little more sporadic as that date approaches. Hell, I had a hard enough time getting this chapter done by the beginning of March, and it took me getting sick with the flu before I had the time to write it.

Thank you Cylon One for prereading and putting up with my insanity.

* * *

Omake

by Lord Dragon Claw

* * *

As Zabuza was trying to keep The Bird of Hermes from creating any more monsters, Naruto snuck up on him. The blonde put both of his hands into his jacket. 

"Minnow Cloud!"

He threw a large number of minnows into the air. The small fish pelted Zabuza, distracting him. When he turned to deal with the blonde, he stepped on some the puny fish and slipped.

"Henge!"

Naruto suddenly looked like a Britishman. He then went and reached into his business suit and pulled a mackerel out of it.

"Behold: I am John Cleese!" declared the boy as he began to beat Zabuza with the fish.

* * *

That was just for fun. See you next month! 


	8. International Incident

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Hello operator! It seems my call has been _disclaimed_! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Key: "Japanese." ")English.("

Chapter Eight: International Incident

* * *

Hiashi was freaking out. His daughter, whom he once believed was useless, had been sent on a C-rank mission. Come to find out, it actually was an A-rank mission. Despite this, she not only survived, but she and her team were successful on their mission, even in spite the hindrance that the demon brat obviously posed. To top it off, she seemed immensely more confident in everything she did.

Was she laying low before now or did this single success cause Hinata to become prideful? Or was it something else? It was all so confusing. Well, he wasn't sure how she trained, though she seemed to spend a lot of time with her teammates and jounin instructor. Perhaps she had been training the whole time? Hiashi wasn't sure.

He had sent members of his clan to spy on them, but his spies didn't stay conscious for long. Perhaps it was that Aburame boy that kept detecting them? Whatever. It was pointless to try and spy.

* * *

Little did the head of the Hyuga clan know, Shino, Naruto, and Hinata were training together and trading jutsu.

Come to find out, Naruto's bloodline seemed to be transferable via simply being around him for an extended period of time. Joker had a theory; the chemicals that the Uzumakis released in slow amounts seeped into the people around them. Over a period of time, the bodies of said people began to gain some immunity to it. Eventually, their bodies adapted to produce the chakra and chemicals needed for the bloodline.

What it really was, though, was the miniscule amounts of both types of Smilex that the Uzumakis released that caused the bodies of others to adapt.

Hinata had begun to have a slight poisonous tint to her chakra. Same with Shino, but with the bug-user, his body (and the bodies of his bugs) seemed to have adapted further, possibly because he had been around members of the Uzumaki Clan a great deal more than Hinata had. Naruto was teaching Shino how to use this to his advantage. Shino developed the Hotarubaku no jutsu (Firefly Bomb no jutsu) in which he could have his bugs explode using the poisonous chakra as a catalyst. A single bug exploding wouldn't do much damage, but a group of forty bugs could sever limbs with a combined explosion. Considering that the numbers of Shino's personal colony were in the hundreds of thousands...

Hinata taught the Juuken to Naruto. Her Juuken was like a blunt knife. Her cousin Neji's was like a razor blade. Naruto's? Like a cinder block. Though he didn't have the control needed to do the Juuken properly, his version pumped so much poisonous chakra into his opponent's coils that they twisted unnaturally, screwing with the nervous system and generally causing havoc.

Shino, who had studied chakra strings as per his clan's rite of passage, taught the theory to both Naruto and Hinata. Since his clan had fought a great deal of puppeteers in their past, they had learned how to counter a puppeteer's techniques. Part of learning the counters was learning the techniques themselves. Naruto, in his twisted way, decided to figure out how to apply the chakra strings to his version of the Juuken, though he did not reveal this to his teammates.

Naruto taught Hinata how to make automations (robots) similar to the lawn gnomes of the Uzumaki estate, and they worked on using chakra strings in conjunction with them.

* * *

Later, with Joker and Shino working on seals, Naruto summoned the three-headed Jackal: Hachiman.

**"What the--?"**

**"Wheeee!"**

**"Hey, we've been summoned!"**

"Good evening, Hachiman. We welcome you with open arms!"

**"Well met, pup,"** said the center head which had a single symbol on top of his head.

**"Why did you summon us?"** asked the right head (having four different symbols on his head).

**"Hey look! It's that clown guy! Hi!"** blurted the left head (having three different symbols on his head). Obviously, that one was off his rocker.

Joker chuckled, but kept quiet as he and Shino continued writing seals.

"I summoned you to make a proposition. A deal, if you will. I know that since Sanman is a bit... off, and he has the Banner of Defense, it is hard for you to defend yourselves. Am I correct?"

**"Ooooo... What's _that!?_"** Asked the left head as he looked at some random object.

The center head raised his eyebrow at the left head.

The right head decided to take care of the conversation. **"That is true. We have become something of a powerhouse with no defense. It is hard amongst the Jackals and Hyenas, as there are often fights over food and such. Ichiman and I have had to remain in the background, eating only when the others were done. Since we are a male, we also have to let the females have first pick, as is the culture of the pack. It's no fun being the top Jackal when you are the bottom of the food chain."**

"I thought so. My proposal is to seal the three of you into a weapon, making it stronger and you three less vulnerable to attack."

**"I SMELL PIE!!"**

**"Yonman, I agree with the arrangement."**

**"As do ****I.**** Very well.**** What are the other terms and what weapon are we being sealed into?"**

The blonde psychopath grinned.

* * *

Hinata was determined to impress Naruto. She began working on a fighting style based off of the Hakke Rokujuuyonshou (Eight Trigrams, Sixty-Four Palms). Rather than have it be a simple attack routine like the rest of Hyugas, she wanted it to be an entire style. Her chakra was changing. She knew that. It was becoming corrosive and poisonous, but it remained flexible and fluid, if a little sluggish. A deadly combination.

She sought out the Hyugas' own resident medic-nin, Hyuga Shishou, for supplemental training. A Branch member, he didn't much like the members of the Main House of the Hyuga family, but like all the Branch members with the exception of a few, he had a soft spot for the Hyuga heiress, Hinata.

"Hinata-sama," greeted the thirty-year-old medic. "What can I do for you?"

"Good afternoon, Shishou-san. I need to step up my training. You are aware of who my teammates are, yes?"

"Of course. The Aburame prodigy and the Uzumaki child."

"Well, you would know that the Aburame use their own hives of bugs to heal themselves, so Shino-san is safe from most injuries. Naruto-kun has a remarkable ability of recovery; he has no scars. Unfortunately, I do not have such defenses against... bad luck."

Bad luck. That is what the Hyuga often called the blind spot that plagued their bloodline. Also, Shishou knew that Hinata did not have the skill to learn the Kaiten, the spinning technique that protected against attacks that came from any direction, including the blind spot.

"You wish to learn medical jutsu from me?"

"Not just that. I wish to create a new taijutsu style based off of the Juuken style's ultimate attack: the Hakke Rokujuuyonshou. I figure that incorporating chakra scalpels into the attack, I can create a much more deadly version."

Truly, the Hyuga heiress was a genius. She may not be as precise or as quick with the Juuken, but to create a new style combining the ultimate attack of an existing style with a medical technique known to cause severe damage without much effort would be an extraordinary achievement. With Hinata's chakra reserves being greatly above average, this would likely be possible.

"Very well. But I must inform you: I will not do this as a Branch member serving the Main House; I will do this as a friend."

"Good. I wouldn't want it any other way. Oh, and I want our training to be our little secret."

"Of course," replied Shishou, realizing that Hinata was definitely more confident than when she had left for Wave. He knew that she would be better for it, but it begged the question: why? Wasn't the demon brat's presence detrimental to everyone? It was interesting, to say the least, but Shishou would not look into it further. He felt more honor-bound to Hinata than he did to any other Main member. He would wait for signs of distress before he demanded (as one of her guardians) for her to be removed from her team.

* * *

Naruto was spending some of his free time taunting Sakura and Kiba. He had introduced himself with a boot to Kiba's head. Akamaru was growling at Naruto when the blonde sensed something coming at him. He whirled around and caught a blunted kunai.

He saw who threw it. Konohamaru.

"You're improving," stated the insane blonde.

"Learned from someone who was willing to teach me," retorted the child.

"Who would that be, I wonder?"

"Me," replied Kiba.

"So rather than mimic the clown, you settled for the chihuahua pup." Kiba growled in response.

"Hey, Boss," interrupted Konohamaru, drawing the Inuzuka's attention. "That girl with the pink hair..." The kid held his hand up and stuck out his pinky. "Is she your... you know?"

Kiba blushed. Naruto shook with barely contained laughter. Sakura growled in rage.

"You come back here you little..." she said just before chasing after him. Kiba chased after her to prevent her from killing the poor kid. Naruto followed simply to watch the show.

Konohamaru turned to stick his tongue out at Sakura, and turned back only to run into something, knocking himself backwards.

The object he ran into grunted. "Hey! You little runt! That hurt!"

The person who was whining picked Konohamaru up by the back of his shirt. The small boy was terrified, but to his credit, he simply scowled menacingly at the hooded figure holding him against the wishes of gravity.

The figure holding him was wearing a black robe and had face paint on, making him look like a kabuki actor. He had a body-sized bundle on his back wrapped in bandages. Behind this figure was a blonde girl, slightly older than he, with her hair tied into four small pig-tails. She had a giant fan strapped to her back.

"Stop scowling at me. I'm going to teach you a lesson."

"You probably shouldn't do that, Kankuro," remarked the girl. "This isn't like it was back home in Suna."

"Shut up, Temari! Little brats like this should show proper respect to a ninja of the Sand."

"I'm surprised he hasn't pissed in your face yet, then," retorted Kiba, who had finally caught up. Akamaru barked as though he was agreeing with his master.

"Out of my way, Shi Tzu boy, before you get flattened!"

Suddenly, Sakura was there and she bashed Kankuro's wrist with a two-by-four, forcing the kabuki enthusiast to let go of Konohamaru.

"GAH!"

Both the girl and the young child managed to get behind Kiba before the hooded boy could react.

"THAT'S IT!" roared Kankuro as he pulled the bundle off of his back. But before it even hit the ground, his wrist was hit with a rock, forcing him to drop the bundle.

He and Temari looked up into a nearby tree to see Sasuke lounging on one of the branches, nonchalantly juggling some rocks.

"You should be careful," he stated, grouping all three rocks into one hand. "This is not your home, little ant."

"You should be careful," replied a voice from behind Sasuke, totally devoid of emotion. "Little lizards should not become too prideful."

Sasuke was stunned. How did the boy get behind him? Suddenly, his presence was gone. He was then standing next to Kankuro. He was shorter than the other two, had red hair, and no eyebrows. Instead, he had the kanji for "love" tattooed above his left eye. His eyes also had bags under them and around them that were so dark, they might as well have been black. This boy carried a giant gourd on his back.

"G-Gaara!" exclaimed the other two.

"We should go back to the hotel. In the tree, what's your name?"

"Uchiha Sasuke."

"I wasn't talking to you, worm."

Puzzled, Sasuke looked around. Suddenly, he noticed a weight on his head. He went to brush whatever it was off when he came in contact with a boot. Suddenly, the weight was gone as Naruto jumped down only a few feet away from Gaara. Sasuke glared at the blonde clown.

Before answering Gaara, Naruto turned to Sasuke. "You may want to wash your hair. I may or may not have stepped in dog crap."

Just before disappearing from the tree, Sasuke's eyes widened in horror. Naruto laughed at his vanishing act. He was still chuckling when he turned back to Gaara.

"Name's Uzumaki Naruto. Let me be the first to welcome you to Konoha for the Chuunin Exams."

Naruto extended his hand as if to handshake. Gaara just stared at the outstretched arm, wondering what it would take to sever that arm from the rest of the body.

"No? Well, how about you, Mister Mascara?"

Kankuro's eyes narrowed, but he took the proffered hand only to be zapped with a little over a thousand volts of electricity. The hooded boy fell over, unconscious.

"KANKURO!" screamed Temari.

Naruto fell backwards, laughing his head off, causing Konohamaru, Sakura, and Kiba to sweatdrop. When he was done, Gaara spoke.

"I'll remember your name, Uzumaki Naruto. Temari. Take Kankuro."

With that, he vanished. Temari glared at Naruto, then picked up the hooded boy and his bandaged parcel and disappeared.

* * *

The whole of Konoha was in an uproar making last-minute preparations for the Chuunin Exams. Ninja from villages all around the known world gathered together to take the test.

Finally, the day arrived...

* * *

Team 8 saw the hallway with the classroom under a genjutsu. They kept walking, knowing the hallway to be under an illusion. They then arrived at the testing hall.

Naruto looked around at all of the other chuunin hopefuls.

"HA!" he yelled while grinning. "I'm going to slaughter the lot of you!"

Some simply dismissed him. Others glared at him. Three walked towards him.

"How's it going, Clown, Hinata-san, Shino-san?" asked Ino, one of the three.

"Well if it isn't the Fangirl? Has your 'one true love' arrived yet?"

Obviously, Ino didn't detect the sarcasm dripping from Naruto's voice. "No, and I hope that Big Forehead Girl doesn't make him late."

"How you doin', Muscles?" asked Naruto.

"Doing great," replied Chouji. "I hear you guys went on an A-Ranked mission."

"That's right," explained Shino. "It started as a C, but it was bumped up to A."

"Um, Shikamaru-san, how are things?" asked Hinata.

"As troublesome as ever," replied the lazy ninja. "Our sensei doesn't train us much so we have to take the initiative. It's a total pain."

"Riiiiiiiight," retorted Naruto. "Say, how about a quick game of mumbleypeg?"

"Only if I'm the one holding the kunai."

"You're no fun."

Then Team Guy walked into the hall. They quietly sat down in a few seats (which was remarkable for Lee to do). Finally, Team 7 entered the hall.

"Get lost?" Naruto asked Sasuke.

"Bastard," replied the Uchiha.

"Flattery will get you nowhere."

Ino glomped Sasuke, triggering an argument with Sakura.

"Hey, Naruto!" called Kiba. "I'm going to beat you to a pulp! I've been training!"

"So have we!" replied Hinata.

"So loud for such young ninja," said a new voice. An older boy wearing glasses approached them. He had silver hair and a Konoha forehead protector.

"Who are you?" demanded Sakura.

"My name is Yakushi Kabuto," he replied. "And this is my seventh time taking these exams."

"Wow," said Kiba. "You must be really pathetic."

"Actually, the exams are _that_ difficult."

As Kabuto continued his conversation, the three members of Team 8 looked at each other. In the eyes of all three was the message: "there is no way this guy failed that many times". Naruto knew it because of the large chakra reserves that the other boy had. Hinata knew it because of the calculated movements that Kabuto made, revealing his insincerity. Shino could tell by the tonal fluctuations in the other boy's voice.

When Kabuto pulled out his Ninja Info Cards and explained how they worked, Naruto sniggered and broke into song.

"With my Ninja Info Cards!  
"What the heck are those?  
"My Ninja Info Cards!  
"Have been chakra encoded...  
"My Ninja Info Cards!  
"Ninja-ninja-ninja-ninja-ninja Info Cards!"

Mostly everyone in the Exam Hall was stunned.

"Did you just make a song out of what I just said?" asked Kabuto incredulously.

"Yeah. Why?"

"Um... Never mind. Any info on anybody you want to know?"

Sasuke spoke first. "Rock Lee, Gaara of the Desert, and Uzumaki Naruto."

Naruto raised his eyebrow at this, but said nothing.

"Let's see here... Rock Lee has excellent taijutsu and decent skill with the weapon as well as above average stealth. He has no skill in ninjutsu or genjutsu." Kabuto continued by giving Lee's mission record. "Gaara's stats are rather unknown. All I know is that he's never been hurt." He also gave Gaara's mission record and reiterated that the red-haired boy from the sand never got hurt. "And Naruto... He's been on fifty-eight D-Rank missions and one A-Rank. He is the 'son' of Uzumaki Joker and Uzumaki Harley. He seems rather balanced when it comes to taijutsu and ninjutsu. His skill in genjutsu is unknown. On his last mission, he killed the Demon of the Mist, Zabuza, and slaughtered a gang of thugs."

The various ninja who had heard of Zabuza and were listening in looked at one another in astonishment.

"Of course, this is only what the young Uzumaki has unknowingly shown me. Anyone else want information?"

"I do," answered Hinata. "I want to see how the card for myself compares to that of Hyuga Neji."

Hinata saw that her card showed her to be at less skill and power than Neji. She began to look distraught, but then Naruto whispered something into her ear. She then realized that Kabuto didn't know what she was capable of. She silently thanked Naruto.

Kabuto then mentioned how nearly every hidden village had sent genin to be tested for the rank of chuunin. Even the new village, Oto (Sound). He assured the Konoha genin that the Otonin probably weren't all that strong. The three Otonin then attacked Kabuto. Though the boy dodged, his glasses still cracked and he became violently ill.

Then a voice at the front of the room yelled at them for fighting. It was Morino Ibiki.

"This part of the test is NOT about combat."

"HI UNCLE IBIKI!" called Naruto from the back of the room. Ibiki laughed.

"I see my psychotic 'nephew' is participating in the Exams."

The interrogation specialist then explained the rules for the first test.

* * *

After all the genin were seated, the test began. Many people had no trouble gathering the needed information to fill out the answers, though many more failed their teams due to carelessness.

Naruto had done no information gathering. The first thing he did when he sat down was remove his weights under the desk and stash them under his chair for the time being. Then he wrote a whole bunch of nonsense and drew some pictures on his test. When there was only twenty minutes to go, Naruto was ready to make his move. He pulled out a flashbang from his weapons pouch, pulled the pin and set it down on his boot. He then kicked it into the air while pointing at it and yelling: "What the Hell is that!?"

Quite literally everyone's attention had been focused on the strange cylinder when it exploded into a brilliant, blinding light and a deafening sound. Naruto, who was ready for it, covered his eyes right when it went off.

He moved quickly, switching someone's test paper with his own. Within ten seconds, he was back at his seat, his new test paper bearing his name. He also managed to put his weights back on. Five seconds later, everyone had finally managed to recover from the distraction. Since neither Ibiki nor any of the Chuunin Examiners could find anything out of order, they decided to let it go. Ibiki had a rough idea of what happened, but that was only because he personally knew Naruto. He wasn't about to dock points for that.

* * *

End Chapter Eight.

Next Chapter: "Little Clownie Naru  
"Was laughing through the forest,  
"Picking up the genin  
"And bashing in their heads!"

Author's Notes

Shishou means "puncture wound". I found it an appropriate name for a Hyuga medic-nin.

I've noticed something about my own writing style: I love dialogue. I can't get around it. I love dialogue. So much can be expressed with dialogue alone, that it never ceases to amaze me. I try to steer myself away from dialogue though. Too much makes a story boring.

Putting dog crap in Sasuke's hair is comedic gold!  
Same with jump-starting Kankuro's day!

This chapter's song, "Ninja Info Cards", brought to you by Kajetokun (from YouTube). Yeah, I butchered it. I don't care. Still funny.

Flashbangs. Gotta love 'em!

The next chapter will be loads of fun. I can guarantee it.

No prereaders this time. Cylon One is having real life difficulties (or so I assume) and can't keep up with me. Ben Oliver is very busy with his own life and I can't have him preread my crap all the time. I can't get any other of my previous prereaders to look things over either.  
I'll tell you what: if you want the job, send me a PM and a pet Shoggoth, and I'll consider it.


	9. Advantage

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA!

Chapter Nine: Advantage

* * *

After one of the genin stupidly started demanding an explanation as to what happened to his testing paper, Ibiki finally asked the tenth question. If anyone failed the tenth question, they (and their teammates) would never be allowed to advance to the rank of Chuunin. Any who wished to opt out was allowed to do so, failing their teammates. Ibiki thought that he had tormented the genin quite enough.

"All of you who have stayed... You pass."

"What!?" screamed out several of them.

"All of you who remain have passed the first part of the Exam. It's quite simple. The information-gathering exercise was to weed out those who were far too obvious in their attempts to spy. Unfortunately, I do believe that my nephew found a loophole in the system." Ibiki paused while Naruto laughed. "Regardless, the ones who were left at the end were then given a choice: accept a mission with the possibility of death or back down and not get paid. Chuunin, as squad leaders, are expected to make these decisions. All who left before I asked the final question will be allowed to compete again in six months, but the rest of you advance. Now, the next proctor for the Exams is-"

Glass shattered, interrupting Ibiki. A woman jumped through the broken window, four kunai flew out, a banner was pulled up, and the woman began a speech.

"I am the sexy kunoichi Mitarashi Anko, Proctor for the second part of the Chuunin Exams!"

"Auntie Anko!"

"Oh, hello Naruto. Anyway, you are all to meet me just outside of Training Ground 44 in thirty minutes or your team automatically fails. MOVE IT, MAGGOTS!"

"Hear that? We're all going to be flies when we grow up!" exclaimed Naruto.

"You would all make for interesting etymological specimens," muttered Shino, causing Naruto to crack up.

"Boys," retorted Hinata, stealing the thought out of the minds of every female present.

* * *

Training Ground Number 44 a.k.a. "the Forest of Death"  
A-Class Secret Training Ground  
Danger Level: High  
Mortality Rate: High  
Survival Rate: Low  
Chosen Site for Part 2 of the Chuunin Exams: Yes  
Anko's most Favorite Place in the Whole World: Very Yes  
Location: Near the Uzumaki Estate (formerly known as Training Ground Number 45)  
Likelihood of Any of this Information Having Any Significance to this Story: 67 Percent

* * *

"You have to sign these waivers if you are going to continue. This next part will be a survival exam and it will cut the number of teams down by at least half. At least half of those teams will be disqualified simply because at least one of their team members will be dead. Now there are two different scrolls. Some teams will be given the Heaven Scrolls, and the others will receive the Earth Scrolls. Your objective is to get to the tower in the center of the Forest of Death with at least one of each scroll, both of which must remain unopened. You have five days from the start to the finish. Any questions?"

One genin dumbly raised his hand. "Is killing allowed?"

With a goodly amount of Killer Intent, Anko stared him down. "Is the sky blue?"

* * *

"Naruto-san," Shino said, gaining the clown's attention. "What is our plan for this?"

"You two set up traps around the tower. Using the various underground routes that my family has made around here in secret, I'm going hunting. Oh, here's a map of those routes. Both of you should memorize it well."

Shino and Hinata stared at the paper for several minutes.

"I have it committed to memory," said the Aburame.

"I also have the map memorized," stated the Hyuga heiress.

"Good." Electricity crackled in his hands and the map burst into flame. "Use those routes to your advantage. We'll meet up at tunnel thirteen in three days."

"Hai," replied Hinata.

"Wakatta," replied Shino.

Naruto collected their Earth Scroll from Anko before the Exam began.

* * *

While Team 7 was busy dealing with Orochimaru, Naruto was rushing through the trees. He found a team from Kumo discussing plans near one of the exits to his extensive tunnel network. He quickly entered the tunnel from a different entrance and silently exited behind one of the genin. He was enshrouded by natural shadows. He used his version of the Juuken to disable the poor sap's arms before he had a chance to react. As Naruto pulled his hands away from his victim's shoulders, he attached chakra strings to them.

What the Kumonin's teammates saw was the poor boy began strangling himself.

"Hey, doesn't he have the scroll?"

"Yeah, he does. Why is he choking himself?"

_Scroll, huh?_

Naruto blatantly left his cover, making a "sneaky" tiptoeing motion to get back to his victim. He reached the boy and pulled a scroll out of the Kumonin's weapons pouch. It was the Heaven Scroll.

"So they were right," he whispered quite loudly. "He did have the scroll."

He then "snuck" away in the same manner. The two Kumonin shared a look before attempting to rush the blonde, only to have their choking teammate suddenly let go and grasp the both of them by the necks.

"I'm sorry!" he gasped. "I have no control over my arms!"

All he could do was watch as he strangled his teammates to death before his hands returned to his own neck.

* * *

One team from Kusa (Grass) unwittingly fell into one of the traps that Shino and Hinata had set up. They were carrying both scrolls.

Shino and Hinata were ecstatic about the fact that they had passed their team by themselves. They just hoped that Naruto wouldn't get too carried away in his... merrymaking.

* * *

Kiba managed to kill the snake that had tried to eat him with his Tsuuga (Piercing Fang) only to be attacked by a second one. Being already pissed, the Inuzuka boy Tsuuga'd the second serpent, sending it back to the realm of summons, rather than offing it.

He rushed back to his teammates, determined to help them. Especially Sakura-chan.

* * *

Unfortunately for a team from Ame, Naruto had found them and summoned the jackal Mojibake, a master illusionist and a proficient shapeshifter.

Mojibake, having an extremely sick sense of humor, caused Naruto to laugh and sing along to her illusion song that she had gotten the rain ninja stuck in. The genjutsu went something like this:

_You can scream; you can cry; having to fight for your life!  
See that girl; watch her scream! Stab at the SAUSAGE MEAT!_

Friday night and morale is low!  
Looking out; but no place to go!  
Where they play the right game: going on killing!  
You run from the bloody gore scene!  
Anybody could be that guy;  
His face is gone; slashed with a knife!  
With a bit of skull bashin', everything is gone!  
I'm in the mood for a bath;  
And when I get the blood...

_You are the SAUSAGE MEAT, young and sweet, only screaming EEEEEEEE!!  
SAUSAGE MEAT, feel the beat from the bludgeoning!  
You can scream; you can cry; having to fight for your life!  
See that boy; watch him scream! Stab at the SAUSAGE MEAT!_

_You're a loser; you die tonight!  
Leave you burning and then you're ash!  
Looking out for another, anyone will do!  
I'm in the mood for a bath;  
And when I get the blood..._

_You are the SAUSAGE MEAT, young and sweet, only screaming EEEEEEEE!!  
SAUSAGE MEAT, feel the beat from the bludgeoning!  
You can scream; you can cry; having to fight for your life!  
See that wimp; watch him scream! Stab at the SAUSAGE MEAT!_

And with that, the last corpse fell down, dead. Naruto cracked up.

"Thank you," Naruto managed to gasp between bouts of laughter.

"You're welcome, darlin' clown pup. Do call again!"

And with a puff of smoke, she was gone.

Naruto pilfered another Heaven Scroll from his latest victims.

* * *

Of course Anko rushed into the Forest of Death when she saw the three genin that had their faces melted off. Orochimaru's work, no doubt. She had to kill him for leaving her behind. She had to kill him for ruining her life, for making her a monster in the eyes of the villagers. She wanted revenge so badly. Too bad that Orochimaru knew how to push all of her buttons. But there was some hope. She was being followed.

She attempted to use her suicidal jutsu, Soujasousai no jutsu (Twin Snakes' Mutual Death no jutsu), on him only to have his body be replaced with a mud clone. A mud clone!

"Oh come now, Anko-chan. My own jutsu against me? You must really hate me. You wound me, right here."

Of course he said that in such a mocking tone as he pointed towards his heart. It really got Anko's blood boiling.

But then Orochimaru leapt back. Had he moved an instant later, he would have been skewered by the live marlin that was stuck in the tree branch he had been standing on. Genuinely surprised, both snake-based ninja looked towards the thrower (based on the trajectory that the squirming swordfish was stuck in its position).

They saw a woman dressed in a jester costume of a black and red and white pattern. Around her waist was a hitai-ate for Konoha. There were also kunai and weapons pouches on her thighs. On her face was a psychotic grin. In her eyes: battlelust with a hint of intelligence.

Orochimaru was confused. Who was this kunoichi? Why was she dressed much like a clown? Why did she throw a fish at him? In fact, where had she kept the fish?

"Anko, dearie, is this that O-Roachy-Man you were talking about earlier?"

"Y-yes," stuttered the snake kunoichi.

The woman smirked. She made a cross-shaped seal with her fingers. "Kagebunshin!"

There were forty-two clown women at that time. They then attacked, throwing kunai, shuriken, and live fish at the snake man. He managed to dodge all of the projectiles and dispel most of the shadow clones before he got blindsided. The original clown woman had managed to hit him in the back with a gigantic mallet that she seemed to pull from somewhere behind her back.

Orochimaru laughed as he landed. He made several hand seals, planning on using the second Curse Seal implanting jutsu that he was able to perform that month. As his neck elongated, so did his canines. Unfortunately for the cold-hearted snake, the clown made some hand seals of her own, put her right arm into the air, and pivoted on her heel.

")Caustic Barrier( no jutsu!"

Needless to say, the snake man got a mouth full of acid. That hurt like HELL! Then, Orochimaru noticed that Anko was taking cover.

")Caustic Barrier Conversion: Caustic Bomb( no jutsu!"

Second face-full of acid in as many minutes. He was going to retaliate, when the clown gave him a boot to the head, sending him towards a tree which he dissolved into.

He stuck his mutilated face out of the tree to say the following: "Don't stop the exams or else I will kill all of the genin for the next five decades."

He was gone before a number of senbon embedded themselves into the tree in the place where he was in the shape of a smiley face.

"Harley?" asked Anko.

Harley was panting. "Whew! What a workout!"

* * *

A team from Iwa were Naruto's next set of victims. Odd that they called him the "Yellow Flash Reborn" as he quickly dispatched them.

The female died via an acid pie to the face. One of the males was twisted around into a pretzel-shape. The other male was pumped full of Type 2 Smilex. He died laughing about how the "Yellow Flash" had returned for revenge in the form of a laughing fox.

Naruto liked the sound of that. "Laughing Fox" certainly had a ring to it.

The pretzel genin happened to have an Earth Scroll.

* * *

Naruto laughed once he met up with Shino and Hinata. They had passed the exam three times over. They headed for the tower.

Once they exited the tunnels as close as they could get to the tower, Naruto noticed something and threw a kunai at it. It was a giant millipede. Naruto started eating its corpse along the way to the tower in order to gain the strength of its venom. Considering that neither Shino nor Hinata had enough of the Uzumaki bloodline to be immune to the venom, they didn't eat any of it.

* * *

All things considered, Kiba knew that his team should be dead. They faced Orochimaru, the team from Oto, and still had to get another scroll. Thankfully Kabuto had helped them out. And then they survived that team from Ame due to the combined talents of Kabuto and Kiba. That was no easy walk in the park. But they barely made it and passed the exam.

* * *

"This final part of the exam will be done tournament style," stated Anko. "And I will not be the one in charge."

"Thank you my dear _serpent_," said a familiar voice with a rather sarcastic drawl. The owner of the voice entered the room. "Allow me to _introduce_ myself. I am Uzumaki Joker, known as the _illustrious_ )Mr. J( in some circles." Some of the genin, especially the ones from Oto, began to sweat. "I will be the _proctor_ for this final stretch of the exams. As expected, there are _far_ too many of you, so we will have to _eliminate_ some of you. But before we _begin_, any of you who do not feel _up_ to fighting may turn their _tails_ and leave. Any takers?"

The Hokage smacked his head. He just knew that Joker would do that, despite the fact that he had expressedly forbade him from making it seem like an honorable exit was a wimp's way out. Oh well.

Kabuto raised his hand and asked to leave. He said that his chakra was all gone (which Naruto, Joker, Hinata, Shino, and Kiba were pretty sure was a lie) and said that he wished to give up rather than be killed.

"What a _disappointment_," said Joker. "Well, we should _begin_ the elimination rounds."

* * *

End Chapter Nine.

Next Chapter: Tourney.

Author's Notes

Yes. Shino told a joke.

"Sausage Meat": a parody of ABBA's "Dancing Queen". I thought it was appropriate. Inspiration came from my fiancée and the fact that she calls kittens "little sausages".

I am just going to give you guys little snippets of information revolving around Team 7. There are vast and major differences between this and cannon. To explain myself, there are differences between alternate universes. An alternate universe (or more than one) is created every single time someone is presented with a choice. Whichever choice they chose determines how a universe continues on, but different choices spawn different universes. Who knows what impact the smallest choice, the smallest change could make? This is why I have Kiba have a crush on Sakura. Since this story isn't about them, I won't describe it in detail but in snippets. Perhaps someday I can make a side story following Kiba in this universe? I'll think about it, but it won't happen until after I finish this story.

Yes, Roachy tried to give Harley a Curse Seal. The only reason why she chased him off is because he never faced an opponent quite like her. He is still more powerful than she, she just happened to continuously have the element of surprise on her side the whole fight.

And now you all know WHY I named this fic "The Laughing Fox".

Sorry it is so short. I tried to make it longer, but events conspired against me and I got this finished only a day before my self-imposed deadline. Oh well. I'll do better next time.


	10. Test Your Might!

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Sanity is just like gravity; all it takes is a little disclaimer!

Chapter Ten: Test Your Might!

* * *

"Now, there are certain _rules_ that must be _obeyed_," began Joker. "There are _almost_ no rules. You _win_ if you incapacitate or kill your _opponent_, or if your opponent forfeits likes a _pansy_. If I determine that someone is _incapacitated_, I'll jump in and _stop_ the match, so feel _free_ to let loose! And so, without further _ado_, the first match will be _between_... wait, what?"

When the screen that would normally display who was facing who, there was a large picture displayed instead...

* * *

Earlier that morning, Naruto had sent three shadow clones of himself with a digital camera. One came back with said camera.

* * *

The picture was of Neji, wearing a biker's jacket and really tight leather pants (complete with bondage straps), holding hands with Sasuke, wearing chaps, moccasins, and a headband with a feather sticking out. The both of them seemed to be caught in the act of entering a certain building. The building had a sign out that read "The Flaming Dog", and was reputed to be a popular gay bar.

Neji, upon seeing this, had a look of total disgust on his face.

_That is NOT what I meant by Flames of Youth,_ thought Guy. _But I can't tell him how to live his life._

_Didn't I see Naruto send some clones out this morning?_ thought both Lee and Ten Ten.

Sasuke practically squealed, but upon realizing where he was, he managed: "I mean... Ew."

This caused both of his fangirls to look at him in a new light. Sakura edged a little bit closer to Kiba while Ino simply edged further away from the Uchiha.

Speaking of Kiba, who was rather homophobic, he shuddered in fear of his teammate.

_I _definitely_ didn't teach him that!_ thought Kakashi.

Kurenai and Shino recognized the picture as one of Naruto's pranks, and it was all they could do to contain their mirth. Shikamaru and Chouji were also having trouble containing their laughter. Hinata giggled at the embarrassment that her cousin was receiving. Naruto didn't bother holding in his laughter once he saw everyone's reactions.

The team from Oto was oddly silent, though their sensei was grinning from ear to ear. The two teammates of Kabuto were rather stoic, though anyone with a critical eye could see that they shuddered ever so slightly with revulsion.

The sand siblings had their own reactions: Kankuro and Temari laughed and Gaara snorted. But with disgust or mirth no one knew, nor did they dare ask. Baki, their sensei, merely shook his head.

The Hokage took one look at the screen and said something that made Joker, Ibiki, and Anko laugh: "Kids these days."

"Alright, we've _had_ our fun!" began the Joker. "_Fix_ the screen!"

The screen shut off, then powered on again displaying "Akado Yoroi vs. Aburame Shino".

"Alright. The _rest_ of you should go up on those railings to _wait_ your turns."

Shino stood at one side of the arena and Yoroi stood at the other.

"You're of the Aburame, correct?"

"Yeah."

"You and your chakra-leeching bugs have nothing against me, really. I absorb chakra. Any you send at me will be killed in seconds!"

"I agree. But they won't be the only ones dead."

"Boys," began Joker. "Sorry to _interrupt_, but your match starts now. Begin!"

Yoroi charged quickly, but he was blocked by a wall of bugs. True to what he said before, the bugs dropped like flies (pun intended) when they came in contact with him.

"You're going to lose your entire hive!" stated Yoroi.

"No," replied Shino. "Just a third."

The bugs around Yoroi began to glow.

"What the-"

"Hotarubaku no jutsu!" All of the bugs surrounding Yoroi exploded, ripping his body to shreds and killing him. His skull flew through the air and Joker caught it.

"Hey, Yoroi? Are you _able_ to fight?" the clown asked the skull. Using his thumb, he made the skull move its mouth. "**No.** No? Ah, well that makes the _winner_ be Aburame Shino." Joker then crushed the skull with his bare hands. "NEXT!"

* * *

"Kinuta Dosu vs. Ten Ten," read the scoreboard.

Ten Ten started off by throwing various weapons at Dosu, but the Otonin dodged every single one while making his way closer and closer to the girl. She tried to back up while throwing things at him, but he was faster.

Normally, she would have been able to skewer the boy thirty times over, but she unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view) didn't grow up in a Hidden Village run by a madman obsessed with strength. Dosu was faster than Ten Ten and had little trouble in dodging her projectiles.

She managed to barely dodge Dosu's punch, but the sound waves coming off of his arm caused the girl to throw up. She forfeited at that point.

"NEXT!"

* * *

Abumi Zaku vs. Temari

Zaku was worried. And that was an understatement. He knew that Temari was a Wind Mistress from the sand. That rank was only given to their best wind users! Hence why the country was called Wind Country! Also, Zaku was injured pretty badly - both of his arms had been dislocated by the Uchiha. He didn't see any way for him to win.

"Begin!" said Joker.

"I forfeit!" replied Zaku.

"Wuss!" countered the clown.

"Why?" asked Temari.

"Because I'm injured and when it comes down to it, my wind jutsu will be inferior to yours."

Orochimaru, who was disguised as the Oto genins' instructor, decided Zaku would die rather painfully.

"How _boring_. NEXT!"

* * *

Nara Shikamaru vs. Tsurugi Misumi

"If my jutsu gets a hold of you, you are finished!" declared Misumi.

"Ironic. My jutsu works the same way," responded Shikamaru.

"Enough banter! Begin!"

Faster than the lazy boy could react, Shikamaru found himself encircled by Misumi.

"See?" began the ninja wearing sunglasses. "My body has been modified so that I can stretch myself out and capture opponents or fit into any space! Give up or I break your neck!"

"Troublesome," commented the lazy boy.

Suddenly, Misumi let go and stood in the exact same stance as Shikamaru.

"What the hell!?"

"Seems my jutsu overrides yours. My Kagemane no jutsu will force you to do everything I am. And I can tell that you don't have enough chakra to resist my jutsu." (Shadow Possession no jutsu)

Shikamaru turned around. So did Misumi. Shikamaru walked towards the wall. So did Misumi. Shikamaru mimed banging his head on the wall. So did Misumi... sort of. Misumi actually banged his head against the wall so hard that both wall and skull cracked. Shikamaru released the unconscious Misumi.

"Winner! The Nara kid! NEXT!"

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke vs. Yamanaka Ino

"Give up," muttered Sasuke to the blonde.

Ino wasn't stupid. She knew that Sasuke was much faster than her, making her clan jutsu rather useless. He was more apt in taijutsu than her. His weapon skills were much better than hers. Her only resort was genjutsu, which she had no skill in just yet.

"Begin!"

"Uzumaki-san?"

"What is it?" The clown was curious as to what the blonde was going to ask for.

"I would like to forfeit. I stand no chance against Sasuke right now."

Joker cocked his head. His immediate impulse would be to hurl insults at her, but she was right. She was out-classed. So, instead of insult her directly, he decided to insult her by means of stating facts.

"Very well. Next time, don't _bother_ to enter the exams unless you have a _decent_ skill set with a good _amount_ of power. NEXT!"

As Ino left the ring for the railing, Kakashi took Sasuke to a containment room to seal up his Cursed Seal (acquired from Orochimaru's attack). Orochimaru followed just to mess with Kakashi's head.

* * *

Akimichi Chouji vs. Tsuchi Kin

Kin threw a pair of senbon at Chouji, but the larger boy simply dodged. He heard the bells attached to the two senbon jingle. Thinking it was a way for her to make him confused about whether to dodge or not, he prepared himself, only to hear the bells again - there were strings running from the bells to Kin's hand. He realized that it was a genjutsu trap based on the bells, so he decided to do his own thing. Rather than just use his Nikudan Sensha (Human Meat Tank) jutsu, he opted instead for a ranged attack his father taught him.

"Fuuton: Daigeppu no jutsu!" (Wind Release: Big Belch no jutsu)

Chouji belched out a ball of compressed air straight at Kin. She barely managed to dodge only for her to be hit with a palm burst from the large boy, knocking her out. Oh, and the Daigeppu caused a crater in the wall from the impact.

Kakashi returned just in time to witness the end of the match.

Joker laughed at the loud and boisterous jutsu for a little bit. Then he said, "NEXT!"

* * *

Gaara vs. Rock Lee

(Author's Note: Do I **really** need to go over the fight?)

After Lee finally lost to Gaara, Naruto was a little disappointed. Lee, someone else who was getting over a prejudice against him (in this case, a prejudice related to his handicap), nearly beat the Jinchuuriki for the Ichibi (One Tail) but instead had lost. But the fight had given Naruto some ideas on how to beat Gaara.

"Most _interesting_. There seems to be potential in _some_ of you slackers... NEXT!"

* * *

Kankuro vs. Haruno Sakura

"Now we'll get to finish our business from earlier," stated the kabuki enthusiast.

Sakura swallowed nervously. She was worried what her opponent could do. Certainly, from all those times she and Kiba had trained together she was fairly strong, but she lacked a great deal of skill and power because Kiba wasn't all that great of a teacher. His older sister, Hana, was better, but she was usually away on missions anyway.

Now she wished that she had trained more instead of pining after Sasuke, especially since the Uchiha brat's claim of wanting to renew his clan seemed to be nothing more than a lie.

But she was determined to at least give a show so that Joker wouldn't have as much of an excuse to insult her outright.

She pulled a scroll out of her weapons pouch as Kankuro removed his rather large bundle from his back.

"Begin!"

As Kankuro quickly pulled the bandaging off of his parcel, Sakura bit her thumb and slid her thumb over the scroll, summoning a pair of neko-te, or cat's claws, which she quickly put on her hands.

Kankuro's bundle was revealed to be a puppet, which he sent after Sakura, whom tried to go around it and go for Kankuro. But the puppet was too fast and it head butted her, sending her reeling. Just before Kankuro could finish off Sakura, he found a kunai to his throat.

Joker smiled. "Well, I do think she's _rather_ incapacitated. You win, she loses. Call your _doll_ off."

Kankuro grumbled about it being a puppet while ignoring Naruto's catcalls about how the kabuki enthusiast was destined to be a child stalker when he grew up. Still, the cosmetic-covered ninja recalled his puppet and Joker removed the kunai.

"NEXT!"

* * *

Hyuga Neji vs. Hyuga Hinata

"You are destined to lose," Neji declared.

"I'm not as weak as you remember, Neji-niisan," replied Hinata.

"What is with _all_ the talking!? Begin already!"

"I can perceive your failure. You are... not as without confidence as you used to be?"

Hinata replied by pulling a scroll out.

"What are you going to do? Even with your confidence, you won't be able to beat me. I am much stronger than you."

She unrolled the scroll, bit her thumb, and slid it across the length of the parchment. Four puppet-like devices came out. Most foreigners there were amazed that Konoha had puppet users as well, but only a handful knew what the "puppets" actually were. Still, Kankuro gained a healthy respect for the girl, able to conduct four "puppets" at once.

"Puppets won't save you, my dear cousin. Give up!"

"Neji-niisan, shut the hell up!"

At first, Neji was shocked by Hinata's attitude and her use of a curse word, but he quickly got over it and began to charge.

Hinata used chakra strings to activate all four of the automations which identified Neji as their target and attacked him. Knowing that his Juuken would be ineffective against the "puppets", he used a kunai to block various bladed weaponry and dodged like mad. Hinata was impressed with his speed, but she augmented the robots' movements with her chakra strings.

Neji accidentally got his kunai stuck in the face of one of the "puppets", which surprisingly caused the head to explode and it to fall over. Hinata muttered something about bad luck and turned the other three off. She then charged at Neji.

Everyone who thought she was using puppets was startled by the explosion of one of them. Perhaps they weren't puppets after all?

Neji felt like he was in his element now that the "puppets" were inactive and they had moved on to taijutsu. Hinata wasn't using the clan's style, but a bastardized version of it, and Neji was confident that he would win. He disabled her tenketsu (chakra points) in her left arm to show her how ineffectual her style was when she stabbed his arm with her finger, and it went through to the bone and cracked it.

"Though I still use the Juuken, Neji-niisan, I also use chakra scalpels. You may have disabled one of my arms, but I disabled one of yours. While you have concentrated on the clan style, I have branched out into puppetry and medical skills. Like I said, I am stronger than you think I am."

In response, Neji took the opportunity to strike her with a Juuken to the stomach, causing Hinata to stumble back.

"You may be stronger, but the weak are always weak. You can't change your destiny, Hinata-sama. Your fate was decided when you chose to fight me. You suffer because you struggle. You-"

"Baka. You're the one who suffers because you were born into the Branch House, and you can't change that, can you?"

Neji was pissed, but before he could resume the attack, one of the automations grabbed onto him with its four arms, restricting his movement.

"Did you think I turned them off for no reason? I did it so that you would think I gave up using them, which will prove to be-" She would have continued, if it weren't for the fact that she began vomiting blood. The chakra string that she was using to keep the automation active dissipated, allowing Neji to get free. In his rage, he rushed forward and tried to deliver another Juuken to Hinata, this time to her head.

Luckily, he was stopped by several Jounin (Guy, Kurenai, Kakashi, and Joker) and was eyeballing Jason, Joker's magnum revolver.

"Alright already. _Stupid_ Hyuga blood feud. You've already won, so go _sit_ down before I put a _smile_ on your face!" threatened the Joker.

Hinata continued to vomit up blood, so the medic team quickly retrieved her. Naruto leapt down to see her before they took her away.

"Hey," greeted the blonde.

"I'm sorry, Naruto-kun," she managed to gasp out while on her stretcher.

"No no. Shush shush. Not your fault, but I'll beat the stuffing out of him. He-Who-Is-Dumber-Than-A-Sack-Of-Hair will fall. I promise you that!"

Hinata blushed a little, imagining Naruto fighting for her.

Before she was carted away, Naruto kissed her. It was a short kiss, more of a peck really, but to Hinata it lasted an eternity.

Once he could no longer see her, Naruto turned and smiled maniacally at Neji.

"What are you smiling at?"

"How funny you are going to look once I cram your head so far in between your shoulders that you'll have to unbutton your jacket to eat..."

"You're welcome to try," retorted Neji.

"Naruto. _Son_. Your promise is _going_ to have to wait. You and Kiba are up _next_."

* * *

Inuzuka Kiba vs. Uzumaki Naruto

"Akamaru," Kiba said after landing down in the fighting area. "I want to see how far I measure up by myself first. Okay?"

The small dog barked and wagged his tail, then ran over to the side.

"Begin!"

"I know you're pissed off about Hinata and all," began Kiba. "But I want the chuunin rank!"

Naruto smirked. He pulled a scroll out of his jacket, bit his thumb, and touched one of the seals on it, producing a boombox. He threw the electronic device to his father. Curious, Joker set it down and pushed play. Some music began to play, but only Naruto and his father knew what song it was.

"Hee hee hyai hee..." laughed the older clown while Naruto took his leg weights off.

Temari thought, _Him too? How many of these Konohanin use that method of training?_ But then she saw that he simply set them down. _Huh? Maybe his weights aren't as heavy..._

"People talking in movie shows," sang the blonde boy while pointing at Ino whose eyes narrowed.  
"People smoking in bed!" Naruto pointed at Sarutobi Asuma, who blushed but nodded.  
"People using the bloody sand," It was Gaara's turn to be pointed at.  
"Give them a boot to the head!" sang Joker as Naruto's foot met Kiba's head.

"Boot to the Head! HA HA..." continued the older clown, while his son continued to introduce Kiba's cranium to his footwear.  
"Boot to the Head! HA HA...  
"Boot to the Head! HA HA...  
"Boot to the Head! HA HA HA.. HA... HA HA HA!"

Kiba looked punch drunk, but he got up and charged at Naruto, who dodged while the music continued.

"Prudes who can't laugh worth a giggle," Naruto sang while pointing at Neji who pretended to ignore what was happening.  
"Politicians who can't think!" The blonde pointed at the Sandaime Hokage who grinned at the Uzumakis' sense of humor.  
"The dogman who won't leave me alone," he sang while looking right at the attacking form of Kiba.  
"The loser who forgets to think!" This time he pointed at Kakashi who did one of his Cyclopean eye smiles. He assumed that Naruto was kidding around.

"Boot to the head! HA HA..." Joker continued while Naruto returned Kiba's attacks.  
"Boot to the head! HA HA...  
"Boot to the head! HA HA..."

"BOOT TO THE HEAD!!" sang almost all of the people in the room, including Gaara. Odd.

Kiba lay on the ground, seemingly unconscious, so Naruto put his weights back on. Joker was going to announce his son as the winner, when Kiba sat up and ate a soldier pill, giving him a great deal of energy and numbing the pain from all the cranial trauma he had just experienced. Naruto was about to attack again, when his father gripped his shoulder.

"Now _now_, you should let him _set_ himself up. He let _you_ do the same at the _beginning_. Oh, and you're not _allowed_ to take your weights off _during_ the rest of this _match_."

Frowning, Naruto relented and allowed Kiba to get up.

"Akamaru, let's see if we can't win together!" His dog barked and ran over to him.

"Two against one, eh?" asked Naruto. He then did several hand seals. "Kuchiyose no jutsu!"

Cackling laughter filled the room.

"Shinji, I welcome you with open arms!"

"Well met, my favorite clown!"

Finally, the smoke from the summoning died down to reveal Naruto standing next to a jackal in armor.

Naruto put a hand on Shinji's shoulder and said, "Mine's bigger."

Kiba's eyes widened, and then he fed Akamaru a soldier pill. The little white dog turned red.

"Shikyaku no jutsu!" (Four Legs no jutsu)

Kiba's canines became elongated, his nails lengthened into claws, and he hunched over. His entire presence seemed more wolf-like.

"Juujin Bunshin!" (Beast Human Clone)

Akamaru turned into a replica of Kiba.

"You won't be able to beat me now!" bluffed Kiba.

"Shinji, shall we?"

"With vigor!"

The four combatants leapt at each other.

"Gatsuuga!" (Double Piercing Fang)

"Yoroibunshin no jutsu!"

"Kagebunshin no jutsu!"

After a few intense minutes, Akamaru was unconscious while Naruto looked winded. Kiba was a wreck while Shinji had a fair amount of dents in his armor.

"Hey, (gasp) Naruto?"

"What (pant) do you (pant) want?"

"I (gasp) wish you (wheeze) luck in the (gasp) finals!" the dog user said before passing out.

"Winner: Naruto! And despite all those _handicaps_ I put on him, too! Well, _that_ seems to be _everyone_. The Old Man Hokage has _something_ to say to you all."

* * *

Naruto listened rather intently as the rules for the finals, which would take place in a month, were explained. All of them, or none of them, or any number of them could become Chuunin. Winning their matches, tournament style, would allow them to show off more. Also, the daimyo of the various countries (as well as other bigot nobles) would be arriving to view the matches and assess who would be the strongest ninja. The country that is seen as having the strongest ninja would get the most missions/customers going to it. That was really the whole point of the Chuunin Exams; it really was a miniaturized version of a war where there were only a small number of casualties.

A month was being given so that the Chuunin-hopefuls could train and learn about their opponents. Also, the one month period was to allow all of the nobles to arrive in time to view the finals.

Finally, they drew lots:

Match One:  
Hyuga Neji vs. Uzumaki Naruto

Match Two:  
Aburame Shino vs. Temari

Match Three:  
Gaara vs. Uchiha Sasuke

Match Four:  
Kinuta Dosu vs. Nara Shikamaru

Match Five:  
Kankuro vs. Akimichi Chouji

* * *

Later, some idiot villager complained to the Hokage that all three examiners were related in some way to Uzumaki Naruto.

"And who else do you think would be able to control him!?" Sarutobi asked while sending an insane amount of killer intent that caused the villager to pass out.

Seriously, there must be an information leak somewhere that was allowing the villagers to gossip about the workings of the Chuunin exam. _The villagers are all baka!! Those who have a hatred towards Konoha's own Jinchuuriki will likely do whatever is possible to keep Naruto from doing well. They'll even stop his advancement to Chuunin if they can help it!_

* * *

End Chapter Ten.

Next Chapter: Catching frogs... and threatening to use an old man as a training dummy!

Author's Notes

I have finally seen "The Dark Knight", which is why the disclaimer is a Ledger quote. As those of you who have seen my profile lately have read, I do like the Heath Ledger Joker, but I prefer the Mark Hamill Joker more.

Idea for the gay bar picture scene came from **shinji**** the good sharer**, a favorite author of mine. Check out his stuff over in his forums - some of it is truly ingenious such as his Harry Potter and Riddick crossover. Another good one is his story, "Sharingan Harry". Go read it or I'll Caustic Fist you into oblivion!

You know, I really didn't have to change up any of the matches in this story, but I did anyway. Be grateful, you cretins! ;) Some of the matches though, I kept the same.

Yeah... Shino vs. Yoroi... I figured that Shino wouldn't give the other guy any mercy, especially since his personality has changed significantly due to the influence of the Uzumaki family.

Chouji **_is_** pretty smart. You don't hang around Shikamaru all the time and not learn a thing or two.

Also, the Akimichi clan seems to revolve their jutsu around eating and size. Why not a belch? Oh, and I don't know if I translated Daigeppu properly. If someone gets a better idea for it, I'll fix it.

Seriously, do I need to go over the Gaara vs. Lee fight if it's not all that different from canonical?

Sakura is more competent than canonical, but still no match for anyone, much less Kankuro. And Joker saved her because he was required to. She'll be much stronger later though.

Two running gags for the price of one!

Oh, and one last little shout-out for **LA Knight**'s story, "Five Queens and a Joker". A fanfic of the new movie continuity (meaning that it is the Ledger Joker). Though it is a romance (which I usually don't like to read), I've been prereading it somewhat to help her write it. In any case, I find it to be well-written and quite funny when the Joker is onscreen, which is almost all the time.  
So go read it!  
What are you doing still reading this!?  
Go read her story!  
Go on. You know you want to. :)  
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

...  
Please just go read it!  
If you do, I'll give you a cookie!


	11. Of Heroes and Perverts

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Sense. This disclaimer makes none.

Chapter Eleven: Of Heroes and Perverts

* * *

There was a certain white-haired ninja who had heard a great deal about his student's son. Something about psychopaths or some other such. Jiraiya had taken it upon himself to find out if the seal had weakened.

He was impressed by the various traps around the Uzumaki Estate. Step on the grass and the little statues try to kill you. Then there was the ridiculous number of tiger traps, net launchers, senbon and kunai launchers, and snares all over the lawn. In fact, the only safe place seemed to be the path leading up to the front door.

Jiraiya learned the hard way to not step on the pink stone. Especially since the shock caused him to fall onto the grass, incurring the wrath of several of the ugly little statues with pointy hats.

The Gama-sennin knew it was going to be a looooong day.

* * *

In another universe, a group of heroes prepared for a journey to bring a criminal to justice. They had finally managed to calculate where their clownish perpetrators ended up.

Superman, using what he knew of Kryptonian technology and enlisting the aid of a few of the most technologically adept superheroes, as well as the advice of Dr. Fate and the Atom, had rebuilt the Interdimensional Gate. Unfortunately, they could only carry six people through it at any time. Four would have to go in and retrieve the Joker and Harley Quinn. Batman was an obvious choice, and Nightwing (Dick Grayson) accepted Bruce's invitation to come along - they both knew the Joker better than anyone else. The Green Lantern (John Stewart) joined them to add the power of his ring to capturing the clown duo. Finally, J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter, volunteered for the dual-purpose of recon and to activate the return beacon upon completion of their mission.

When the Gate opened, the shimmering, watery surface displayed what appeared to be a parody of Mt. Rushmore. J'onn, John, Dick, and Bruce stepped through the portal into a brand-new world...

Well, new to them, at the very least.

* * *

Jiraiya was frustrated, but also afraid. The woman's glare was very frightening when she had caught him peeking on her dressing into a skin-tight, red and black bodysuit. She was dragging him by the foot down into the basement after having hit him pretty hard on the head with a humongous hammer. Or was it a mallet? Didn't matter anyway - she had slapped a chakra-suppressant seal (interesting that she had one) onto his chin and tied him up with ninja wire.

She was muttering something in a language he hadn't heard much of before (it did remind him of what Guy and Lee sometimes shouted to the heavens) but from the tone it promised a great deal of torment followed by a slow and painful death. No, not pleasant mutterings at all.

"Joker," she said, once they completed their trek into the basement. "Honey. Look what I found in our house."

While the man, who looked like he was wearing some sort of face paint that, from what Jiraiya could tell, was actually his natural complexion, turned around the Toad Hermit took a glance around the room. The room was fairly large with various torture implements and various lab equipment filling the space - it looked sort of like Orochimaru's secret labs, but the snakeman's labs looked like children's chemistry sets in comparison to this place. To one side there was a large walk-in freezer with the door sitting wide open. Sounds of physical exertion and a kunai impacting frozen flesh were coming out of the freezer. Peculiar.

"So," the man identified as Joker drawled out in a bored tone. "What is _this_ that the cat _dragged_ in?"

"A peeping tom, actually," said the woman.

Joker's supposed perma-smile disappeared and was replaced by a mask of rage. His killing intent boiled to the surface in an instant. But then his frown disappeared to be replaced by the creepiest smile Jiraiya had ever seen - it would cause any demon to go green with envy. But with the grin came the most intense spike of killer intent Jiraiya had felt since the Kyubi had been sealed.

_Joker pulled a spoon out of a drawer and scooped Jiraiya's eyes out and replaced them with gumballs. He attached some sort of chakra strings to them and to Jiraiya's ears, somehow allowing him to see. Then, smiling gleefully, the clown began to flay the skin off of the screaming old man, layer by agonizing layer until only a ricepaper-thin layer remained. After that, he attached an explosive tag to the pervert's genitals and detonated it. Next, the clown grabbed a beaker of some green fluid and began to apply it drop by agonizing drop to what was left of the pervert's skin. Finally, Joker grabbed an anvil and dropped it on Jiraiya's chest. The whole time, the woman simply ate a bucket of popcorn, lightly buttered, no salt._

The old perverted hermit blinked. That was one of the most intense hallucinations he had ever experienced due to killer intent.

"I _think_ I have something _special_ planned for him," said the clown, his eyes narrowing while his grin grew wider yet.

"Hey!" called a voice from the freezer. "Don't start the party without me!"

Jiraiya was stunned out of his fearful shivers when he caught sight of the blonde boy with blue eyes who came walking out of the freezer, cheerful (if creepy) smile splitting his face. Naturally, Jiraiya blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"Minato?"

With that one word, Joker's and Harley's killer intents stopped dead. Their faces were both studies on confusion and curiosity.

Of course, the boy's face of utter and complete confusion was priceless.

Jiraiya would've laughed had he not been so confused himself.

* * *

They knew they were being watched. The denizens of this universe seemed to be quite paranoid if they were watching the four of them as soon as they arrived.

Bruce recognized from the writing on various signs for shops that they were in a place that probably spoke Japanese. J'onn picked up on this and sent the information to John and Dick.

Bruce realized that they needed to ditch their tails and told J'onn what the plan was telepathically.

Both squads of ANBU were confused when the four newcomers vanished from sight. No chakra signatures had gone off, so the eight ANBU simply brought their hands up and whispered "kai".

Nothing happened for several minutes.

One of the squads left two of its members behind to watch the spot where the intruders disappeared. The other six ANBU split up to look for the four weirdos.

* * *

Jiraiya had been untied and brought to the parlor of the building, back on the first floor. Harley had served tea which the old pervert checked for poison. There was none in it. But Joker pulled out a bottle of arsenic from his jacket and poured a little into his cup. And then into Harley's cup. And Naruto's.

"Wha-?"

"Hmm?" Joker looked at the white-haired man quizzically before understanding dawned on him. "Oh, _right_. You don't _know_. The _three_ of us have a kekkei genkai that _makes_ our chakra both poisonous _and_ acidic. We can ingest _any_ poison or acid and it merely _adds_ to our power."

"What? But you're not biologically related as far as I know."

"We don't need to be," commented Harley. "It can actually be transferred to other people merely by spending a great deal of time with any one of us. Naruto's teammates, minus their Jounin sensei, are prime examples of this - they are beginning to develop the bloodline."

"Oh."

Naruto's patience waned. "Why did you call me Minato? Is that my real name?"

"No. I called you Minato because you look almost exactly like your biological father: Namikaze Minato."

"Well, that's new," commented Naruto. "Wait. Namikaze? You mean the Yondaime?"

"The same."

"So _that's_ why those idiots in the Forest of Death were calling me 'the Yellow Flash Reborn'!"

"Some genins called you that, eh? Well, the Yellow Flash, your birth father, is famous for killing over two-thousand Iwanins and Kumonins in a single day by slitting their throats."

"I like him _already_," Joker said gleefully. "He _use_ some sort of speed _jutsu_?"

"Famous for it, actually. He developed the Hiraishin no jutsu." (Flying Thunder God no jutsu)

"How did it work?" asked Harley.

Jiraiya could tell that he had the undivided attention of all three of them. "I honestly don't know. I simply know what it did. He'd send a bunch of special kunai all over the battlefield. Each one had a series of seals on it. Then he'd use the jutsu and it would seem to teleport him to the locations of each of the kunai. Whether or not he actually teleported... no one knows. The secret of that jutsu died with him."

"At the same time he sealed the demon fox within me, eh?"

"Er, yes. You don't... resent him for it?"

"Naw. He did it for the good of the village. Not that they deserved it. Well... I suppose that some of them did."

"So," began Jiraiya. "What happened three days after Naruto was born? He disappeared from the room he was being kept in."

Joker explained what had happened in his own words.

Jiraiya could tell that he was telling the truth about being from another world, but the rest was difficult to tell. Who knew that Joker's face would be the perfect poker face despite it almost constantly changing?

"Do you think this bat person would be able to follow you to our world?"

"Not _likely_, but I wouldn't be _surprised_ if he managed to _stalk_ me here."

* * *

")Seems that most of the people here happen to be ninja,(" commented Bruce once they were safely hidden in a copse of trees near what appeared to be a training ground. ")We need to be extra careful to avoid detection.("

")I've been scanning these ninja with my powers,(" said J'onn. ")Seems that even the weakest among them have superpowers. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them could spit fire.("

")Hey!(" warned John. ")There's a couple of those ninja down there! We need to keep quiet and keep our energy down!("

* * *

The striking of the tenth hour of the morning saw a shock of blonde hair walking next to a mass of white hair on one of the various training grounds of Konoha.

"So, what would you be able to teach me?" asked Naruto.

"How about how to summon?"

"We already have signed a powerful summon contract," replied the blonde. "My adoptive parents and I."

"Powerful, eh? Can you summon the boss summon?"

"Not yet, but the second-in-command is powerful in his own right."

"I'd like to test him out if you don't mind."

"Hmm... I don't mind, and the Bird of Hermes loves to fight. Ready?"

Jiraiya jumped some distance away, impressing the four intruders. "Ready!"

"Kuchiyose no jutsu!"

"**The Bird of Hermes is our name,**" began Pluto, the left head. His voice startled Jiraiya and the four observers being that it sounded dead and empty, like lead bricks being dropped on granite slabs.

"**Eating our wings to make us tame,**" finished Vulcan. Jiraiya wasn't as startled by the right head's loud and guttural voice. It reminded him of the sound a kiln makes when it is about to explode. On the other hand the four observers were stunned. How could a boy not only be capable of summoning such a monstrosity but also be willing to do so?

"Nutritious and delicious! They tasted just like chicken!" exclaimed the blonde with mirth. The two-headed hyena laughed at this.

"**So,**" began Vulcan. "**What does the clown pup want today?**"

Batman caught onto the word "clown" in that question by the simple fact that he knew Japanese.

"I want you guys to fight this guy's boss summon."

"**Boss summon?**" mused Pluto. "**We'll do it, but be sure to summon Cerberus the next time you want to go up against a summon or other beast of such high status. She'll forgive you this time, but her temper is even more legendary than Vulcan's.**"

"**I heard that!**"

"**Naturally.** **It sort of helps that your head is attached to the same body as mine.**"

"Guys! Shut up! Let's just wait for Jiraiya to summon his boss summon."

"Actually Naruto, I have a few questions before I do."

"Shoot."

"The legendary hyena and jackal contract... that was hidden in Iwa, wasn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Do you realize that since you were from Konoha and had blonde hair that you probably could have been killed?"

"On eight different occasions on the trip. Why?"

Jiraiya blinked. "Never mind. Kuchiyose no jutsu!"

The four members of the Justice League were surprised at the sheer size of the toad summoned.

"**Jiraiya!** **How dare you summon me!?"**

"Sorry Gamabunta. But this upstart summon wants to fight you!"

"**I... see,**" replied the toad.

"**Wait... 'upstart'? I OUGHT TO BURN YOU TO A CRISP, LITTLE MAN!**"

"**I agree. We are quite well-established as the second in command of the Hyena half of the contract. We should be more than enough to beat the daylights out of this mere toad, despite the fact that he is larger than we.**"

"**I don't like your condescending tone. I'm going to have a hyena-skin rug to put in my parlor when this is over.**"

Gamabunta drew his sword only to have to leap out of the way as a fireball scorched the earth where he had only previously been standing.

"**Honehoko!**" (Bone Lance)

A lance with a very large blade made entirely out of bone came shooting out of Pluto's throat. Vulcan caught it with his mouth and swung it upwards to block Gamabunta's katana. While the giant toad leapt back for more fighting room, Pluto opened his mouth again and tendrils of a black substance darker than eternity reached out and grabbed the lance allowing Vulcan to release his grip on the shaft. Vulcan then opened his mouth wide.

"**Kaikamuchi no jutsu!**" (Mysterious Fire Whip no jutsu)

An orange and red stream of flame snaked its way out of Vulcan's mouth and nearly struck Gamabunta had the toad not leapt out of the way.

"**Suiton: Teppoudama!**" (Water Release: Gunshot)

Gamabunta fired a blast of compressed water at the Bird of Hermes, but the two-headed hyena leapt out of the way. Vulcan retracted the whip made of fire to avoid letting it be put out - much like slurping a soba noodle. Then the hyena and the toad leapt at each other, Gamabunta bringing the katana forward to attack and Pluto bringing the bone lance to bear. With the resounding sounds of metal and bone colliding for a few seconds came the inevitable conclusion made by the various watchers: the toad and hyena were evenly matched. Except Naruto knew better.

Gamabunta was pissed. He was the BOSS and this simple second-in-command was going toe-to-toe with him!

But then Vulcan opened his mouth again, allowing the whip to escape. Gamabunta was unable to get out of the way and the fire seared a phrase on his belly: "Five ryou! Five ryou! Me love you long time!" The toad boss looked down to assess the damage.

Gamabunta was speechless. Sure, he'd be able to get rid of the phrase if he allowed one of the other toads to heal his burns, but the sheer audacity of the opponent to write graffiti on his stomach appalled him.

If he hadn't been so distracted, he probably would have been able to get out of the way of Pluto's next strike, but as it was he was only able to move just enough to make it so that the lance hand merely cut to the bone on his leg rather than stab him in a certain sensitive area.

Realizing that his mobility had just been nullified, he unsummoned himself, disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

Vulcan swallowed his whip while Pluto swallowed the inky black tendrils and the Honehoko.

"**That was so fun I've forgotten the insult the little man made about us,**" said Vulcan.

"**Worth the effort, I'd say. Too bad the toad didn't put up as much of a fight as that Zabuza character did.**"

"**You're telling me,**" Vulcan said, revealing the scar left from the previous fight by lifting his head. It still looked rather nasty and it showed how extensive the damage to his neck had been.

Pluto turned his head to Naruto. "**Do you need anything else?**"

"Nope. And that was pretty fun to watch! Especially the 'five ryou' thing!"

Vulcan chuckled. "**We thought you'd like that!**"

"**Well, until we meet again!**"

With that, the two-headed hyena disappeared.

The four members of the Justice League were dumbfounded. Monsters able to do those sorts of things allowing themselves to be subject to an old man and a little boy? That was just plain wrong!

"So, Ero-sennin, do you now understand how powerful my own summons are?"

J'onn was confused. _So the old man's name is Erosennin Jiraiya? The customs on this planet are really weird._

"Wow," was the old man's response. Obviously his brain was still trying to reboot.

"Hey! What can you teach me!? If you don't teach me, I'll bring you back to my parents' home so that they can devise a fitting punishment for peeking on my mom! Or did you forget that part of the bargain?"

Jolted to reality, Jiraiya began to panic. Then he said the first jutsu that came to mind: "Rasengan! I'll teach you the Rasengan!!" (Spiraling Sphere)

Naruto grinned. "Do tell! What's it do?"

* * *

After vacating the area where the blonde and the old man were talking about training, the four members of the Justice League stopped to consider a few things.

")You know,(" commented Dick. ")If Joker had somehow learned how to do the things the people can do here, capturing him would be near impossible. And let us not forget that he's been here for the past six years.("

")Six years, seven months, and thirteen days,(" Bruce corrected. ")Also, I think that blonde kid might have some connection to the Joker. The two-headed hyena mentioned something about a clown before the fight. And the fact that it was a hyena seems to fit somewhat.("

")I'd feel better if we found out who the local authorities are,(" said John. ")And asked them to help us find the Joker and Harley Quinn.("

")The ninja _are_ the local authorities,(" stated J'onn. ")But I think I've located our quarry. Well, one of them, at the very least.("

")Which one?(" asked Bruce.

* * *

Harley had sent him out to do the grocery shopping. He didn't like to go grocery shopping, but at least he got a hefty discount simply for being the infamous )Mr. J( - he did love that he made all the shopkeepers nervous (except for Ichiraku Teuchi, but that man still gave his family a huge discount for being his favorite customers). He brought Bonnie and Clyde along with him.

He was just heading back from the shopping district when four rather familiar costumes appeared on all sides. A quick glance allowed him to see that the hyenas were under a dome made by the Green Lantern.

")Joker, we have come to arrest you and take you back to Arkham,(" Batman said.

")No can _do_,(" stated Joker. He pointed at his forehead protector with his thumb. ")I'm a _citizen_ of Konoha now, and a _ninja_ to boot! Try to _capture_ me and you'll have the _entire_ ninja population _jumping_ down your throats! _Observe_!( ANBU! I _could_ use some _help_ here!"

An ANBU squad appeared in a swirl of leaves and wind, flanking Joker protectively. Batman and Nightwing had pulled out batarangs and other weaponry out of their utility belts. Seeing this, two of the ANBU prepared kunai and shuriken.

Quickly figuring that the mission was going to pieces, J'onn tried to reason with the ninja after extracting information about the Japanese language and culture from Batman's head.

"Please!" began the Martian. "We don't wish to fight you! The Joker is simply a criminal from our homeworld. We have come to arrest him yet again."

One of the ANBU responded by going through a few handseals.

Joker chuckled a bit. ")Don't you _get_ it you green _freak_? I'm a _ninja_! One of their _better_ ones too! And my _friends_ here would never extradite _me_! Besides, the _four_ of you are the _bad_ guys for trying to _capture_ a fellow ninja and _learn_ his secrets - _secrets_ that could be _vital_ to Konoha's defense! I _love_ the irony!("

The ANBU, thankful for Joker's distraction, finished his jutsu. "Raiton: Kyuuden!" (Lightning Release: Ball Lightning)

The ANBU placed his hands in front of him as if holding a ball. With a sudden flash and an explosion of sound, a literal ball made from orange and blue lightning appeared in his hands, pulsing erratically.

"Iru!" ("Fire" or "shoot" or "attack)

The Kyuuden suddenly shot out of the ANBU's hands straight towards the Martian. He dodged it by soaring upwards, but then the ANBU brought his hands up and the ball of electricity abruptly stopped and then sped towards J'onn's location. The Green Lantern, upon seeing this, released the hyenas in favor of creating a shield to protect his alien friend. The Kyuuden exploded against the barrier. It was powerful!

Before John could react, a number of roots and branches began to encase his body, restricting his movement.

"Oh? I _didn't_ know you were _here_, Yamato."

"My squad's been assigned to constantly tail you in case you ever snap."

"Ah. That'd be _why_ then. I _give_ the old man _points_ for being _paranoid_."

Meanwhile, Batman and Nightwing found themselves hard-pressed to keep up with the two ANBU whom they fought. The younger of the two heroes had his six-foot quarterstaff out and was carefully eyeing the ANBU who had a scythe with a chain attached. Batman, on the other hand, was facing the other ANBU, who seemed to prefer taijutsu to using weaponry.

J'onn quickly sped down to where the Green Lantern was trapped and phased through the wood. When he touched John, he helped him phase through his bonds as well.

Seeing this, Joker activated one of his family jutsu. His hands flashed through the horse and monkey seals. ")Caustic Fist( no jutsu!"

His hands and feet became covered with a green caustic fluid, and he leapt at the Martian. Surprised at the madman's speed, J'onn didn't have time to dodge the attack, and despite the fact that he was phased out, he was seriously injured by Joker's caustic boot to the head. The pain was so intense that the Martian passed out due to his extra-sensitive nerves in his epidermis.

John tried to capture Joker in the energy from his power ring, but Bonnie and Clyde tackled him from behind, breaking his concentration. Soon, the Green Lantern found himself encased in wood yet again. The ANBU who had initially attacked J'onn applied binding seals to the Martian's skin.

Joker then deactivated the )Caustic Fist( and leapt into the fight between Nightwing and the scythe-and-chain ANBU. Completely blind-siding the former Robin, the clown hit him with a large sea bass in the kidney, causing an extreme amount of pain which caused him to go down. Dropping the fish, Joker brought his hands up, forming the monkey seal. He began to laugh.

When Batman heard the Joker's laugh, his opponent sprouted six additional arms - all of them tentacles. He began to have to dodge the various attacks from all of the arms.

Outside the genjutsu, John and a barely conscious Nightwing were treated to Batman performing a jerky dance. And singing.

"Dale a tu cuerpo  
"Alegria Macarena  
"Que tu cuerpo es pa darle  
"Alegria y cosa buena  
"Dale a tu cuerpo  
"Alegria Macarena  
"Eh, Macarena!"

The ANBU who was fighting him stepped back, and glanced at Joker. Upon sensing that Joker was producing a genjutsu, she relaxed and watched the amusing dance that the caped invader was performing.

"Dale a tu cuerpo  
"Alegria Macarena  
"Que tu cuerpo es pa darle  
"Alegria y cosa buena  
"Dale a tu cuerpo  
"Alegria Macarena  
"Eh, Macarena!"

* * *

"So wait," said the blonde Jinchuuriki. "You mean all I have to do is pop the balloon using just my chakra?"

"Yes, and that particular balloon has been chemically treated to prevent your chakra from simply eating through the balloon."

"Makes sense. While I work on this, would you mind helping me with something?"

"Depends on what it is."

"Well, there's this girl on my team..." Upon seeing the lecherous grin on Jiraiya's face, Naruto quickly amended his statement. "... whom I have been dating-" _Curses! That grin just keeps getting wider! __**Try intimidation. Usually worked for me.**_ "-and she got hurt during the preliminaries. Do you know of any herbs that can accelerate the healing process? The medic-nins said that she'd be out of the hospital in a month, but I'd rather she get out sooner."

"Hmm... though it isn't my specialty, I do have some medical knowledge. I'll see what I can whip up on one condition."

"Which is?"

"If you allow me to see who she is."

"Certainly," agreed the blonde. "But if you do anything... ungentlemanly around her, I'll do what my parents were planning on doing, and then some!"

This last bit he said while grinning wildly. Perhaps that was why it was so unsettling for Jiraiya to see and hear.

_**See? What'd I tell ya!? **__He looks so funny when he's soiling his shorts!_

* * *

End Chapter Eleven.

Next Chapter: ")_See_ Batsy? I'm respected, even _paid_, for my _talents_ here. _Now_ let's find out who is _under_ mask number one!("

Author's Notes

Yes. The Hyenas and the Jackals are more powerful than the Toads.

I've found out that the hyenas' names (the ones that Harley has as pets) are actually Bud and Lou (after Abbot and Costello). But I'm not changing it from Bonnie and Clyde as I wanted one of them to be female. So assume that they were killed or something and they found replacement babies or something.

Who else finds the Bat dancing the Macarena amusing?

Thanks to Cylon One and Vassago-Toxicity for being my beta-readers!

New Year's Day, eh? It is simply one year closer to the Heat Death of the Universe. No biggie.


	12. Losing Face version 2

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: SLaughter is the best disclaimer.

Preliminary Author's Note: Let's try this song and dance again. Trying to make it less weird and convoluted and more funny. Still a bit dark, but I can't write that out as the muse demanded that the torture remain.

Chapter Twelve: Losing Face

* * *

")Good morning, Sunshine!(" said a familiar female voice. Obviously, she was entirely too cheerful.

Batman opened his eyes to find that he was tied to a chair, wearing nothing but his boxers, cape, and mask. When he looked up, he saw Harley Quinn.

")Me-oh-my!(" Harley said, continuing. ")We ought to make a bat stir-fry! But seriously, Joker's in charge of your interrogation. That doesn't mean that I don't get to talk to you like an irrational being. Or was that rational being? I can never remember which.("

Batman made no response. He looked around the room without moving his head. One door, two chairs (one of which was occupied by himself, the other by Harley), a metal table, a single light bulb overhead, an off television set hanging in a corner, and at least two security cameras, one in each of the visible corners. Batman guessed (correctly) that there were two more cameras in the corners behind him.

Harley continued speaking again. ")Why do you always have to try and break up our happy little family, huh? Twelve, almost thirteen, years ago, my honey and I stole a portal from that crazy computer that Supe's people let loose. When we activated it, it spat out a little blonde child. We decided to adopt him.("

Batman's mind raced. _They adopted a child? What? Where did they keep him? Why did they adopt him? Why hadn't he died early on?_

")And then, when he was a little older than six, we decided to leave, but not without letting you track down the portal room. I suppose you know better than we do what happened after that in your world. But here, we were hired as ninja, and we've been happy ever since. And you tried to take that away... You tried to destroy our family! YOU'RE THE MONSTER HERE! Mad enough to track us down across dimensions... I should have fed you to those piranhas when I had the chance!!("

Crying, she gave Batman a standing boot to the head, knocking him over. She then stormed out of the room, slamming the door.

Batman blinked, and then the door opened again. Joker walked in, closing the door behind him. The clown had a clipboard and a wistful look upon his face while looking at where Harley had left the room. The man sighed before turning his attention to Batman, righting his chair once he noticed it was on the floor.

Rather than breaking out into a full grin or laughing maniacally like Bruce had predicted, Joker simply smirked. Immediately, his blood ran cold.

")You know Bats, I have you at my _mercy_. I've wanted to have you be in this position for a _long_ time so that I could finally kill you. But _no_. Instead, we're just going to _torture_ you before sending you home. And no, we _don't_ want information. We just want to send a _message_.("

Finally, Batman spoke.

")You're an imposter.("

It was then that Joker threw his head back and laughed.

* * *

Ibiki monitored Joker and Batman on the security feeds. He turned his head to another screen to watch as Anko interrogated the dark-skinned man with the energy ring. Joker had been adamant about removing the ring but also not letting anyone else wear it.

R&D had scanned it and found it to be high in various energies, none of which were chakra, so it was quite possible that the thing was booby-trapped in case someone other than the ring's owner put it on.

Anko slapped the man awake.

* * *

John felt a sharp pain on the right side of his face where he had no doubt been slapped.

"Wake up!" Anko said sharply.

")What?("

"Nani?"

"Anko-san," said Ibiki's voice over the intercom. ")Mr. J( said that they don't speak the same language as us."

"Oh. Yeah. I forgot."

")Who was that? What did he say about the Joker?("

"Looks like I'll have to go with the universal language then."

")What?("

Anko then pulled out a scalpel from the briefcase sitting on the metal table.

"I'd tell you how much this is going to hurt, but you wouldn't understand a word I'd say."

")What are you doing?("

The snake mistress walked up to John in a sultry manner, and began to inscribe kanji and kana on his right arm using the scalpel.

John screamed in agony as Anko wrote the phrase "For a good time call Anko in Konoha at..."

* * *

Ibiki shook his head. He then checked on Joker and Batman. So far, all that )Mr. J( had done was talk and laugh. The man in the cape hadn't said much. Ibiki turned to another monitor where the green man was being held in stasis via a network of seals. The man was finally conscious and being interrogated by an ANBU who was an expert Katon user, in case he broke free. Joker had said that fire and lightning jutsu would be the only attacks able to hit the man, aside from the Uzumaki Clan jutsu.

His interrogation was going well. The green man was already begging for an end to the pain from the electrical wiring he was hooked up to. Odd that he was able to speak their language.

Ibiki directed his attention to another monitor where Harley was interrogating the final prisoner.

* * *

")Wakey wakey! Eggs n' bac-y!("

Dick groaned. His head and back still hurt. He opened his eyes to see an extremely familiar face smiling at him. He was suddenly very alert, and sat up, ramrod straight, in his chair. His eyes were almost panicked, and his muscles creaked under the tension he put them through.

")Harley!("

")Thaaaat's me!(" said the insane woman in a cheery tone. ")How nice of you to join us among the living - though you'll probably wish we had killed you once we're through.("

")You're... not going to kill me? What about the others?("

")Nope. They'll live. But their ability to come back and hurt us will be compromised.("

")What!?("

* * *

")You heard me _right_, Batsy! It's not about _revennnnge_...("

Bruce was suddenly very worried about what was going to happen to him and his teammates. Joker NOT trying to kill him was totally out of character - or at least he thought so.

")... it's about sending a _message_: mess with Konoha, you'll get _burned_. Badly,(" said the clown. After a moment, he continued. ")_And_ maybe stabbed in the spine and left in a _ditch_.("

* * *

")Message?(" asked Dick.

")Yes. Batsy will have a message of his own to carry, but you'll carry a different one: before dismantling the portal, the Justice League must allow whatever Gotham criminals a one-way ticket to Konoha that want to, as well as send the two ninja that we're sending out back to our fine Hidden Village.("

")... what?("

")Well, sure! I mean, why did most of them turn to crime anyway?(" asked the female clown as she began to sharpen a kunai.

")They're insane,(" responded Nightwing, clothed in only his mask and boxers.

")No, silly! They were rejected by society at large. Sure, some of them would turn to crime regardless, but for the most part, most of them were wronged or shunned by the people around them, or other criminals took advantage of them. Take Killer Croc, for example: I seriously doubt that he'd have turned to crime if he wasn't rejected based solely on appearance.("

")I think you've overly romanticized your fellow villains.("

")Perhaps. But if they get uppity after coming here, we can always just kill them and use their bodies for research.("

")You're-("

")Twisted? We're _ninja_. Our honor is only to our Hidden Village; in this case it's Konoha. If anything threatens Konoha, we eliminate it as quickly and efficiently as possible.("

")And you haven't killed us because... ?("

")Killing any of you would bring the Justice League into this world. We want to be left alone. That is the message Batsy will carry.("

Before Nightwing could respond, the television monitor in one of the upper corners of the room suddenly turned on. On the screen was Batman's cell (via the security feeds). Joker was in there as well.

")Hey, Honey!(" called out Joker. ")I thought you'd like to see who's under Mask Number One!"

")Certainly! And I'll show you who's under Mask Number Two!("

Dick began to sweat as Joker grabbed one of the ears on Batman's mask. With a quick flick of the wrist, the cape and cowl were removed and tossed upon the table.

Joker stared for a moment. Harley looked shocked. But then the clown duo simply laughed.

")Hahaha... Batman _is_ *snicker* Bruce Wayne! *snort* Whatsa _matter_, Batsy? Did you have a _really_ bad day the night _momma_ and _poppa_ died? AAAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!("

Bruce's face went beet red, and his visage twisted into a mask of rage - but he was as stoic as ever. However, Joker could tell that his psyche was straining. Dick could also tell that Batman was struggling internally, simply from his long association with the man.

Obviously, the Bat had compartmentalized his persona into "Bruce" and "Batman", with the latter being the dominant "original" - which said a lot for the man's mental state. He was almost as bad as Harvey Dent! Now that he was exposed to his worst nemesis, his brain was twisting into knots trying to figure out if he was supposed to be the Dark Knight or the Dashing Billionaire.

Joker got in his face, his own completely serious - probably for the first time in his life.

")I'm so sorry, _Richie__ Rich_, I just have a hard time believing that the _billionaire_ playboy is the BAT!("

Bruce opened his mouth for a reply, but Joker shoved a sock into his mouth to gag him.

")Shush.("

Confused, Batman's eyes narrowed.

")I have a rhetorical, philosophical question for you, before we find out who Nightwing is.(" Joker's tone was no longer like he was on the edge of sanity, taking what Bruce knew about the clown and throwing it into a wood chipper prior to urinating on it. And then dropping napalm on it.

The sock was removed.

")The one thing which puzzled me, and kept me coming back to Gotham, is quite complex. What has perplexed me the most is what was most obvious. Everyone knows. You wear your shame like a badge, but refuse to wear one like the boys in blue do.(" Joker then grabbed Batman's mask and held it in front of his face. ")Just look at this! You are desperate to be perceived as a monster, draped in black, and yet...(" Joker's fingers slipped through the hole at the bottom of the mask, and he wiggled them around in the cavity. ")You left this little window, a small glimpse of the chiseled-good looks of your alter-ego - not the jaw of a fiend but of a human being... why?("

Bruce blinked. He didn't have an answer. Because he didn't know why.

")I see...(" Joker sighed, idly tossing the mask back onto the table before continuing to speak. ")It _would_ be one thing if you did it _simply_ to mock me, but _seriously_!(" His usual almost-sane tone had returned, worrying Bruce with how comforting it sounded to him. ")Oh well! I _have_ my answer, but you don't yet _bear_ the message, so you are _not_ yet free to _return_ home!(" Ruffling Bruce's hair, Joker turned and looked at the monitor where he could see Harley. ")I have a _feeling_ that it will be disappointing to see _who_ the Bird is, but I _would_ like to know!("

Kind of shocked at how sober her husband had sounded, Harley, like a zombie, robotically slid the mask off of Nightwing's face to reveal Dick Grayson.

")The circus _orphan_? Talk about anti-_climatic_!(" Joker ran his gloved digits through his hair. ")You know _what_, Batsy? I _need_ a drink. I'll leave you to your _thoughts_ for the rest of today.("

* * *

"Joker? Honey? Are you feeling okay?"

"No; I can't _believe_ I just did that! Forced myself temporarily _SANE_ just to screw with Batman's _mind_! Get the _formaldehyde_ - I _wanna_ get _drunk_."

* * *

She slowly opened her eyes. She still hurt, but she knew that the internal bleeding had stopped.

"Shhh," whispered a familiar voice. "Don't worry about a thing! I got someone to help you out, but you won't be able to use your chakra for awhile. You should be able to do so once the Finals start."

"N-Naruto?"

"Yes, Hinata-chan. It's me. I'm sorry that Neji was more powerful than we anticipated, but you'll still be able to prove them all wrong soon!"

"B-but I failed..."

"Nonsense! You simply had a bad day! Rest now, and bide your time."

Naruto walked away a bit, and Hinata closed her eyes. Before Naruto left the room however, he did have one final thing to say.

"You know, my dad said that it only took one bad day to make him so powerful... I hope you can become more powerful too!"

As Hinata drifted back to slumber, she dwelled on the idea of embracing chaos and laughter. Of smiles and screams. Of her one bad day...

* * *

"Why would you ask me to help you with torture?"

"Well, the _usual_ methods don't seem to be _cracking_ a couple of them," lied Joker. "I thought maybe _you_ could help us out with some _experimental_ torture."

"Breaking bones is experimental?"

"Er... no. We've _already_ tried that. No, we want your _unique_... speeches. Talk about what you _usually_ talk about when you try to _get_ the troops _moving_. We want to go for... uh... _intimidation_."

"Yosh! I'll do it! I'll strike fear into their most unyouthful hearts by telling them about the Flames of Youth and the glories of Konoha!!"

"_Perfect_!" said the clown with a wide grin, clasping his hands.

* * *

")A... child!?(" John was confused (understatement of the century).

")Yup,(" replied Naruto. ")You are about to be interrogated by a child! How does that make you _feel_?("

")... this world is f***ed-up!("

Naruto grinned, and John suddenly realized that this was the boy who summoned that freakish hyena, and that this blonde boy was connected to the Joker.

")I'm in deep sh**, aren't I?("

The boy just grinned wider as he picked up a sheet of paper and a bottle of lemon juice.

* * *

"So, you understand what your mission will be, correct?" the Hokage asked two of his ANBU who he knew weren't loyal to the ROOT.

"Hai. That is why we allowed ourselves to be subjected to a genjutsu designed as a rapid language course for this... Eego... )English( language."

"Good. You remember who to look for?"

"Hai," replied the other. "A woman called )Poison Ivy(, a short man with a monocle named )Penguin(, a disfigured man named )Two-Face(, a large grey man called )Killer Croc(, a shapeshifter named )Clayface(, a scientist called )Scarecrow(, a genius in a green suit called )Riddler(, a female thief named )Catwoman(, and a very short man wearing a top hat called )the Mad Hatter(. We are to avoid the large man called )Bane(, the ice-user )Mr. Freeze(, and any other freaks as well as the authorities."

"Very good. Be ready, for you will leave as soon as Uzumaki Joker says go. Dismissed."

* * *

It took nearly two more days before Batman was almost ready to crack. Joker could have caused him to crack much sooner, but would give him a couple hours of rest every once in a while, just to make it worse for the rich boy. The medic-nins had to keep on bringing the prisoners back from the brink of death, but they made sure that the wounds would scar when they healed them.

")Today's the _big_ day, Bats. You _finally_ get to go home, but not before I give you a _choice_. When I send you _back_, you will have to _choose_ which of your egos will _die_. Whether the rich ladies' man _known_ as Bruce Wayne suddenly _disappears_ without a trace or the _dark_ and _mysterious_ knight known as Batman will _cease_ to hunt down criminals. This will be a _difficult_ choice for you. If you _chose_ to kill Bruce Wayne, Batman will become _suspect_, especially since he will be cut _off_ from his money. If Bruce Wayne _lives_ on as a broken victim of the Joker, Batman will have to _vanish_.("

Bruce's voice was raspy, especially because he screamed himself hoarse, but it still carried a hint of defiance.

")What... makes you think... *cough* I'll choose either?("

")This!(" said the Joker, as he pulled a kunai out of his kunai pouch. ")I just _wanted_ to see you _smile_; always have! But you never _did_... So, I'll just have to put a _smile_ on your face!("

With one hand, the clown grabbed the bat's head and held it in place. The other hand slowly and carefully placed the kunai inside Bruce's mouth.

")LET'S PUT A _SMILE_ ON THAT _FACE_!!!("

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

* * *

"Formaldehyde again?"

"_Yeah_, with cyanide-whiskey mixed in." He took several swallows before continuing. "I've done _worse_ things to enemy spies, but... I actually _liked_ doing it! _This_ time... no humor in it. No _fun_."

"Probably the reason why you never really took care of him like that before."

"... _how_ do you figure?"

"You loved to obsess over him, but in your mind he would always be there, and always be so difficult to get rid of, that you counted on it as the one constant in your chaotic life. Now that you've broken him and killed half of him, and so easily I might add, you no longer have that to look forward to."

"... Is that _psycho_-babble _bullsh__**_ you're feeding me or do _you_ actually _believe_ in it?"

"Psychiatrists are ninety percent bullsh**, you know."

"I _love_ you, Harley!" With that, he took another swig of his deadly drink.

* * *

")Yeah, so you'll have to let them know that we have the Kryptonite that Batman normally carries in his belt here in Konoha.("

One of the... what was it called? ANBU? Yeah, one of the ANBU was talking to him. He felt terrible, especially when they brought that blonde child they had seen earlier to help with the torture sessions. These were terrible people, but they were powerful.

John could understand why they reacted so violently, but he hoped he could make the others see that. They were simply defending their colleague and wished to send a message to the rest of the Justice League! John was going to destroy the portal as soon as possible - but not before the two ANBU returned to Konoha with whatever criminals they had recruited from Gotham.

They had returned his costume to him, and, after he was dressed, bound his arms again. Then, they took a small yellow bag, put his power ring into it, and used a safety pin to attach it to his suit.

J'onn... J'onn looked horrible. They said that the symbols had been tattooed onto him, permanently stripping him of most of his powers. Bruce... he had that horrible smile carved on his mouth. Dick had a smiley face tattooed on his forehead, as well as a phrase in English on his back that said: "Eat Ichiraku Ramen: Feel Great!" Still, he seemed to have been the only one not really broken by the torture.

What that crazy snake lady did to him though... still made him shudder. She had brought in that fluorescent ink and tattooed his... organ to look like a snake!

And then two of the ANBU, including the one who was talking to him, were going to return with them to the Watchtower.

The only truly unsettling thing was that he could hear Harley in another room, singing the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy". That song seemed to really stress out Bruce. The man's almost vacant eyes were actually swelling with tears!

* * *

"Hey, Erosennin!"

Jiraiya put his spyglass down, annoyed that the progeny of his student was interrupting his "research" but smart enough to not complain about it, and turned to the boy, who had a blue balloon... wait... blue? Had he managed to pop the red one? Or did he figure out how to change the color of it? Either way... the kid was a genius!

"Yeah, Gaki?" (gaki = brat)

"I figured out how to pop it!" He held up the balloon. "At first, I tried to just spin it, but it went like this -" The balloon flattened out before Naruto released it. "- and with one hand I couldn't get it to go more than three or four directions -" Again, he demonstrated, the water inside sloshing around but not really straining the balloon. "- but then I figured: why not use both hands to start it?" And he brought his other hand to the side of the balloon, causing the water inside to go wild, popping it within a fraction of a second.

Jiraiya was open-mouthed. Only eight days since learning what the first stage was and he already found his own way to solve it! The old ninja then clamped his mouth shut into a grin.

"Very good, Gaki! Here." Jiraiya handed him a box of rubber balls. "Stage Two is much more difficult - instead of water, it is air, which is harder to control, and the object is to pour enough power into it to pop the ball, which is much thicker than any balloon. The objective is to pop the ball within a second of starting - took your old man a year to do it, but it also took him a year and a half to figure out the first stage and do it."

"Huh," replied Naruto. "How long did it take him to do Stage Three?"

"Six months. Took him three years in total to create the Rasengan, and even now, it still isn't finished."

"So I should be able to get this done in five or six days and mastered the third stage by the Finals, eh?"

"At the rate you're going, I wouldn't be surprised."

* * *

Eight days after sending the four intruders and two cat-masked ANBU to that other universe (another fifteen days before the start of the exams, for those who are counting), the two ANBU exited a glowing portal at the rendezvous point in Training Ground 80, right on schedule. Joker, Harley, the Sandaime, and four full squads of ANBU, including Yamato's squad, were there to greet them.

"Password?" asked Harley.

"Shave and a hair-cut," replied the two cat-masked ANBU in unison.

"Two bits!" sang the Joker.

One of the two cat-masked ANBU then stuck his arm back through the portal, presumably to give the people on the other side a thumbs-up.

A man wearing all green with a top-hat and cane and a question mark motif on his suit jacket exited the portal, dragging a suitcase followed by a lanky man wearing a burlap mask dragging another suitcase and a trolley with several tanks of some gas or other behind him. Attached to the other end of the trolley, pushing it along, was a large grey man with sharp teeth and scaly skin, carrying two trunks with his other hand. Following him was a large, flesh-colored monster that looked ready to melt, carrying four trunks on his own - either he had a lot of stuff, or he was helping someone else. After he came through the portal, a red-haired bombshell of a woman armed with a small crossbow exited. Following her was a large... plant-thing that walked with it's exposed roots, and in it's vines it carried a number of flowerpots and a large crate filled with seed boxes and another with bags of fertilizer.

Yamato cocked his head to one side at the woman and her plant-pet-thingy.

After they all were through the portal, it closed and they all set their things down, except the plant.

"ANBU, report!" commanded the Sandaime.

"Mostly successful, Hokage-sama," began one of the ANBU.

"Only five recruits from )Gotham(, but -" continued the other.

"- the )Justice League( will never bother us again."

"Four of the recruits already knew our language -"

"- and )Killer Croc( let us put him under the genjutsu to learn it already."

The man in green stepped forward. "The Hokage, I presume?" At the old man's nod, the younger man bowed. "Greetings. I am known as the )Riddler(, or Edward Nigma, but I suppose I'll take the name Gimonfu." (Question Mark)

"Well, Gimonfu, assuming you pass our psych evaluation - standards are pretty lax - we can start your training if you wish to become a ninja."

Gimonfu bowed graciously at this. The Hokage turned to the man in the burlap mask.

"And you would be the )Scarecrow(, correct?"

"Precisely," replied the lanky man as he bowed. "I was also known as Dr. Johnathan Crane, and I studied the effects of fear on the human psyche. I would like the name Osore, as I hear that the name 'Kakashi' is already taken." (Fear)

"A bit pretentious for a name, but it would work. Like Gimonfu, you'll have to pass the evaluation. You'll probably end up helping in our Torture and Interrogation department - there will be plenty of test subjects for your fear experiments, in any case." Osore grinned at this.

The Hokage turned to the large gray man. "And you would be?"

In response the man bowed. "Lemme introduce meself. I was known as ')Killer Croc(' in the otha' world, original name was Waylon Jones, but I s'pose you could just call me Croc. I would like ta become a ninja, howevah."

"Assuming you pass the test, that would be permissible. Also, it is possible that your condition could be passed on to your children, making it a kekkei genkai. If it is, and even if it isn't, you will be quite-respected in our society and valued as a soldier."

Bowing again, Croc thanked the Hokage.

The old man then turned to the flesh-colored monster. "The shape-shifter, )Clayface(, I presume?"

"Exactly, though I'll be going by Domen around here," replied the thing, bowing as he did so (Domen = Clay Mask). "I would like to learn more about this 'chakra' energy, because from what I can tell... it's how I manage to move about. And if I can use it to repel water... In any case, assuming I pass your psych evaluation, I can help you figure out if you have any moles in your ranks as I used to be an actor named Matthew Hagen."

Last, but not least, the Hokage turned towards the woman, who was looking at the various vegetation and the expanses of forest around her before realizing that she was next for introductions. She bowed to the Hokage, actually revealing an ample amount of her cleavage, causing the old man to inwardly smirk. Yamato discretely hid his small nosebleed.

"I am Pamela Isley, otherwise known as )Poison Ivy(, though I will take the name of Quinn Ivy, as Quinn was Harley's 'maiden' name and she's like a sister to me. I just love the forests around here! And I feel that the plants around here are content!"

Joker started nudging Yamato with his elbow.

* * *

Later, in the Hokage's office...

"So, only five?"

"Well, Hokage-sama, some did not wish to leave -"

"- such as )Two-Face(, as the man does not trust Joker-san."

")Penguin( actually had quite the information and financial network going -"

"- that we agreed with him that leaving it to start again from scratch would just be stupid."

"Let's see... )Mad Hatter(? His technology was very delicate, or so he claimed -"

"- and it probably wouldn't survive the rigors of a ninja lifestyle -"

"- so he declined on the basis that he felt he'd be quite useless to us."

"Joker-san advised us that )Catwoman( probably knew that )Batman('s alter-ego was )Bruce Wayne( -"

"- because he knew that )Selena Kyle( -"

"- )Catwoman('s real name -"

"- dated )Bruce Wayne( for a bit -"

"- so we did the responsible thing and told her what we did to the man."

"She wasn't happy and refused to come with us -"

"- we assume that she probably still loves the man and either wanted to stay to comfort him -"

"- or didn't want to see Joker-san at all after what he did to him -"

"- or both. All others we avoided -"

"- like a plague."

The Hokage took a long drag from his pipe as he mulled that over in his head. "Yeah, I'd be upset if I were her. You did the right thing. What happened with the )Justice League(?"

"Well, the one in the red cape was furious -"

"- that we tortured his buddies, but with the urging of the dark-skinned man we tortured -"

"- as well as the guy in the gold mask, a woman in a red bodice and blue panties, and this woman with bird wings, among others -"

"- he relented and let us do what we went to do."

"Their reluctance crumbled once they learned that practically all of us here had 'super' powers -"

"- what with the sheer numbers involved and all. Then, we promised to invade their world -"

"- if they did not let us recruit some of )Gotham('s criminals to work for us -"

"- prior to returning us to our own world."

Another puff on the pipe. "And they fell for the bluff?"

"After proving that we can break the dimensional boundaries on our own -"

"- by summoning one of our nin-cats -"

"- which really freaked out the man with the gold mask -"

"- yeah. They fell for it."

The Hokage smiled. "Thank you for completing your mission. You will both receive a bonus in your next paycheck."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama!" they replied in unison.

"You are to return to your surveillance of ROOT members. Dismissed."

"Hai, Hokage-sama!" they chimed at the same time prior to disappearing in twin smokeclouds.

The Hokage leaned back, continuing to smoke his pipe. Hiruzen liked the Neko Brothers - very diplomatic when the situation called for it, and very vicious when necessary. They also had a good sense of humor and each seemed to know what the other was thinking, like twins typically are fabled to have. Considering that they were identical twins from a non-clan family who had happened upon a minor summoning contract - the Housecat Contract - the fact that they tested into ANBU from the rank of Genin. The only other to do so was Uchiha Itachi, though they were much older when they did so. Still, they were excellent ANBU, and decidedly loyal to the Hokage, proven by consistently giving accurate intelligence on Danzou, head of ANBU Ne, otherwise known as ROOT.

* * *

Predictably, Croc, Gimonfu, and Osore had immense difficulty with accessing their chakra. Still, Gimonfu made an excellent amount of progress once he viewed the ability to use chakra as a challenging puzzle at Joker's suggestion. He was still a far cry from actually using it, but he had begun to feel it within himself.

Croc didn't care much for chakra, so he trained with Might Guy every morning instead, figuring he could just condition his body further to be much more useful to Konoha.

Osore hadn't yet gotten the hang of it, but Joker and Ibiki reported even higher success rates in interrogation with the presence and techniques Osore used when assisting in the torture of prisoners. What was most likely was that Osore would never be a combat ninja, but he was still useful to Konoha.

What Domen had predicted about himself was completely true - he did use chakra simply to move around and change shape, making it really easy for him to learn how ninja controlled it themselves. He quickly learned as much about water-repelling jutsu and chakra-exercises as he could.

With Harley's help, Ivy soon realized that her control over her plants was really a form of chakra technique, much like Harley's hammerspace had been. Considering her abilities with flora, she was considered a Mokuton user. Yamato, the only other Mokuton user, started hanging out with Ivy when his squad (which still followed Joker around) was off-duty.

* * *

End Chapter Twelve.

Next Chapter: Training with the Gotham Rogues Gallery and the Finals.

Author's Notes

Hopefully this has improved a bit. Added a bit of Brian Azzarello's version of the comics!Joker. (Go read Joker by him.)

Sorry it has taken so long to get back to this story.

Still dark in the first half, but I think I've lightened it with his interactions with Harley.

Having the Neko Brothers complete sentences for each other just felt so natural, especially since I know some fraternal twins who do the same thing. Seems to be common among twins, especially in literature, at any rate.

Hopefully I fixed this well enough. My muse thinks so. I sincerely hope that the fact that Domen and Ivy can use chakra already is believable. Croc not having chakra? Not a problem. Gimonfu making rapid progress for an adult who had never accessed it before? Believable. Osore not needing chakra for his job? Perfect.

I would like to thank the academy... I mean Mr. Fix-It-NAO for being my beta.  
Posting as soon as he's done with the chapter and I access the internet. Old chapter moved to the Brain Dump as of this posting.

Thank you all for your patience with me.

* * *

Plug time.

Go read "Konoha's Ace of Knaves" by Fan of Fanfics. It can be found in my favorites if you're having trouble locating it.


	13. FINALLY!

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: "... and then I threw a rock at 'im."  
(pregnant pause)  
"It was a disclaiming rock!"

Chapter Thirteen: FINALLY!

* * *

"Hokage-sama," bowed the tiger-masked ANBU.

"Tiger-san. Report."

"Actually, I'm not Tiger-face," replied the ANBU with a chuckle, before he grew in size and changed color.

"Wow," replied the Hokage. "You had me going for a moment there, Domen-san. What do you have to report?"

"I found a really big security hole this morning - only an hour ago, actually - and I'd like to bring it to your attention."

"Certainly. What is it?"

Domen simply walked forward and set his hand on the stack of paperwork that had accumulated on the Hokage's desk. "This."

The Sandaime cocked his head, a little confused. "The report about the death of one of the Chuunin Examinees? Namely Kinuta Dosu?"

"Think more broadly."

"Er... um..."

"Paperwork, Hokage-sama."

Hiruzen did a quick genjutsu canceler, just to be sure. He was feeling a bit lightheaded too.

"Excuse me, you said paperwork, right?"

Domen chuckled. "Yes, Hokage-sama, I did. You see, much of this is just legal filler, that if you took enough time to read through, you'd no doubt notice that some of these are authorizations for you to relinquish what powers you have and give them to the Council, particularly the civilian parts of it."

"Do you have proof of this?"

"Just my experiences with human nature. Remember how I said I was an actor? Basically a really expensive stage performer?"

"Yes."

"Well, I had an agent for a time... I fired him because he kept trying to slip little things that would give him more money than he was due into the contracts I was signing. Eventually, he was making more money than I was, so I fired him. I have learned to go through the fine print..."

"But the amount of paperwork I have..."

"Correct. So much of it is legal filler that is boring, that you'll miss the little sneaky tricks they put in there. There is nowhere near enough time to go through it all, at least, not at the moment."

"Well, I do thank you, Domen-san..."

"Didn't the Uzumaki kid say that his Shadow Clones give him the knowledge that he learns with them to his real self when they dispel?"

"Well, I'm not sure how that is... related..."

Domen grinned widely, which was almost as disconcerting as when Joker grinned.

"I'm such an idiot," deadpanned the Hokage.

"If you say so, sir. I do suggest getting rid of this paperwork problem after the Finals."

The old man puffed on his pipe. "I have been too lenient on the Council. Thanks again, Domen."

Domen shifted back into being the tiger-masked ANBU. "By your leave, Hokage-sama."

* * *

The gray monster rolled with the boot to the head that he received from Might Guy, tucking his legs in and spreading his arms. Though Croc's taijutsu form was terrible, he did primarily fight by brawling method, meaning that he was rather chaotic and unpredictable. Also, he let his thick hide absorb most of the impact when he got hit. Completing the roll, he managed to return to a standing position and caught Guy's follow-up roundhouse kick with his left palm. He then ripped Guy from the ground, despite the green-clad man trying to get a grip with his chakra, and swung the taijutsu enthusiast over his head a couple of times before hurling the man into a tree. Guy flipped in mid-air so that he could safely catch himself with his legs. Just as he was about to leap at Croc with the rebound, he noticed that Croc was charging, surprisingly quickly. He only had just enough time to get out of the way as the larger man smashed into the tree, splintering it and felling it easily.

Just to get a point across, Guy threw a kunai at Croc's back, but was surprised when the stabbity object _bounced off_ of Croc's thick hide.

* * *

"Hey, Lee!"

"U-Uzumaki-san!" The miniature Guy was confused as to why Naruto would be paying him a visit, of all people.

"You ever hear of Jiraiya? The Toad Sage of the Sannin?"

"Of course! What are you... ?"

"After the Chuunin Exam Finals, he and I are going to track down Tsunade, the Slug Princess of the Sannin. I'm going to make sure she fixes you up, because I can see the potential you have and would hate to see it go to waste!"

Before Lee could process that information, Naruto had left the room.

Jiraiya was actually standing outside the room. "So you told him? Why?"

"Connections, Ero-sennin. Sure, the boy is not from a clan or anything, but he's going to rival Kakashi and Guy one day. A ninja who is that strong as my friend..."

"Investing in favors rather early, eh?"

"I'm going to be Clan Head one day, so I gotta make sure my connections are strong."

"We're still going to help out your girlfriend today, right?"

"Silly Sennin! Of course we are!"

* * *

Naruto was surprised to see Hinata sitting up this time, drawing in a sketchpad.

"What'cha drawing there, Hinata-chan?"

She grinned widely at his approach, and he could see the small traces of madness in her eyes that had not been there the last time he saw her up and about. He returned the grin.

Jiraiya realized that Hyuuga Hinata was delving into the insanity that was everyday for the Uzumaki family... and he found himself not very inclined to report this development to anyone, least of all her father.

Hinata flipped her sketchpad to the first page and showed it to Naruto.

The crazed blonde looked at it for a minute, before he realized what it was. It was a drawing of her father nailed to a crucifix in the middle of the Forest of Death... and covered in barbecue sauce.

The next picture was a self caricature - but Hinata was in a dominatrix outfit. Naruto blushed a bit at that.

Some of the pictures were of horrible or funny things happening to people that Hinata did not like... others were of her in very sexy positions. The one that really turned Naruto on was one of her naked - and all that covered her naughty bits was a fox laying on her stomach, its forepaws covering her breasts and its tail covering her nether-region. The fox... it grinned much in the way Naruto did, and Naruto realized that the fox was supposed to be him.

His face was beet-red at that point, and when Hinata noticed this, she giggled perversely. Her giggle was answered by Jiraiya's giggle. Naruto turned to see that the old pervert was writing things down on a notepad.

He cleared his throat, his embarrassment turning to anger.

Jiraiya merely looked up. "Don't worry, Naruto. I'm changing the names drastically."

Naruto, shaking his head, turned to Hinata to see the veins around her eyes bulging - she had her Byakugan active - and she was licking her lips hungrily at Naruto. It was at that time that Naruto realized he still had a boner.

"H-Hinata-ch-chan?" Then, Naruto realized something else. "Hinata." His voice was stern. "You're not supposed to be using your chakra."

She went wide-eyed. Slowly, she bowed her head, her bloodline limit deactivating. "I'm... sorry... Naruto-kun. I... I forgot."

The blonde maniac sighed. "Look, I don't want you to hurt yourself like that. You'll be able to use chakra again in ten days, okay?"

"Okay..." she muttered, still melancholic.

"But after that... you can ogle me all you want!" He ended with a grin.

She looked up and grinned back, blushing a bit.

* * *

"Fourteen days left until the finals, gaki. How quickly can you pop the rubber ball?"

"Ten seconds. Should have it down in another couple of days."

"So, you going to use the Rasengan against that Hyuuga?"

"Nope. Got something special planned for him..."

"It had better not involve a banana peel."

Naruto chuckled. "... dammit."

* * *

_"C'mon_, Eddie! You can do _better_ than that!"

"Quiet, Joker! You're ruining my concentration!"

"You're going to have to get used to it, Gimonfu," retorted Harley. "You're going to have to be able to draw on your chakra at a moment's notice in the heat of battle eventually."

The green-clad man grunted as he picked the leaves up again and tried to stick them to his body with his meager chakra supply.

* * *

Anko and Ivy were going around the Forest of Death, discussing the various plants in the Special Jounin's favorite place. Both ladies were well aware of the ANBU detail following them... but they thought the ANBU were there to make sure Ivy was loyal. Most of the ANBU thought that too, but the fact of the matter was that Yamato simply wanted to watch Ivy, even if it was from afar.

Meanwhile, Osore and Ibiki were discussing the effects of fear on their "customers" and how effective scare tactics were in getting people to spill their guts without having to resort to Joker's methods of literally _spilling their guts_.

Osore lifted the tea to his lips, having rolled his burlap mask to above his nose so that he could drink it. "I have noticed that customer seven is resisting all traditional methods, and has withdrawn within his own mind so well that Joker-san can't get at him."

Ibiki nodded as he ate his crackers. They were sitting outside the cell of prisoner twenty-five, within full view of the woman. Her chakra draining chains glowed as her eye twitched. She hadn't been fed in two days and had received nothing to drink in the past twenty-four hours.

"What do you propose?" asked the Head of the ANBU Department of Torture and Interrogation (ANBU DTI).

"Well, I suppose the man may be afraid of mice or spiders or something. I propose we post a D-rank to collect fifty live rodents and another to collect five-hundred live spiders, but with C-rank pay attached."

"If that fails?"

"Get me some peanut butter."

"... Excuse me?"

"Arachibutyrophobia. It is the fear of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth."

Ibiki cocked his head.

"Don't look at me that way. It's more common than you think. Barring that, we can go with a genjutsu based on helminphobia - the fear of being infested with worms. A fairly common phobia that most people don't even know they have."

The woman in the cell repositioned her legs.

"And if that doesn't work?"

"Soceraphobia."

"Sounds interesting."

"It's the fear of one's parents-in-law."

Ibiki snorted. "No."

"Hmmm... lachanophobia - the fear of vegetables."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Yeah, but some people do have it. Hmmm... You don't suppose he might have linonophobia?"

"Do I want to know?"

"The fear of string, amusingly enough."

Ibiki stared at the burlap-masked coworker for a full minute before responding in a deadpan. "Osore, get serious!"

"Well, supposing he doesn't have musophobia, arachnophobia, helminphobia, or arachibutyrophobia, I suppose he might have apiphobia (bees), spheksophobia (wasps), virgitivitiphobia (rape), anophelophobia (painful sexual intercourse), proctophobia (rectal disease), taeniophobia (tapeworms) -" The female prisoner twitched almost imperceptibly. "- asthenophobia (weakness), hemophobia (blood), necrophobia (corpses) -" She shifted uncomfortably on her cot. "- ophidiophobia (snakes), parasitophobia (parasites), pyrophobia (fire), or hydrophobia (water)."

"Necrophobia sounds like our best bet, actually." The woman swallowed.

"Shall I ask Joker-san to procure us a corpse or two?"

"Sure. Why not?"

The kunoichi felt like crying, especially since she realized they were talking about her and not some other prisoner.

* * *

Joker had to duck the moray eel his son tossed at him. To determine how much Naruto had improved under Jiraiya's tutelage, and with only seven days to go before the finals, Harley had suggested a spar.

The elder clown charged forward to plant his open palm in his son's face, but the boy simply lunged forward, dodging the attack and getting inside his father's guard. He attempted to raise his knee to hit Naruto in the nose, but felt pain in his foot instead - his foot had been nailed to the ground with a kunai! How did Naruto fall so quickly!

As he snapped his other leg forward, catching his son in the throat and launching him some distance away, he felt the remnants of wind-oriented chakra in the air.

"You little _sneak_," commented Joker as he pulled the kunai out of his foot. He had to quickly backpedal as his son's shadow clones went for an all-out assault, attacking at different speeds, at different times and angles, while still being in tandem.

Joker had to cast the Caustic Barrier just to get them to stop, and before they could get away, he used the Caustic Bomb, eliminating most of the shadow clones... but some of them remained. Joker realized that they were akuna-no-kagebunshins (shadow clones of poison) and had simply absorbed the acid from his attack.

The clones then leapt off of the ground, each one of them manipulating the wind as best as they could to move through the air faster than what Joker thought would be possible. Didn't the old pervert say that Naruto was primarily wind-natured, and they had trained mostly in chakra manipulation?

The green-haired man simply pulled out a potato peeler and began dispatching the clones, until there was one left. He then attacked that final Naruto with a rubber chicken.

POOF! It was gone.

So startled was the clown, that he didn't notice Naruto rising up out of the ground behind him. The blonde swiftly kicked his dad in the balls from behind.

"GAH-HA-EH!" squeaked Joker, before falling over. Harley and Naruto began laughing.

"What jutsu was that, son?" asked Harley as Joker tried to walk off his injury, grumbling but smirking the whole time.

"Huh? Oh, it's the other jutsu I learned from the Forbidden Scroll - Hiru Banshou: Bouka no jutsu." (Leech All Creation: Attack Prevention no jutsu)

"Why have you never used it before?" inquired Naruto's mother.

"Didn't have enough chakra control to use it reliably, either in or out of combat, until now."

"What does it do?"

"Well, I can sink into objects, such as trees, the ground, large rocks, or buildings, and travel stealthily through the area. Only the most chakra-sensitive people can detect where I am, though I will try to improve my control further so that my chakra signature is spread throughout an entire area."

Harley chuckled. "They'd be able to tell that you're around, but not pinpoint your location, right?"

"Yup!"

"So tell me, when is your girlfriend getting out of the hospital?"

"Three days left before she does. She'll be completely healed too."

"Her _muscles_ will have _atrophied_ a bit," mused Joker, as he walked up to his family.

"Yeah, it'll be a couple of weeks before she's in any condition to go on missions."

"Oh," began Harley. "Jiraiya-san told me something interesting about Hinata-chan."

"What's _that_?" asked Joker, noticing Naruto's embarrassed look.

"He said, and I quote: 'The Hyuuga princess is almost a bigger pervert than I am!'"

"Mo-om!"

Both parents laughed at their son's discomfort for a bit. Still smiling, Harley decided to ask a question.

"So, when do I expect psychotic grand-babies?"

"DAMMIT MOM!"

* * *

Shino laughed mentally as his father, the Clan Head, Aburame Shibi, checked all of his son's kikaichu insects. The elder Aburame was getting stressed out as he discovered that the kikaichu in his son were a new, venomous species that injected their host with various poisons on a routine basis. What he didn't know was that such behavior was the result of a command from Shino. The boy had spent enough time in the presence of the Uzumaki Clan, that he developed a weak version of their bloodline, and so he had sent his kikaichu to gather toxins to inject himself with to strengthen it.

"Son," began Shibi, completely monotone. "Your kikaichu seem to have mutated -"

"At my direction, father."

Shibi silently analyzed the situation and the information he had.

"Why?"

"Did you know that the Uzumaki kekkei-genkai is transferrable through non-invasive means?"

The elder Aburame's brow twitched, which was the bug-user's equivalent to Sakura screaming "WHAT!" at the top of her lungs.

"One just has to spend an extremely long period of time in their company - in the neighborhood of nine-thousand-and-one hours."

Shibi nodded. It would allow the two clans to have a stronger alliance in future generations while strengthening the members of both clans.

"What about your Jounin-sensei and other teammate?"

"Kurenai-sensei actually doesn't spend enough time with us, and she tends to detox herself regularly, it seems."

Shibi nodded, signaling to Shino that he should continue.

"Hinata-san is developing it much more slowly, due to the fact that she's spent less time among Naruto's company. She has only been to the Uzumaki Estate once that I know of."

Shibi also saw the political opportunity there. "You will protect her from discovery until she is strong enough in the bloodline for it to be irreversible?"

Shino chuckled at that, startling his father with the amount of emotion he was showing.

* * *

The day Hinata was released from the hospital was the day Naruto finally got the Rasengan. Now, it wasn't fully mastered, even in its incomplete form, but he could keep it together for all of five seconds before the sphere of chakra fell apart. Jiraiya declared him finished and congratulated him... just to distract him long enough for the tackling hug that the Hyuuga Heiress sprang on him to hit. The hug quickly devolved into a playful wrestling match, as both kids were excited for each other and for themselves.

The next day, because Hinata was a little worried that she might be getting left behind, a training regimen was set up with Kurenai (to help her chakra reserves), Joker and Harley (to help with her unconventional tactics; and secretly to help with her development of the Uzumaki bloodline), and Hyuuga Shishou (for more medic-nin training). The more intensive parts of her training would happen after the Chuunin Exams were finally over, as all of her teachers had to help with making sure the Finals went without a hitch - especially since Joker was the Proctor and Harley was the Announcer for the Finals.

Naruto spent the remaining days visiting the various members of the Gotham Rogues that were now ninja of the Leaf. He found Domen to be rather friendly, though far too sane to want to spend much time with. Ivy was nice, but she sometimes wasn't very patient. Gimonfu was kind of fun to be around, though he didn't quite have the grasp on chakra yet, and gave far too many confusing riddles to the blonde. Croc was fun to be around, but the guy was a workaholic (which helped Guy take his mind off of Lee's injuries for most of the day). Osore didn't actually like any of the Uzumakis (he only came to Konoha because he was offered unlimited research without much in the way of restraint), so Naruto wasn't really welcome unless he was going to help torture the prisoners.

And the day finally came...

* * *

Eight Chuunin-hopefuls stood in the center of the arena, with Joker standing at their head. The roar of the crowd was enormous, and many foreign ninja had shown up for the spectacle of the thing. The Hokage, Kazekage, and some woman who was the self-proclaimed Otokage were sitting up in the Kage Box, where the village leaders got to watch the proceedings. Each Kage had a brace of ANBU from their respective villages guarding them; a pair of snake masks for the Otokage, a hawk mask and an elephant mask for the Kazekage, and a rat mask and tiger mask for the Hokage.

"Otokage-hime," began Sarutobi Hiruzen. "I am surprised that you showed up today - none of your village's contestants made it to the Finals, especially since the one that did was found dead."

She laughed softly. It was a disturbing sound that slightly unnerved the Kazekage - but the Hokage was unaffected (he spoke to Uzumaki Joker on a regular basis). "I still wanted to see how the exams would turn out, especially since all of Kazekage-dono's children are participating."

"Really?" asked the Yondaime Kazekage. "I was under the assumption that you wished to see the Last Uchiha fight, first-hand."

The Hokage laughed. "I'm sure you'll see more interesting things happen with some of the other Leaf Genin. The Uzumaki child, in particular."

"Oh?" asked the Otokage.

"What makes you say that, Hokage-dono?"

"You should know already, Kazekage-dono." At this, the Kazekage cocked his head. "Uzumaki Naruto-kun is much like your youngest son - in more ways than one."

The Kazekage nearly gaped at the Hokage at that.

"Huh," began the Otokage. "The Uchiha is missing. How about we move his match to the end? Many feudal lords are here to witness him specifically, so we may as well allow it, or else our villages may not get as much business."

The Hokage sighed. "Very well."

* * *

"So," Joker began. "Since there _are_ only nine participants, and the _one_ that's still _missing_ will likely be late, the _chicken_, this is the new _order_ of the matches." He directed their attention to a large board on one side of the stadium.

Match One: Hyuuga Neji vs. Uzumaki Naruto

Match Two: Sabaku no Temari vs. Aburame Shino

Match Three: Sabaku no Kankuro vs. Nara Shikamaru

Match Four: Uchiha Sasuke vs. Sabaku no Gaara

By means of random lot, Akimichi Chouji will fight one of the winners.

"All of _you_ who are not _fighting_ right now had better _scram_."

Harley's voice could be heard over the loudspeakers. **"Welcome, one and all, to the Chuunin Exam Finals! My name is Uzumaki Harley. In other words: GOOD MORNING KONOHAGAKURE NO SATO! We bid welcome to the various foreign dignitaries, particularly the Kazekage and the self-proclaimed Otokage!"** There was some cheering at this. **"And it's just about time to start the first match too! It is between my son, Uzumaki Naruto, and a prodigy of the Hyuuga Clan, Neji! All we are waiting for now is for my husband, one Uzumaki Joker, to get this show on the road!"**

As the cheering continued, Joker just smiled. He made no move to start the match. Soon, the enthusiasm began to die down.

**"HONEY! GET MOVING!"**

Joker laughed. "Always _fun_ to rile her _up_. Okay, _maggots_; on my _mark_, start _killing_ each other." Naruto crouched low while Neji got into the Juuken's standard opening stance. "MARK!"

Naruto leapt straight up to dodge Neji's forward charge, seven meters into the air. While he did this he began a familiar seal sequence: horse and monkey. Neji had to dodge as Naruto's hand swiped at where his head used to be, but some of the hairs on his head weren't so lucky. They melted away at the point where Naruto touched them. Neji continued to spin away, getting out of Naruto's reach as the blonde kicked and punched at him with all the grace of a drunken bull. Neji, perhaps to prove that finesse beats power, tried to weasel around Naruto's guard faster than the blonde should be able to react.

But, Naruto was not there, as he was suddenly backpedaling to gain more distance. Neji didn't understand how the other boy could change direction so quickly, but he didn't ponder on it. Instead, he pressed his attack, forcing the clown child on the defensive and not allowing him to utilize his acidic chakra, and soon enough, the jutsu petered out and fizzled. And then, the unthinkable happened - the arena suddenly had a mass of black-clad blondes appear all around Neji.

The Hyuuga was astonished by the amount of chakra poured into the field around him and the amount of control it must have taken to create that many solid clones in the positions they were in. Still, he managed to keep up the original and struck the other boy in the shoulder... only to have it pop as it was dispelled; Naruto must have used kawarimi to switch with a random clone. Neji turned, anticipating an onslaught from the other clones, but he began to cough. The smoke from the clone was much too sweet-smelling to have been normal... Neji was a bit sleepy, but he dove away from the gas cloud before he could inhale any more of the poison. It was at this point that the closest clones began kicking at him while many of the other clones were hurling shuriken at him.

Seeing no other alternative, Neji dove further forward, rolled to a standing position, and initiated the Kaiten (Heavenly Spin). A dome of chakra erupted with him at its center, spinning like a top. All of the clones and projectiles in range were annihilated instantly. Once he stopped spinning, one of the remaining clones threw another at him with incredible velocity, forcing him to side-step to dodge. But the flying Naruto managed to tap Neji on the upper left arm.

The prodigy's world became pain for a short period of time. His arm hung limply at his side... and the chakra pathways had been jumbled. They actually spelled something... "Eat at Joe's" they read. Neji glared at the clone that had sped past him, as all the other clones were gone, so this undoubtedly was the real one.

Meanwhile, all the Hyuuga in the audience were shocked to see the Uzumaki brat using a bastardization of their taijutsu style. He must have learned it when the Heiress used it on him in their spars.

"Wary of getting close to me now, eh?" guessed Naruto. Neji merely glared. "Don't worry - I don't think we'll be going steady for a while, if ever." The Hyuuga's glare became more menacing.

Laughing, Naruto suddenly shot his hands towards Neji, using the Sen'ietajashu (Hidden Shadow Many Snakes Hand) to shoot six snakes towards the other boy. Due to the angles at which the snakes had come out of the blonde's sleeves, the Hyuuga had to dodge to his left. But the snake closest to his right arm exploded in a mass of chakra, destroying the other snakes and striking his good arm.

The same sensation of his coils being re-arranged came over him briefly. Both of his arms were now useless, and one of them now spelled out "This Space for Rent".

"So," began Naruto, still chuckling. "Do you think you're destined to win now?"

"I can still beat you, even with just my legs. You are destined to lose, and I will prove it."

But, before Neji could act on his words, Naruto's hands began twitching. Suddenly, Neji's arms began to flail about, unbalancing the older boy. As he stumbled, he kicked a rock at the blonde. Surprised by the sudden projectile, Naruto couldn't move before it hit him in the head... and he popped like a balloon, leaving more sickly-looking smoke behind.

Neji did a quick check, but wasn't fast enough as Naruto melted out of the ground right next to him - apparently, the boy had been there the entire match - and Juukened both of Neji's hips, further throwing him off-balance. The older boy finally fell over as Naruto pulled himself out of the ground.

"You guys have difficulty looking into the soil?" asked Naruto, sounding disappointed and curious. "Hinata-chan never seemed to have that blind spot..."

The spectator Hyuuga, especially Hiashi, pondered the possibility that Hinata's eyes might be strong in ways different from the norm. What it actually was, her Byakugan was interacting with the weak Uzumaki kekkei genkai she was developing, and the two bloodlines were having unexpected effects on each other.

Neji was furious, especially since the coils in his legs spelled out "Property of the..." "...Flaming Dog".

Naruto grinned and popped his knuckles by interlacing his fingers together and stretching his arms above his head.

"Now," he began, lowering his hands as if he were going to play the piano. "Time for some art."

Naruto's right index finger twitched, and so did Neji's right arm. Naruto's left ring and Neji's left leg. Naruto then began moving his hands much more quickly, forcing Neji to stand.

"You will pay for what you did to Hinata-chan," stated the blonde as if he were discussing what lunch would be. He then began to sing, twitching his fingers to make Neji dance.

"Ne-ji, Neji of the Hyuuga Look out for that tree-ee! LOOK OUT FOR THAT -"

BAM!Neji's forced dance routine took him towards some of the sparse vegetation on the arena floor. He found his entire body making a Neji-shaped impression in the bark prior to falling backwards.

"Ooough!" the crowd collectively winced, sympathetic to the pain the Hyuuga prodigy must have been feeling.

"- tree," finished the blonde, putting his hands into his pockets, grinning like the proverbial cat who ate the canary.

Joker, Harley, and much of the crowd found the humiliating defeat of Neji hilarious.

Naruto simply walked up to his dazed and incapacitated opponent. "Hey, Neji-teme. Did you win?"

"... shut up."

* * *

End Chapter Thirteen.

Next Chapter: Matches Two and Three.

Authors Notes

... I have no idea what I'm going to do now, especially since my muse shattered all semblance of the outline I had. I guess I'll just have to do this by the seat of my pants. Again.

Phobias are fun words to work with.

Does anyone remember that Naruto learned TWO jutsu from the Forbidden Scroll? You should go back to chapter four if you've forgotten. Also, Naruto learned the Juuken from Hinata in chapter eight, just in case your memory is foggy.

Pervert!Hinata is getting to be fairly common in fanfics, but that's probably because it feels so right. I blame **Chibi-Reaper** because he's the first one I noticed to do it (as seen in his story "Overlord"). While I'm plugging for other authors, check out "Konoha's Ace of Knaves" by **Fan of Fanfics**. It is only one chapter so far, and just short of 2,000 words at that, but it is actually well-done so far. On a note completely unrelated to the other two, drop by **SamJaz**'s profile and check out "Persona 3: Fairly English Story"; no prior knowledge of the _Persona_ video game series or the _Shin Megami Tensei_ series is needed to enjoy it.

Neji actually views Naruto as a credible threat in this one, so no Speech About Fate (TM) prior to the fight. I figure he'd wait to gloat after the fight in this one.

So many people were expecting me to have Naruto ask Neji "WHY SO SERIOUS!", but since so many people were expecting that, I decided to not have that happen. Don't want to get too predictable, right?

There will be political fallout from Naruto's embarrassing defeat of Neji. Especially since I used an abridged parody of the "George of the Jungle" theme song.

I must thank Mr. Fix-It-NAO for fixing my typos and whatever formatting problems this site tends to throw at me.


	14. Thinkers

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: "Your disclaimer reminds me of my father. I HATED MY FATHER!"

Chapter Fourteen: Thinkers

* * *

**"And that's the Match! Joker has declared our son to be the winner!"**

Many people cheered. Some made booing noises. Naruto simply pirouetted and grinned back at the crowds. Interestingly enough, Hyuuga Hiashi clapped slowly for a time, before getting up to visit his nephew who was now being carted to the medical ward adjacent to the arena.

* * *

"Forgive my asking, Hokage-dono, but why did you have the Uzumaki boy's parents as officiators?"

"I second Otokage-hime's question."

The Hokage chuckled slightly. "They're the only ones who can keep the boy under some semblance of control. Especially if he ever went... berserk."

The Kazekage paled at the prospect. He was not a stupid man - the Kyuubi was defeated twelve years ago and here's this twelve-year-old boy whom the Hokage hinted was like Gaara? Knowing what Gaara was like when he lost control, he didn't want to think of how bad the young Uzumaki would be.

The Otokage briefly shivered, the only part of her mask of confusion that was imperfect.

* * *

"Alright, _Son_, that's enough," stated Joker, stopping Naruto from basking in the attention, both good and bad, from the audience. He then turned to the box for the participants and began shouting names. "SABAKU NO TEMARI! ABURAME SHINO! GET YOUR _REARS_ IN GEAR!"

Temari leapt off the balcony and used her fan to glide to the arena floor. Shino chose a more direct approach.

He stood up on the handrail and simply stepped off. As he collapsed bonelessly, several members of the audience screamed in fear, including Kurenai. But the boy simply stood up and dusted himself off, like nothing had happened.

One could hear Naruto laughing through the stunned silence on his way up the vertical wall to the balcony. A common thought amongst the civilian population was: _Have these kids never heard of STAIRS!_

**"Well, it seems Shino knows how to fall with style! But I wonder how it would measure up to his opponent's form of descent!"**

The audience chuckled nervously at that.

As Shino walked at a pedestrian pace towards the center of the field coming to a stop opposite the blonde from Suna, Temari taunted him. Well, tried to.

"Do you think that your stunt made you look good in the eyes of the dignitaries? You probably just lost your Village a lot of money being so reckless!"

"You talk too much," droned Shino emotionlessly, to which Joker chuckled.

"Alright, time's a-_wastin_'! Begin!" declared the clown.

As Temari back-flipped to gain some distance, she swung her fan to try and force Shino to move away, or injure him at the very least. Instead, he leapt forward and stuck himself to the ground with his chakra, allowing the worst of her wind attack to pass right over him, merely ruffling his hair.

He began to crawl forward and then, pushing himself upward, broke into a dead sprint, surprising the older girl with his recklessness. Still, she quickly folded her fan and swung it like a bludgeon, clipping Shino in the temple and sending him tumbling. While she was committed to the follow-through on her swing, she noticed a fist-size mass of glowing insects that the brunette boy had left behind. She had no time to block, so she instead used her wind-natured chakra to push her body backwards.

Though she managed to get away from the worst of the explosion, the rather impressive fireball that the insects left behind still managed to knock her off-balance and singe some of her clothing, sending her tumbling.

Shino merely stood up and popped his neck before dusting himself off. He wasn't even bleeding, just scuffed.

* * *

Croc and Guy chuckled together. When the boy had come to them fifteen days prior to the tournament and asked for pain tolerance training, they just had to oblige the young Aburame.

Certainly, the boy didn't have iron-like bones yet, but most pain just simply didn't bother him anymore. At the most, he was slightly concussed from the blow to the head.

* * *

"Clever reckless punk," muttered Temari as she picked herself up.

She at least was able to keep a hold of her fan, but that was a small consolation.

She opened it and watched Shino staring impassively at her, waiting for her to get up and make the next move. Her eyes narrowed as she studied him.

She thought that the Aburame were cold, clinical, and logical, but there was apparently an oddball that her father's spies had missed. Evidently, Shino went nuts in battle, but was perfectly calm at all other times.

She swung her fan again, trying to hit the Aburame heir with a long-ranged attack. Just as the fan passed the midway point of its arc, Shino was suddenly next to her on her blind-side, punching her in the kidney. She managed to focus chakra there to lessen the blow and begin repair, but it still hurt like hell.

Deciding to throw caution to the wind, she swung again, throwing herself backwards and barreling through Shino, knocking the younger boy over. She leapt atop her fan again, using wind chakra to assist in her glide, getting to the opposite side of the arena as the boy.

As she got into a ready stance, she heard a faint buzzing to her left. She turned just in time for Shino to give her a boot to the head, nailing her in the center of the forehead, sending her tumbling again.

As she sat up, shaking off the concussion, she realized the other boy's game. He was spreading small clusters of his bugs around the arena and using kawarimi with them whenever a bug got close! The amount of control necessary to make the switch with such a size difference... Anyway, her first attack had helped him spread some of his bugs around, and his charge was just a means of getting a single bug on her fan, which then hovered near her until she attacked again, allowing an opening.

"I've figured you out," stated Temari as she stood.

"Really?" deadpanned Shino.

"Yeah, you kawarimi with your little pests. Surprising tactic for an Aburame."

Shino leaned forward far enough that she could see his smirk over the top of his collar. "Look down."

She did only to find that there were bugs hidden in the blades of grass she stood on - and they were glowing! They made a _huge_ circle around her!

_This was where he had first thrown himself to the ground,_ she realized._ And he expertly shepherded me back towards this spot!_

"All it takes is a simple command for them to detonate now," Shino said, rolling his shoulders. "But I figured I should give you the chance to give up, seeing as how you are the Kazekage's daughter."

She swallowed as she realized her predicament. On the one hand, he was hesitant to kill her as that might spark bad political relations between their Villages. But on the other hand, he was vicious, as exemplified by his preliminary match, and probably wouldn't hesitate any further to kill her if she didn't give up immediately.

"I forfeit."

"_Smart_ girl," was Joker's response as the glowing of the insects faded. "WINNER: ABURAME SHINO!"

* * *

"You must be glad that one of your own kin wasn't killed," jibed the Hokage.

The Kazekage's fists clenched the arms of his chair almost imperceptibly. "Of course I am glad. She is my daughter, after all."

Elsewhere, various Jounin gave mutters of approval on Temari's ability to keep a cool head throughout the one-sided match. They also approved of Shino's tactics, though the first bit was rather reckless. Still, it was very unconventional.

They compared it to the match between Naruto and Neji, another one-sided match, though it wasn't apparent that it was so until the second half. Clearly, the influence of the young Uzumaki had changed Shino. Though, they had not seen enough of Naruto's performance to give him a promotion.

* * *

Shino's insects swarmed back to him as he walked back to the balcony, surprising many among the audience by how many were out on the field. Frowning, Temari followed after him.

**"AND WHAT A FIGHT!**** Shino's expert use of his kikaichu insects and only two jutsu allowed him to dominate the match! For those keeping track, the two jutsu employed, in order, were his Hotaru no Baku, a self-designed explosive attack, and kawarimi, one of the most basic jutsu in any ninja's arsenal!"** Letting the crowd digest that, particularly the wealthy prospective clients, Harley paused in her announcing. **"And now begins Match Three! Another of the Kazekage's children, Sabaku no Kankuro, and the resident shogi champion, Nara Shikamaru, are the players this time! Will the Rookie Genin beat the arguably more experienced Puppeteer or will the Suna Prince avenge his sister?"**

Kankuro's eye twitched. And he had planned on giving up in order to hide his weapon's mechanisms and poisons. Oh well. Not like he had to go all-out, but he wasn't going to under-estimate the other boy either.

Deciding he was honor-bound to fight, Kankuro walked down the side of the building.

Shikamaru was going to give up on principle, but the decision was taken out of his hands by Naruto. And, surprisingly, Shino.

Kankuro was startled when Shikamaru's body fell past him, and even more so when the other boy rolled with his landing. Though the younger Genin did look a little dazed.

Muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "troublesome psychos throwing me like a sack of potatoes," Shikamaru stood up and lazily ambled over to where Joker stood, making sure to place himself as far west as possible, putting the dark-haired boy closer to the larger shadows in the arena.

Kankuro knew that the lazier boy had chosen the terrain carefully, though he wasn't sure why the more sparsely vegetated side of the field would be considered more advantageous. It possibly had something to do with the longer shadows over there.

When Kankuro and Shikamaru were both in starting positions, Joker began to talk. "You _two_ had better make this as _interesting_ as the other matches _have_ been. Begin, _slackers_!"

The kabuki enthusiast reached behind him to grasp the wrappings around his puppet only to have a kunai impact the center of his face, giving off a wooden sound. Everyone turned to see Shikamaru back-pedaling towards the shadows behind him. The crowd looked back to see sand crumbling off of Kankuro, revealing a puppet underneath, which those who knew the boy knew that it was named Karasu. The wrappings opened up to reveal the real puppeteer.

Annoyed, Kankuro pulled the kunai out of Karasu's face and glared disdainfully at Shikamaru who merely shrugged. The face-painted boy threw the kunai back at Shikamaru, who in turn deftly caught it with his hand by the pommel ring.

"Ever play mumblypeg?" asked the Nara of Kankuro.

"... What?"

"It's a game of psychology."

"I know what it is!"

Shikamaru smirked, and then darted behind cover. Karasu followed, but a small shadow darted out from behind a different tree towards Kankuro. Seeing this, Kankuro had to back-pedal until he was two meters out of the range of Shikamaru's shadow. Unfortunately, he had to pull Karasu back as well, considering that he couldn't project his chakra strings that far yet.

Grunting with frustration, he had Karasu open its mouth, revealing a kunai launcher within. Taking careful aim, he had it shoot the kunai at the tree Shikamaru had first hidden behind, assuming that the other boy was trying to trick him by having it appear to come from a different tree.

Wrapped around the handle of the kunai was several explosive tags, which detonated when the small knife hit the bark. Just before, however, the shadow that had been questing for him disappeared and Shikamaru dodged behind another tree.

The top half of the assaulted tree fell backwards into the wall, splintering as the branches hit the concrete.

"Plenty more where that came from!" yelled Kankuro as he aimed again.

Another explosion and another felled tree, and Shikamaru dodged in the same direction again. Kankuro smirked at his foolishness and continued to herd the younger boy out of the shadow.

* * *

"Hey, Muscles?" asked Naruto.

"What's up?" answered Chouji around a handful of potato chips.

"Isn't Shikamaru faster than that? I thought he had gotten pretty fast when I played mumblypeg next to him in class..."

"Oh, he _is_ fast. That's a bunshin."

"Thought so."

* * *

Once there were only three trees to hide behind, Kankuro laughed. He still had eight explosive kunai left in Karasu. He took careful aim again... and found himself moving against his will. Unable to turn his head, he glanced down with his eyes and saw a shadow attached to his... attached to Karasu's... and going behind Karasu at an angle back to a random tree that had not been blown up yet.

"Kagemane success!" declared Shikamaru loudly.

The boy then walked out from behind the tree, Kankuro following his every movement. Lazily, the Nara walked forward, causing Kankuro to leave Karasu behind. When Shikamaru got close to the puppet, it fell down, the chakra strings stretched too far to keep the construct standing. Shikamaru kept walking until Kankuro was mere centimeters from the wall, and then he leaned back, standing on the small pile of sand that had originally concealed Karasu.

"Say goodnight!" taunted the lazy Genin.

"Goodnight," responded Kankuro, smirking at the wall.

The sand under Shikamaru's feet exploded, a hidden explosive tag going off, remotely and seallessly triggered by the kabuki enthusiast, breaking the Nara's jutsu.

Shikamaru had a rough-and-tumble landing. When he managed to sit up, he saw one of Karasu's blades within a millimeter of his eye.

"You lose," Kankuro declared.

Shikamaru smiled nervously.

"What! No _blood_?" wondered Joker. "Oh _well_. WINNER: SABAKU NO KANKURO!"

The crowd cheered, especially due to how exciting the fight was, but they were cheering for both fighters.

**"HOW EXCITING WAS THAT! First, the puppeteer dominated the fight, then we had a tense turnaround, and then the Konoha-nin was surprised at the last moment! Both fought well and thought ahead!"**

Kankuro surprised his father and sister by helping Shikamaru to his feet.

"Good fight," murmured the hooded Genin. "I think you may be as smart as my sister, if not smarter."

"That exploding tag at the end really surprised me," muttered Shikamaru.

"Yeah, I tend to leave a bunch of those around."

* * *

As the two boys returned to the balcony, Hatake Kakashi and Uchiha Sasuke appeared near Joker.

"You're _late_, Kakashi!" growled the clown in a tone that allowed for none of his excuses, before turning to Sasuke. "Your _dance_ partner looks _murderous_ - you _almost_ stood him up!"

The raven-haired boy openly glared at Joker, particularly for the gay joke, but the clown ignored him in favor of calling Gaara down to the arena floor. The young Jinchuuriki smirked before sand-shushin'ing to stand across from Sasuke.

**"And here is the fight awaited for by the rich clientele! The son of the Kazekage versus the Last Uchiha!"**

"When I decide to _stop_ the _match_," began Joker. "Well, you had _better _stop. Any_way_, GO!"

Sasuke had to immediately dodge a torrent of sand, throwing a brace of shuriken at Gaara as he did so. The sand created a Sunabunshin (sand clone) to catch and return the weapons before the clone dissolved. Sasuke, Sharingan spinning, easily dodged the pointy metal projectiles and switched to a familiar stance.

* * *

Naruto snorted.

"What?" asked Chouji.

"The Gouken may be effective against Gaara's sand," explained Shino. "But your body has to be hardened to the stresses put upon it by practicing the style." Shino shook his head. "There is no way Sasuke's body is up to it, even if he trained in it for the whole month."

"Still," remarked Naruto. "Makes one wonder if Kakashi copied it from Lee so that Sasuke could copy it from him."

"That makes him even worse off," stated Shino. "It means he didn't actually learn it and is following a set pattern."

"Definitely looks like it," Chouji observed. "Those seem to be the exact same attacks Lee did in the beginning of his match with Gaara."

* * *

When Gaara shielded himself in a spherical mass of sand, Sasuke decided to try and pierce it. He gathered a great deal of chakra and charged his hand with electricity.

"Chidori!" (Thousand Birds)

The young Uchiha rushed forward, intent on killing Gaara with one hit. He charged forward and pierced the shell... and nothing happened at first. Then the sand caught up and wrapped around Sasuke.

"Pathetic," deadpanned Gaara, rising from a whirlpool of sand not too far away. "Verify my existence."

"_Hold_ it!" growled Joker in Gaara's ear, startling the redhead. "_Normally_, I'm _all_ for slaughtering _haughty_ copy-cats, _but_ today I'm feeling particularly _benevolent_. _So_, release him."

Gaara, recomposed, glared at Joker. "I'll kill you too."

"I'd _love_ to see you try," laughed the clown.

When the sand began to rise up around the acid-burn victim, Gaara suddenly found himself looking up at the sky, his jaw throbbing as he lay on his back, the gourd having landed nearby. The sand encasing Sasuke fell apart due to a lack of concentration on it. The Uchiha quickly scrambled out of the silica particles as Joker called the match.

* * *

Both the Otokage and the Kazekage stared at the arena floor, dumbfounded that a simple Jounin from Konoha, whose specializations happened to be chemistry and interrogation, managed to knock Gaara down.

"Now you know why I had him be the proctor."

* * *

"WINNER: SABAKU NO GAARA! And _you_," he said, addressing Sasuke. "Get to the _medics_ or something."

**"In a rare show of charity, my husband forced the Sand Prince to release our _darling_ Last Uchiha!"** The amount of sarcasm on the word darling was practically tangible. **"Still, with Gaara winning Match Four, that leaves us with deciding who Akimichi Chouji will fight. I'll stick my hand in this box, which has four numbered balls within. Whichever number comes out indicates the Match number of the person who he must fight!"**"Don't wanna fight Gaara," muttered the large Genin.

"You have a one-in-four chance," replied Shino.

"And fifty-fifty to fight a Konoha-nin," remarked Naruto. "Relax. My dad can handle ol' sandy toes if he gets out of line."

* * *

**"One!**** Akimichi Chouji must fight Uzumaki Naruto!"**

"BANZAI!" screamed the crazy blonde happily as he leapt the railing of the balcony.

Chouji opted for the stairs instead of getting to the arena floor in a non-traditional manner.

Joker mimed as if to catch his son, but suddenly put his arms behind his back, grinning as Naruto landed on his face at the older clown's feet. There were some laughs from the audience at that.

* * *

End Chapter Fourteen.

Next Chapter: more matches.

Author's Notes

I must thank **3AM** for pointing out that the very first instance of pervert!Hinata occurred in the story "Encyclopedia Ninja" by **drunkdragon**. I will admit that it is a fairly well-conceived fic, but it is still rather poorly written. I know I am not much better, and that it is an older fic, but progress on reading it has been rather slow and painful to get through. I find myself drawn to much more exciting fics such as "And If That Don't Work?" by **Sunshine Temple** (Evangelion) and "Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality" by **Less Wrong** (funniest fic I have read in a long, long time). Still, I'm going to try and read it in the interest of knowing the history of fanon.

Also, I'm calling out to everybody to send me more omakes!

I decided to have Kakashi and Sasuke show up more "on-time".

First chapter without a song or a song parody. Just couldn't find a fitting place for one.

Thank you Mr. Fix-It-NAO for being my beta.


	15. MADNESS!

Omake 1: for Chapter 14  
by **shinji the good sharer  
**with some slight editing by Lord Dragon Claw

* * *

"BANZAI!" screamed Naruto happily as he leapt the railing of the balcony.

Joker drew an X on the ground in front of himself, stepped a pace backwards setting a pie on the ground between him and the X. He grinned as his son's stomach landed on the marker, getting a face-full of banana-crme. There were some laughs from the audience at that.

* * *

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: "I know you're a one-disclaimer loon."

Chapter Fifteen: Madness

* * *

The Kazekage was perplexed about how Joker managed to elbow Gaara in the jaw so quickly. As far as he knew, one could pour only so much chakra into speed techniques before the top speed reaches a peak and stays there, and then one is just wasting energy. Even combining them with non-chakra enhanced speed does nothing for how much they could accelerate the user.

There were only two solutions in the Kazekage's mind: pure unadulterated speed, or some new seal matrix that temporarily enhanced the user's speed. The Otokage had come to a similar conclusion, but fancied the idea that perhaps Joker manipulated wind-natured chakra in front of himself to make a vacuum to pull himself forward.

The Hokage knew exactly how the elder Uzumaki did it. He did use a speed technique, but hadn't been told that there was a top speed to the technique. When the clown ninja had discovered this limitation for himself, he thought he was doing the jutsu wrong, and so altered it to allow for greater acceleration.

The Hokage smugly returned his attention to the beginnings of the match below.

* * *

"I know I can't beat you, you lunatic," began Chouji as Harley psyched up the crowd. "But I'll put up a good showing anyway."

Naruto grinned. "Wouldn't have it any other way, Muscles."

"O-_kay_!" laughed Joker. "You may _begin_ beating the organs _out_ of each other!"

Chouji started things off by increasing his size, turning himself into a giant ball and pulling his head and limbs inside of it.

"Nikudan Sensha!" (Rolling Meat Tank)

He rapidly rolled towards the blonde ninja, forcing the young clown to dodge. Since Naruto's unaided speed with his weights on wasn't enough to get out of the way, he had to manipulate the air around him to propel himself. Though the Kazekage was still musing about how Joker hit his son so quickly, the Otokage wasn't as distracted. She noticed the faint wisps of chakra coming off the younger ninja. Considering that Joker was said to be Naruto's father, she assumed that the older Uzumaki had the same wind-manipulation techniques, but more refined than his son's.

As Chouji made a wide turn to return to his offensive, Naruto reached with both of his hands to the inside of his jacket.

"Minnow Cloud!"

As the blonde threw his hands into the air, hundreds of tiny fish went air born, littering the arena floor with their slippery bodies.

As Naruto dove out of the way, Chouji's body began to slip on the fish, causing him to spin out of control, destroying one of the few trees still standing and slamming into the arena wall.

"Ow," muttered the Akimichi as he cancelled his jutsu. He turned around and surveyed the ground. "Fish?"

"Fish Fu," Naruto proudly declared.

Chouji smirked as he reached into the pockets of his jacket and pulled out a pair of bean paste buns. As the blonde raised an eyebrow, Chouji began speaking.

"Your Clan is not the first to devise food-based weaponry. And with all those fish on the ground around you, it will be difficult for you to dodge these."

With that, Chouji threw the bun in his right hand straight at the young clown's head. As Naruto made the attempt to dodge, two things happened. He slipped on one of the minnows on the ground, and the pastry exploded. Obviously, there was an explosive tag within, but also a capsule with a chemical within it. Upon mixing with the bean paste, it released a knockout toxin. Accelerated by the explosive tag, the solution became a gas.

Naruto skidded to a stop on the ground. When he tried to push himself up, the other bean paste bun finished rolling right in front of his face. Just before it exploded, the blonde's eyes went as wide as dinner plates.

Chouji partially turned to Joker and began talking loud enough for the entire stadium to hear.

"My Clan calls them 'Concussion Buns'. Your son should be out for no longer than an hour."

Joker simply grinned back, as if Chouji said something funny. The big-boned boy realized the implications of that smile just before he was knocked silly by a very large sea bass.

"I'LL GIVE YOU A CONCUSSION!" roared Naruto as he continued to beat the larger boy with the still-living fish.

Naruto's hitai-ate was missing and his face, hair, and clothing were covered in bean paste and bread-crumbs.

As the clown beat the Akimichi with the barely-living sea bass, he began to sing a little song.

"Fish heads,  
"Fish heads,  
"Rolly-polly fish heads!  
"Eat them up!  
"Yum!  
"Fish- Hey!"

Apparently, Chouji took Naruto's advice because he had caught the fish in his teeth and had started to swallow it whole. As Naruto gave the tail one last yank to try and free his no-longer-living weapon, the larger boy pulled one of his fists back. It grew in size just before he slammed it into the blonde's gut, sending the smaller boy rocketing back.

"My granny hits harder than you!" taunted Chouji after swallowing the sea bass.

Naruto flipped up, chuckling as he did so. "Well, you fight like a dairy farmer!"

"How appropriate," retorted Chouji, crossing his arms. "You fight like a cow!"

The two boys glared each at the other for a moment before they both burst into laughter.

* * *

"What are they doing?" asked an exasperated Temari.

"Sparring verbally," stated Shino.

"Obviously," stated Kankuro.

Temari glared at Shino. "What I meant is 'why are they being so unprofessional?' They are supposed to be trying to attract more clients to your Hidden Village, not making the lot of you look like fools!"

"I take it that you haven't spent any real amount of time in the likes of Might Guy or Hatake Kakashi yet," Shino deadpanned. "Much less Uzumaki Joker or Uzumaki Harley."

"Gaah!" yelled a frustrated Temari. "You mean to say that my home is constantly being upstaged by a Village full of lunatics!"

"Not yet," replied Shino.

"... what do you mean 'not yet'?" asked Kankuro hesitantly.

"Not all of them are crazy," clarified Shino as he pushed his shades further up his nose. "But we're working on that."

None could tell whether the Aburame was kidding or not, though the up-'till-then silent Gaara blinked.

* * *

As Naruto reached into his jacket, Chouji reached into his pocket for another concussion bun. As the larger boy threw his pastry grenade, the blonde pulled a manta ray out and used it as a shield. The poor creature died instantly.

Tossing the ray aside like yesterday's garbage, Naruto rushed forward, throwing piranha after smiling piranha at the larger boy. Chouji tried slapping the freaky fish aside only to find that they latched on to his hands with their painful teeth. They distracted the Akimichi long enough for the blonde to whip out an electric eel and hit Chouji in the face with it. The stress caused the eel to discharge, shocking both Genin and killing the piranha.

Naruto stood up and dusted himself off, removing most of the bean paste.

"Now _that_ is how you knock someone out!" declared the blonde. His father went up to the unmoving Chouji and confirmed that the boy was still breathing and was indeed unconscious.

**"How about that for a food fight! That just goes to show that whether you like sushi or not, Konoha has a ninja for you!"**

The majority of the crowd found the statement hilarious.

* * *

"Are you trying to run a Hidden Village or a catering company, Hokage-dono?" teased the Otokage.

"You know, I'm never sure anymore."

The Kazekage and Otokage both simply stared at the leader of Konoha while he kept a straight face.

* * *

Naruto returned to the balcony as Harley declared the next pair of matches.

**"Now, we have randomized the four remaining Genin with a computer program. Numbers one and three are Sabaku no Kankuro and Aburame Shino. And... Numbers two and four are Sabaku no Gaara and Uzumaki Naruto. That means that the brothers from Suna are to fight next, and then the two Konohanin teammates are to fight after!"**

"_Would_ the Brothers Sabaku come on _down_?" asked Joker.

"I forfeit!" declared Kankuro.

"LAME!" retorted the clown.

**"Well, that was the shortest match ever!"**

Shaking his head, Joker called down the remaining two Genin. Surprising everyone, Shino and Naruto both simply used the stairs.

* * *

"Kazekage-dono, do your children not trust each other?" asked Sarutobi Hiruzen.

The Kazekage did not bother to respond.

* * *

"I want _EPIC_ violence, boys," stated Joker. "_Begin_!"

Shino opened by spreading out a large chunk of his colony into the open while Naruto began removing weights. Both boys began to move about the arena with incredible speed, one moving without the aid of a jutsu, and the other using kawarimi to incredible effect. Neither seemed able to touch the other for several minutes, though the blurs appeared impressive to the dignitaries from the various countries.

Most of the rich and influential began to hold Konoha in even higher esteem than they did before, much to the ire of the Kazekage.

* * *

_Assuming we win this, public opinion of these weak tree-lovers will change,_ thought the Kazekage. _That is, if Konoha even exists after today._

The elephant and hawk ANBU standing behind him were stoic, but to the rat ANBU standing behind the Hokage, who had training in human psychology, they seemed to be filled with barely-restrained energy - they were trying so hard to not move that they trembled infinitesimally. The tiger ANBU, who had talents of a different sort, could tell that the pair of snake ANBU were greater in number than they appeared to be. Considering their sizes, they could easily hide two people in each of the over-large ANBU uniforms... and one of those four people felt like two. So the Otokage was cheating by having five bodyguards instead of two.

When Tiger discretely signaled this to the Hokage, the old man did not seem surprised.

* * *

Back in the arena, Naruto stopped chasing Shino around for a bit. Neither boy was winded.

"You seem to have more stamina than you did a month ago," commented the blonde.

"All thanks to you," replied the more stoic boy.

"Oh? We didn't meet much during those weeks..."

"We did not," confirmed Shino. At Naruto's confused look, the other boy elaborated. "Your family has an... aura about them. If one can remain in their presence for a significant amount of time, one becomes stronger. This, I believe, is the true power of the Uzumaki bloodline!"

Before Naruto could respond, Shino bit his thumb and swiped it down the front of his jacket. Seals that were placed there with an invisible dye glowed, before turning black. In fact, Shino turned completely black. And his blackness was moving.

Naruto realized what Shino had done: he activated an advanced storage seal - one capable of storing smaller, simpler life-forms without killing them - and released about two entire colonies' worth of Shino's special breed of kikaichu insects.

Energized by Shino's chakra, the bugs quickly fanned out, creating many small swarms around the arena. Naruto realized that it was into one of these swarms that Shino had disappeared - the one he could still see was a bug clone.

"Summoning aid, eh?" Naruto asked of his hidden opponent. "Kuchiyose: Double-Mask!"

A great burst of energy and smoke filled the arena, knocking many of the bugs aside. Laughter filled the air as a huge dog-like animal stepped forward into the physical realm. The beast, the size of a hay wagon, had dark fur all over it. The only bit of armor was a golden mask upon its face, resembling a bearded man's stern visage. The beast's eyes were not visible, though its lower jaw was. Upon the back of the beast's head was the other half of the mask - silver in color, it resembled a smiling boy with eyes closed.

"I welcome you, Janus, Keeper of the Door!"

**"Well, this is unexpected, but well-met, clown-pup,"** roared the hyena. **"I can hear you have hundreds of thousands of opponents today."**

"Yeah, I'm facing off with my best friend in this tournament. He called in reinforcements, so-"

Janus howled with laughter. **"They say you Uzumaki generally do things by overkill! Though, you left him with a slim chance to win by summoning me. I am not that well-suited to fight mobs of opponents, but one only needs to take out the alpha to get the rest of the pack to back off!"**

"I don't think Shino's gonna give us any more time to speak!"

Many of the swarms converged on the summon.

**"Awww... they're trying to make friends!"**

With that joke, Janus rolled over, crushing thousands of the insects. A swarm began to glow as it rushed towards him, but one of his exposed ears twitched and a golden hole in the air appeared in front of the swarm before they could reach the large hyena. A silver hole opened up near the wall of the arena and the bugs spilled out of it to smack against the concrete.

**"Behold my ablility: the Door! No attack may harm me if I do not wish it!"**

Janus suddenly kicked out with his hind leg, removing Shino's disguise jutsu and sending him careening into the wall where he slumped to the floor.

**"I may not _see_ you, but I _hear_ you!"**

"Sorry Shino, but you have lost!" declared Naruto, holding a kunai to Shino's neck.

"I did, didn't I?" agreed Shino, rasping as the words came out. "I'll get the better of you next time though."

"I'll look forward to it!"

Laughing, Janus disappeared in a blast of smoke just before Joker declared Naruto the winner.

**"How about that, folks! Konoha is home to the Hyena/Jackal Summoning Contract!"**

"I'm sorry," said Sarutobi Hiruzen to the Kazekage with a smile on his face. "Maybe I should have Uzumaki-san stop with the sales pitching - I can tell it annoys you."

The arms of the Kazekage's chair splintered further under his grip while the Otokage giggled at the jibe.

* * *

The young clown didn't even bother to recover his weights as Gaara walked down the stairwell with a manic grin on his face.

Gaara was excited - his opponent was strong! Stronger than most Jounin Gaara slaughtered. Mother was demanding his blood! Pity that the blonde amused him in a way that no one else had ever been able to, but perhaps his death would be all the more satisfying because of it!

**"And now, the Grande Finale! The Final Match! Uzumaki Naruto verses Sabaku no Gaara!"**

"I'd ask for a _clean_ fight," began Joker. "_But_ I'd be wasting my _breath_. BEGIN!"

Sand launched itself towards Naruto but the blonde quickly evaded it. The young clown rushed forward to pour on the offensive and Gaara's sand shield moved to intercept him. Well, after Naruto had already kicked the redhead in the groin, felling him.

* * *

"Pathetic taijutsu skills," commented a Jounin in the audience.

"You think Suna would train their weapon, even if only a little," agreed another.

"Some Jinchuuriki are just lazy," responded yet another.

* * *

Gaara screamed out in pain. Mother screamed for blood. What Mother wanted, Mother got, and Gaara was all-too-happy to oblige, especially this time. The redhead hated the blonde clown now. HATED HIM!

Sand swirled around the prone Jinchuuriki, creating a sphere before Naruto could get in and press his offensive. Every time Naruto hit it, it created spikes around it to try and spear him.

The blonde stepped back and looked at the situation, trying to see it from all the twisted angles he could, before deciding on a course of action. He reached for the nape of his neck and appeared to pull a strange weapon from inside his shirt. It was Clarisse.

BLAM!

Buckshot peppered the sand sphere, creating a dent in it from the concussive force of the blast, but doing no real damage. Before Naruto could pull the trigger a second time, the sphere had reformed.

BLAM!

The slug created a crater in the orb of sand, piercing the shield, but he missed the redhead inside. He could hear laughter and muttering coming from within before sand began racing towards him, trying to counterattack. As he dodged, he noticed that the sphere had reformed yet again.

Returning Clarisse to his hammerspace (which is what Harley called it), he continued to avoid the sand while making handseals.

* * *

"What kind of weapon was that?" asked the Otokage, really interested with the unknown technology.

"One unique to the Uzumaki family," replied the Hokage. "They refuse to share it with anyone else."

* * *

"KUCHIYOSE: THE EIGHT BANNERS!" screamed Naruto.

Three distinct laughs echoed around the arena through the smoke. A house-sized jackal with three heads towered over the sand sphere with Naruto on the back of the central head.

"Ready, Hachiman!" asked Naruto.

**"Ready!"**

**"Ready!"**

**"IS THAT A CAKE!"**

Ignoring Sanman, Ichiman and Yonman declared in unison: **"Transformation: Kubikiri Honchou!"**

The entire beast disappeared only to be replaced with a huge zanbatou, which then fell straight towards Gaara's sand sphere. Naruto grasped the hilt and aimed it downwards, allowing the blade to slice right through the sand barrier.

Gaara screamed in pain and the blade slid right through his right collarbone, missing his vitals and head by mere centimeters due to the angle and the interference of the sand.

The barrier exploded outwards, knocking the young clown away. Gaara crouched under the blade formerly owned by Zabuza, clutching his bleeding collar and sobbing in pain.

Another explosion ripped through the Kage box as the Otokage's bodyguards moved to the four corners of the roof. The Kazekage's ANBU attacked the Hokage's while the Yondaime Kazekage leapt to take out Joker, only to be intercepted by Harley.

As Naruto looked up from where he landed in a heap on the arena floor, he noticed that many in the stands were sleeping. Temari and Kankuro had rushed to Gaara's aid while Joker and Harley faced off with the Kazekage and his ANBU. As the Sabaku siblings left the arena, Naruto sped off after them.

Joker sped over to where Hachiman was imbedded in the ground and ripped the sword out of it, while Harley pulled out what appeared to be a large squeaky mallet.

* * *

The Hokage and the rat ANBU were trapped inside of some sort of strange barrier with the Otokage on the roof while the tiger ANBU lay dead, several kunai impaling him. Rat apparently didn't care that he had a kunai or ten sticking out of his shoulders.

Sarutobi looked around, seeing the four people that were disguised as the two snake ANBU at the corners of the roof, keeping the barrier going, sealing off all escape and any further interference from the outside world. The Hokage turned his attention on the woman known as the Otokage just as she tossed another kunai at Rat, impaling him through one of the eyeholes on his mask.

"With that distraction out of the way," she began, her voice becoming remarkably familiar as she spoke. "We may begin catching up, eh sensei?"

"Orochimaru. It _has_ been awhile, hasn't it?"

She pulled off her face like it was a mask, revealing the smiling visage of the Snake Sannin. The Hokage smiled right back.

"I see you're still walking around in women's clothing."

"Hey!" exclaimed Orochimaru, his features showing his anger. "I told you before! Tsunade, Jiraiya, and I were all drunk that _one_ time!"

"True, but this time you're wearing a woman's body too, not just her clothes."

"ARGH!" roared the dark-haired Sannin. "How the f*** did you figure that one out!"

"I see too many weird things these days..." Sarutobi replied with a smirk that proved to aggravate his former student even further.

* * *

End Chapter Fifteen.

Next Chapter: EPIC VIOLENCE!

Author's Notes

Thank you Mr. Fix-It-NAO (now called Mr. NeedsToRemoveAllFavs) for being my beta. Cylon One was going to come back for this chapter, but he's got problems in real life again. Oh well.

BN: Get better soon Mr. Cylon. Also, Fish Heads is a wonderful song. Check out all songs dj'd by Dr. Demento.

Also, we got over one-thousand reviews for "The Laughing Fox." Thank you all, even the ones who didn't like it. And those that gave me the really short reviews, or demanded that I update, each get a cyanide pie from Joker (but don't worry, you don't have to eat it; in fact, please don't).

I love the _Monkey Island_ games. Though, I haven't had the chance to try the new ones yet.

Poor Shino. Naruto is just really a bad match for him.

Janus has two "faces" in this one, like he does in Greek legend. But I figured I'd make him blind instead of having two heads like most were assuming I would do. That way he can still "see" both forward and backward to watch both paths through a doorway and I did something against the norm.

So yeah, next chapter will see Naruto and summons vs. the Sabaku Siblings, Mr. and Mrs. Uzumaki vs. the Kazekage and two Suna ANBU, and Orochimaru vs. Sarutobi Hiruzen. And why did I mention Rat when he just gets stabbed through the eye? There's a good reason for it - in fact, it is a surprise that you will all be happy with.

Sorry this took so long. Compy's processor died, so I need to replace the whole computer and insist they connect the old hard drives to it as well (seeing as how new processors are not compatible with the motherboard). I will not be able to get that done until Christmas though. And my wife deserves a good laptop too, so I'll get her a gaming rig (those don't break down as frequently if they're made right). And then the starter motor gave out on our car, and since it's a newer Toyota, the starter is located behind the engine just under the intake manifold. Had to take it to a shop to get the stupid thing replaced. Whoever decided to put the starter in such a position should be put up against the wall and shot.

And then, to top it off, my sister died on October 4th, 2010, at 3:30 am. At least she's not in pain anymore - she had a congenital heart defect and a gastro-intestinal disorder. She was projected to live for only three months but ended up living twenty-two years. And do not ask me if I'm okay or say "I'm sorry for your loss". It's really getting annoying.

Omake 2: That's why you don't name them.

* * *

As Naruto reached into his jacket, Chouji reached into his pocket for another concussion bun. As the larger boy threw his pastry grenade, the blonde pulled a manta ray out and used it as a shield. The poor creature died instantly.

Naruto hesitantly moved the body around a bit, a horrified look on his face.

"Fritz?" he asked weakly. When the ray did not respond. "Fritz, this isn't funny! Wake up!"

When the relative to the shark did not even so much as twitch in response, Naruto laid it down gently.

"You killed him," muttered Naruto.

"Sorry?" replied a confused Chouji.

"YOU STINKIN' YELLOW FAIRY! YOU KILLED FRITZ!"

Naruto pulled Clarisse out of his meager hammerspace and shot Chouji.


	16. War

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: "I hear we're going to have a little sleepover; I've already packed my disclaimer."

Chapter Sixteen: War

* * *

Some Otonin had been charged with the task of breaking into the Uzumaki estate and steal all the bloodline research hidden within. Twenty ninja were sent. Twelve of them fell to the might of the lawn gnomes within minutes.

One of the remaining eight tripped an infrared sensor entering one of the windows. A guillotine blade ended her just above the hips. Two others had sidled up to one of the walls... and were squished by a rocket-powered steel wall panel. Two more slipped through a window and into Bonnie and Clyde's pen - Harley found their bones two days later.

One unlucky Otonin actually made it inside, only to accidentally walk into a gas chamber. He was sealed inside before Smilex was pumped into the room automatically. Another entered into Naruto's old nursery and stepped on some caltrops that had been left out. He stumbled, grabbed a shelf (which hadn't been secured to the wall properly) and pulled it down on top of himself. The contents of said shelf were all various sharp implements, one of which had sliced open his jugular vein.

The last intruder had snuck in through a window but had gotten his foot caught in the radiator under the sill and fell, bumping his head against a filing cabinet. Joker found him there, still unconscious, the next morning. He was the unluckiest of the twenty to make the attempt to break into the Uzumaki Manor, by far.

* * *

Naruto continued to chase after Gaara into the forest, using the Kyuubi's chakra to energize himself while he reloaded Clarisse with slugs. He also spawned about fifty kagebunshin every few minutes to run interference with any who would be following him.

Naruto couldn't move faster than the Sand Siblings at the moment, especially due to the amount of chakra necessary to summon Hachiman and to keep spawning shadow clones, but he kept pace with them. Sooner or later, they would tire, and his own endurance was nigh-endless. It was a moving waiting game, and he would win.

The young clown grinned maniacally.

* * *

"Second Banner: Barrier!" roared Joker as he swung the gigantic sword around. Sanman's inane giggling could be heard as a flag materialized above the stadium, closing the arena off to outsiders and trapping Joker, Harley, and the Kazekage within.

The Kazekage dodged Harley's squeaky hammer, countering with a kick to her chest. He frowned at Joker.

"Trying to prevent me from getting aid?" he scoffed.

"Nope," replied the clown. "I_ just_ don't want _you_ to get _away_!"

Harley swung at the Kazekage again, but the man dodged by mere centimeters. But instead of squeaking, the hammer exploded, sending the Kazekage tumbling towards Joker. Grinning, the clown swung the massive sword in a low arc, but had to quickly change stances to block the Kazekage's wind-enhanced punch with the flat of the blade.

"Oh, _you'll_ be so much _fun_ to play with!" Joker laughed as Harley threw a large, old leather boot, nailing the Kazekage in the back of the head, dislodging his Kage Hat.

* * *

Orochimaru was having fun while the Hokage was panting from exertion. Though the old man was keeping up, he was tiring. Orochimaru chuckled, putting his foot on the stomach of the rat ANBU's corpse. Time to bring out the special surprise.

"Kuchiyose: Edo Ten-ack!"

Something had grasped his legs, ruining his concentration and cancelling his jutsu. Looking down, Orochimaru saw that it was Rat's hands. He leapt back, kicking the appendages away, unsure of this new development, but the ANBU, still with a kunai in his eye, leapt forwards to chase the Sannin. Orochimaru shoved his palm onto the pommel of the kunai, driving it further into Rat's brain, but the thing laughed. The mask, the clothes, everything about the ANBU changed color to a strange, sickly tan. It increased in size as a newly-formed mouth closed around Orochimaru's hand, the one touching the kunai. The Sannin jerked his hand away, but some of the creature came with it, preventing him from moving his fingers. He tried to pull the substance off, but his other had became enveloped too.

"Mission accomplished, Hokage-sama," the creature said.

"Thank you, Domen," replied the old man. He then turned to Orochimaru, his tone becoming patronizing as he shook a finger at his former student. "No more jutsus for you, young man!"

Orochimaru tried pulling his hands apart, with all his strength, but he soon realized the futility of it all as the clay-like substance hardened.

* * *

Enemies fell to Juuken and chakra scalpel alike. Such was the speed (Joker taught her his speed jutsu) and ferocity of Hinata. She was happy. She was laughing. She was covered in blood from cut jugular veins and carotid arteries.

Truthfully, she was freaking her father out. He watched her as he dispatched his own opponents, wondering why she was so different. Certainly, she was stronger than he had imagined. Much stronger. But she was also disturbing. The pure manic glee on her face as she slaughtered Otonin and Sunanin had no place on a Hyuuga. And yet, it was there. Also, her chakra seemed a little... off.

Hiashi was worried about his daughter whom he had once considered a failure. What if the Hyuuga Elders thought her too powerful or her fighting style too perverse? What if they decided to brand her to get back at the young Uzumaki? What if she decided to turn upon her own kin in vengeance for her treatment? She could potentially murder the entire Main House!

_This is not good,_ he thought. _And I don't know if I can do anything to protect her. She seems to be far too involved with the Kyuubi brat for me to be able to separate them and fix the damage... and yet it was probably his influence that caused her to become this strong._

And then, she started to sing, causing Hiashi's blood to run cold.

"One little,  
"Two little,  
"Three little Otonin!"

She punctuated that line by scrambling an Otonin's brains inside his head.

"Four little,  
"Five little,  
"Six little Sunanin!"

She ripped out a Sunanin's heart after quickly cutting a hole all the way through his chest with a combination of a chakra scalpel with the Juuken.

"Seven little,  
"Eight little,  
"Nine little victims!"

At this point she simply snapped a man's neck.

"AND THERE'S SO MANY MORE TO KILL!"

_... not good **at all**!_

* * *

Kankuro slowed to try and stop Naruto to buy Temari and Gaara more time.

He saw the blonde approaching, and would pass a little to his left, so he moved to intercept. Seeing Kankuro, the young clown smiled, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Kankuro turned to the right to see a WALL of black-clad blondes rushing towards him. By the way they interacted with the forest, he knew they were all real.

Really, there were only two things he could do in this sort of situation. He did both.

"FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU-" he screamed as he ran for his life, accidentally leaving Karasu behind.

* * *

The Kazekage had managed to get around Joker's guard and nearly drilled a wind jutsu into the clown's grinning face when an ethereal jackal head zipped out of the zanbatou's blade and chomped down on his shoulder. It gave a jerk and flung the leader of Suna backward, where Harley was waiting with a Caustic Fist. She opted for a double-fisted blow on the man's wounded shoulder, causing the Kazekage exquisite pain as the acid and poison made contact with the torn flesh.

To the man's credit, the Kazekage did not cry out, but instead whipped the wind around him, sending Harley tumbling away from the force of the mini-tornado. He had to roll out of the way as Joker swung the giant sword in an overhead arc. The clown would have bisected the Kage vertically had he not moved in time.

"Sixth Banner: Magnetism - Negative!" laughed Joker as he pulled the sword out of the ground. Yonman's ethereal head appeared from the blade and spat out another banner. The Kazekage, who had managed to roll to his feet, could not dodge as the semi-transparent banner struck him in the chest. It did not cause an impact, but it was absorbed into him. He could feel a seal arranging itself on his chest, using his own chakra to power it.

"Fifth Banner: Magnetism - Positive!" declared Joker, grinning like the proverbial cat that ate the canary. A banner superimposed itself over the sword, causing a seal to be placed upon the flat of the blade on both sides.

The effect was felt by the Kazekage immediately. It felt like his chest wanted to go towards the sword. He had to use a great deal of his wind manipulation just to keep from stumbling towards the blade. He did stumble a little but regained his balance when Joker swung the zanbatoh over his head. He continued to spin it, making the attraction stronger and stronger until it was all that the Kazekage could do to keep from moving towards the insane, laughing clown.

Then, he heard something that caused his danger sense to flare abnormally high - a clicking noise, like metal touching metal. He glanced over to where Harley had stood up. She was holding some form of large machinery that had a number of metal pipes coming out of one end, all of them pointing towards him. They began to spin around a central axis.

"I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine," Harley cried. "His name is Freddie!"

The Kazekage's senses screamed for him to move as the gun began to fire, but the only direction to move was towards Joker. So he let up on his wind manipulation and tried to reinstate it to keep away from the deadly blade. But the clown had actually been walking towards him as he was distracted by Harley's chaingun, making the Kazekage's judgment of the distance a tad... incorrect.

His head got quite some distance before it bounced off of the barrier, a look of utter disbelief and shock plastered on his face.

* * *

After sending about a hundred clones to keep Kankuro occupied and having a couple more retrieve the puppet, Naruto poured on more speed to catch up with the brother and sister from Suna. The young clown had realized that Gaara had probably regenerated somewhat from the wound to his collarbone inflicted earlier, but he wasn't worried. No matter how fast the fellow Jinchuuriki regenerated, the area would still be sore and would be a weak-point.

Both siblings slowed and turned to face the blonde Jinchuuriki, Temari trying to shield Gaara with her body. But the redhead had other ideas and shoved her out of the way.

Naruto took this time to analyze the changes to Gaara's form. By the shape of the sand covering him, he had partially transformed into a tanuki, and there was a lot of sand covering his injured shoulder. That meant he was channeling his demon.

_Hey, Kyuubi! You know what that means?_

**_... crap. Okay, one tail's worth of chakra, coming up!_**

Naruto grinned as a red shroud enveloped his body, giving him fox ears and a tail. The clones he had covering his flanks began to laugh.

Gaara began to growl.

Temari began to pray for her brother's safety.

")Caustic Shroud(!" roared Naruto, the fox shroud turning from red to a sickly green. The branch he stood on began to dissolve before the blonde leapt off of it to attack Gaara.

* * *

Orochimaru had resorted to using the Kusanagi (Grass Cutter), the eternally-poisoned sword that was once the pride of Kusagakure no Sato (Ninja Village Hidden in Grass) before it was lost in a skirmish with the Sannin. He may not have been able to use his hands, but he could wield the weapon from his mouth, proving that even without jutsu, he was still quite dangerous.

Having heard about the Kusanagi from the briefing he and the Hokage had earlier, Domen was determined to not get hit by it as he didn't know how his body would react with the poison. So he spread the various kunai he had absorbed into himself when he showed his true form all around his body and pushed them to the surface whenever and wherever the sword was to make contact, inadvertently mimicking the Kaguya bloodline (at least, the defensive aspect).

What really helped, though, was the fact that the Hokage had summoned King Enma, who had turned into an adamantine staff. The old man was now threatening to crush Orochimaru's head into paste while Domen's feet ate some of the roof tiles so that he could throw them at the Snake Sannin.

* * *

Hiashi approached Hinata after most of the enemy ninja nearby had been dispatched. His face was grim.

"Daughter, we need to talk."

"Oh, I agree, Father. I agree."

This was unexpected. "Y-you do?"

"Aw, how cute! It's Father's turn to _stutter_!"

The older Hyuuga mentally shook himself and steeled his resolve. "Your behavior today is most unbecoming of a Hyuuga Heir."

"Well, isn't that a relief?"

Her father blinked. She kept throwing him off balance. "Y-you know that the Elders m-may decide to b-brand you with the Caged Bird Seal, especially to g-get back at the Uzumaki Heir..."

"They can try," she replied, laughing a bit. "I'm surprised you didn't notice already, but I've already got a seal on me."

She rolled up her right sleeve, revealing a compressed seal that resembled a seven-pointed star superimposed around a spiral on her upper arm.

Hiashi couldn't see its purpose. "What... what does that do? Who put it on you?"

"Jiraiya-sama of the Sannin put it on me at Naruto-kun's request," she said, sliding her sleeve back down. "It prevents any further seal work from being added to my body."

The Head of the Hyuuga Clan calmed somewhat. "So he anticipated what would happen after today and prevented anyone from branding you."

"Actually, Naruto-kun just didn't want anyone else able to control me." That made Hiashi pause for a moment.

* * *

Gaara found that he had to block Naruto's blows with his sand, which did not dissolve in the blonde's acidic chakra. His left arm was badly burned, and he had to force even more of Mother's chakra to form sand around his other arm, shielding it from further injury. He also had to form the tail just to keep up with the speed at which Naruto attacked.

After failing to score another hit on the blonde, Gaara was getting really frustrated. But finally, he had enough chakra to form the full body of Shukaku the Sand Priest. The sand began gathering around him, forming a gigantic tanuki. Gaara's body appeared at the top of the monstrosity of sand. He used a genjutsu to force himself to sleep.

**"MWAHAHAHAHAAA!"** roared the tanuki. **"I AM FINALLY AWAKE!"**

_Kyuubi__?__ More chakra._

**_Very well, but your body can only take another half-tail._**

_That's plenty._

"KUCHIYOSE: THE THREE MUSES!"

* * *

After dispelling all of Hachiman's banners, Joker, Harley, Ivy, Yamato, and a swarm of ANBU had all gathered around the roof where Domen and the aging Hokage fought against Orochimaru. Joker ordered that he wanted everyone who was not the Snake Sannin to be captured alive for the DTI. The ANBU quickly agreed, most of them thinking that the enemy ninja deserved torture at the hands of Mr. J, while one or two were afraid of the possible consequences of defying the Clan Head of the Uzumaki.

Orochimaru surprised everyone by ordering the Sound Four to drop the barrier and retreat.

Drop the barrier? Mission accomplished. Retreat? Well...

Joker had recovered from his surprise very quickly and had swung the massive sword, calling forth the Second Banner again, sealing the entire building inside an ellipsoidal barrier. But not quickly enough.

Orochimaru's mouth had opened and a sticky, but whole, Snake Sannin had shot out like a bullet, above the barrier before it could form. He rebounded off of the barrier and sprinted off, killing what few pursuers could keep up, but not rejoining the battle due to the massive amount of chakra it took to "shed his skin" in such a way.

As the empty skin of their master floated down, looking very much like a deflated balloon, the only female in the Sound Four started cursing up a storm, even as several ANBU dog-piled her.

The fat one was knocked out instantly when Harley decided to give him a boot to the back of the head.

The two-headed one was assaulted by a tree, grown by Yamato and Ivy.

The one with six arms took one quick look at Joker, the Hokage, Domen, and the remaining twelve ANBU before yanking a roof tile free and hitting himself in the back of the head with it, knocking himself out.

"Huh," muttered Joker.

"What?" asked a nearby ANBU.

"Oh, I _just_ hadn't pegged _that_ one as a _wussy_ quitter."

* * *

An immense amount of smoke appeared, surprising the hiding Temari, thinking that Naruto couldn't possibly summon anything bigger than Hachiman. She soon learned that she was wrong. Very wrong.

Four laughs followed Naruto summoning, one of which was his own due to how exhausted he felt. Summoning the largest Boss Summon that existed was a monumental effort. And her size nearly matched that of any of the Bijuu.

As the smoke cleared, it revealed a three-headed hyena. All three of her heads smirked, though only the left head had a full-fledged grin. The right head smiled, but sadly, as if she pitied everything. The central head looked at everything, but she smiled as if merely amused.

"I welcome you, Lady Cerberus, Boss of the Hyenas and Jackals."

**"How very polite of you,"** responded the right head. **"I am Melpomene, the Muse of Tragedy."**

**"Mistress of Sorrow is more like it," **laughed the left. **"I am Thalia, Keeper of Laughs!"**

**"Lies and slander!" **chuckled the central head. **"You're the Muse of Comedy. I'm the Muse of History, Clio."**

**"AND I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!" **roared Shukaku, spitting a compressed ball of air at the summon.

Melpomene wailed, like she was crying, sending a ripple through the air and disrupting the attack. When she was done, Thalia's tongue shot out. It cracked like a whip against Shukaku's hide, severing his right arm due to the fact that her tongue was as thin as paper and just as razor sharp. In retaliation, a wave of sand coursed forward, forcing Cerberus to jump away. As she landed, Clio began to speak.

**"So, Shukaku the Sand Priest, the Ichibi Bijuu, right?" **she prattled as Melpomene ripped a tree out of the ground and spat it at the large tanuki. Shukaku blocked with his left arm as his right arm reformed. He had to duck as Thalia's tongue tried to decapitate Gaara's sleeping form.

**"Of course I'm right, what was I thinking?"**

She was interrupted as the large tanuki spat another ball of air at them and Melpomene wailed again, like a banshee. Then Thalia retracted her tongue as both her and Melpomene inhaled deeply.

**"You think you're so tough, don't you?"**

Both Thalia and Melpomene spat fire at the same time, but the blue flames shaped into faces as they raced towards Shukaku. The one on the left turned into a laughing, smiling mask as the other turned into a frowning, crying face. They exploded on impact with his arms as he covered his face, sand falling down around him.

**"The truth is, you're not. You're pathetic."**

Cerberus leapt away as another wave of sand came rushing towards her. As it missed, it leveled about an acre or two of the forest. Another pair of burning masks rushed towards Shukaku's back, forcing him to block with his tail.

Something was wrong, that much Shukaku knew. It felt like a foreign chakra was invading his body, making his movements more sluggish and slowing his regeneration. He then realized that Clio's words carried chakra within them - a sound-based genjutsu!

**"A human priest possessed by a minor demon and then eaten by the Ichibi, a mindless tanuki demon."**

Cerberus pounced on Shukaku's back, squashing what remained of his tail flat. Thalia bit into his left arm as Melpomene bit into his right. As Naruto leapt off of Clio's head and raced alongside the demon's face to reach Gaara, she whispered one last thing into the tanuki's ear.

**"No wonder you're Sunagakure no Sato's bitch."**

And then Naruto, moving faster than the sand could keep up, kicked the sleeping redhead in the groin, waking the boy up with excruciating pain.

**"NOOO!**** I JUST WOKE UP!"** whined the tanuki demon.

As the sand lost cohesion, Cerberus's three heads laughed.

**"We thank you for the fun, clown pup,"** began Thalia.

**"First time in a hundred years we've been summoned,"** commented Clio.

**"Such a pity,"** finished Melpomene. **"Don't make us wait that long for the next fight, but don't summon us for trivial reasons either."**

**"Yeah,"** agreed Clio. **"That would be annoying."**

**"Maybe you can have some angel food cake ready for us next time?" **suggested Thalia.

**"Say what!"** exclaimed the other two heads before Cerberus disappeared.

Grinning as Shukaku's body collapsed under them, Naruto slugged Gaara in the face. The other boy ineffectually tried to shield himself with his arms as the blonde kept slipping around his guard, giving him the beating of his life. Suddenly, the sand completely gave out, sending both boys tumbling to the ground.

Naruto had broken both of his legs on landing. A pair of his shadow clones from earlier slung his arms over their shoulders as another pair picked up Gaara's battered form and held him upright under his armpits. A fifth clone rifled through one of the pockets in Naruto's jacket, claiming a needle filled with Smilex.

* * *

Seeing her brother in trouble, Temari rushed from her hiding place, her concern for a member of her family overriding her fear of the two Jinchuuriki.

"STOP!" she cried, preparing to attack with her battle fan.

But the weapon was ripped from her grasp by a pair of blonde shadow clones as another pair wrenched her arms behind her back. Another pair hit the dirt near her feet, grabbing and restraining her ankles.

The real Naruto looked over at her, curiosity on his face.

"Don't hurt him!" she pleaded.

"Why do you care?" he asked, his clone with the needle stopping. "He'll die happy this way."

Though she could see fear in Gaara's eyes, he looked resigned to die, like he had lost his reason for living. She glared through her tears at Naruto.

"I care because he's my brother!"

"But you treated him like a monster not too long ago," Naruto stated, confused.

"I know!" she cried. "And I feel horrible for it, but he's my baby brother! I don't want him to die!"

"Are you offering your life for his?" asked the blonde clown.

"No, Temari!" growled Gaara, barely able to speak. "Don't sacrifice yourself for me! No one wants me around anyway, and you're loved back home!" Gaara coughed up a little blood.

"Gaara!" Temari wailed. "_I_ want you around!"

Naruto shook his head. "If you both agree to stop being so sappy, I won't kill either of you, nor will I kill Mr. Mascara."

Both Sabaku siblings looked astonished at the young clown. Naruto beckoned with his head at the clone holding the needle. The clone injected the Smilex into Naruto's arm, freaking both the siblings out.

"Mmmm... That's the good stuff!" muttered the youngest Uzumaki. "Dispel to let the others know not to kill the doll-maker. We're heading back to Konoha with our three prisoners."

The clone saluted and disappeared.

* * *

End Chapter Sixteen

Next Chapter: Lessons on keeping your prisoners alive.

Author's Notes

That last scene wrote itself out. I sometimes hate it when that happens.

Had to start off the chapter with a scene almost unrelated to the rest of the chapter and the story, just because I needed it to start off with dark humor to get the creative juices flowing.

Who liked Hachiman and Cerberus? Who liked their powers? I tried to keep Cerberus's powers on-topic with what each of the heads could do. Clio had a powerful genjutsu, able to affect even a Bijuu. Thalia, being the Muse of Comedy, would have a razor-sharp wit; therefore she's got a razor-sharp tongue. Melpomene is the Muse of Tragedy, hence the banshee wail. Since tragedy and comedy are the two icons of stage performance, I gave them a combination attack. And then, there's the fact that Cerberus is immense - larger than any other summon boss. Ever. And obviously, only three of Hachiman's eight powers are represented in this chapter. Haven't quite worked out what the rest of them are yet.

Domen is pretty awesome. Only water jutsu will really hurt him. Fire just temporarily hardens him and he can survive being electrocuted. Trying to hurt him with earth jutsu is like throwing rocks into a pond - it makes a splash and that's about it. Same idea with wind jutsu. An ideal bodyguard when one is expecting treachery.

Isn't psycho!Hinata cute?

Oh, and the fight with Joker and Harley verses the Kazekage? That's how you kill a Kage when you're not as strong as one.

It's funny to see Hiashi be the one who is stuttering.

Orochimaru is a chicken in a snake's skin. When the odds are irrecoverably against him, I can totally see him turning tail and running off.

Many thanks to my temporary beta, Dumbledork. He's faster than the others I've had and he wanted to do another chapter for me.


	17. Experiments and Siblings

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: the scientific method does not involve doing random stuff to your test subjects just to see what happens. However, the real scientific method can be rather boring to write about.

Chapter Seventeen: Experiments and Siblings

* * *

Seals were a funny thing, in Joker's mind. He was highly amused by the allegedly Cursed Seals on the Sound Four... Five. That's right. The two-headed guy was actually two people. Twin brothers by the looks of it.

Anyway, the seals were a real piece of work. A storage seal that constantly injected the subject with psychoactive drugs linked to a secondary storage seal that seemed to contain a temporary mutagen. A few chakra storage seals and a pain-causing seal. A seal that increased aggression and another that marked the person as Orochimaru's. And finally, there was an assortment of booby traps in the seal to prevent people from being able to figure the thing out.

Joker cracked his knuckles before getting to work on the fat one's seal.

* * *

"Hello Harley-san," greeted the Hokage when the woman entered his office. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, you know those five guards the snake man had?"

"Indeed."

"Can my Clan be responsible for them when we remove the seals?"

The old man massaged his right temple when he heard that. "You're pretty sure you can remove the seals?"

"Yeah, but )Mr. J( is pretty sure they will have brain damage."

"How does he figure that?"

"Well, the fat one seems to have reverted to a child-like state."

The Hokage blinked. "So you've already started removing the seals?"

"Yup. The man thinks Joker is his daddy and that I'm the mommy."

The Hokage chuckled a bit. "Very well. I'll find some way to make it so."

* * *

"Good morning, Osore."

The scientist turned to see a grinning blonde teen in a black jumpsuit leaning on a pair of crutches. "Ah. The Uzumaki brat. Tell you father that I thank him for his gift. That Otonin he found in your home seems to be afraid of snakes, ironically enough."

"Injected him with your toxins, eh?"

"A new mix actually," replied the scarecrow-man. At Naruto's forced blank stare, he added a "yes" to his statement. Osore then examined the blonde a little more closely. "Are your legs _still_ broken?"

The young clown nodded. "Odd, isn't it? I usually heal this kind of crap within a day."

Osore shook his head. "What are you doing here? I'm a busy man."

"Obviously," commented Naruto. "Anyway, I volunteered to interrogate my three prisoners. That's why I'm here."

"I certainly do not envy them. Have fun."

The scientist shook his head as the clown hobbled off to Gaara's cell. Since Joker had finally found a productive outlet for his madness, it seemed that he had mellowed out a bit. His son definitely inherited the insanity, but the older Uzumakis were tolerable in Osore's eyes now. He still didn't like them much at all, but he could work with them.

* * *

Ibiki walked through one of the hallways of ANBU DTI, finding Harley standing next to a water cooler, taking a drink of the water with a paper cup. The head of the Department of Torture and Interrogation raised his eyebrow at the sight. He didn't know they had a water cooler. Odd.

He walked up to the machine, retrieved a cup from the dispenser, and filled it with cool water.

"So, how are things going, Harley-san?"

"Things are going great! Especially since we'll be hearing the pitter-patter of little feet in our home again!"

"You're pregnant? No wonder youve been getting so big lately. Congratulations!" He raised his paper cup as if to toast to what he thought was an expecting mother.

Harley's eye twitched in response. "We're adopting."

"Oh crap!" exclaimed Ibiki before he dropped his cup of water and ran.

Harley gave chase with her mallet, promising Ibiki that she was going to leave enough of him around for the Hospital to stitch back together.

* * *

Joker grinned. Though Jirobo was brain damaged from his seal's removal forcing his mind to regress to a childlike personality, he seemed to make some progress with Kidomaru. The multi-armed man had also regressed to a childlike state, but his personality was a bit more mature. Jirobo had the mind of an eight-year-old, and Kidomaru that of someone age eleven.

He felt that he finally got the hang of it and could "cure" the remaining three without much brain damage. He couldn't do it to Anko as her seal was but a prototype and not the real deal, but she worked and lived just fine with her seal being intact. Besides, Harley would _kill_ him if he gave her brain damage.

* * *

"Were you aware that your father had been murdered?" asked the crazed blonde.

The other blonde, female, shook her head in the negative.

Naruto then looked to Kankuro, who also shook his head. He looked to Gaara, who shook his head and grinned. "Bastard had it coming."

Naruto blinked before grinning. He was starting to like this Gaara kid. He turned to his clipboard and put a check in a box marked "no" for all three prisoners.

* * *

The Hokage had called for an emergency Council meeting. Everyone on the civilian and shinobi councils attended.

"What is this emergency?" asked Danzou, having no idea what it was about.

"First of all, I'd like to call to your attention the bloody paperwork that has been piling up on my desk. It seems that many forms keep being sent to me that are so full of legal jargon that it takes me a few hours to decipher even one page. This gets tiring and some of these forms are new laws that subly take powers away from me and give them to you backstabbing bunch of pricks."

Several of the civilians went white-faced at this accusation before screaming out in anger at the implications. Koharu and Homura, the Sandaime's old teammates, also frowned but were smart enough to not call attention to their own guilt by speaking out.

"Outrageous!" declared Danzo, causing the civilians to calm down. "This only shows that you are having a bout of paranoia in your old age! Perhaps you are unfit for the pos-"

"Shh!" hushed the Sandaime, using a stage whisper. "You're scaring the birds!"

Everyone was silent at that, obviously confused. Many wondered if the old man had lost his sanity. Several looked to the windows to see if there were any birds outside.

"What birds?" Danzo whispered back, before screaming in pain.

His chair morphed into a tan-colored mass to engulf him, ripping off his bandaged arm containing many implanted Sharingan while crushing his legs. He continued to scream until a part of that mass covered his face, removing the Sharingan from his eye socket and shoving part of itself down his throat and cutting off his airway.

The civilians cried out in horror as the chair Danzo sat in seemed to _devour_ him.

Despite the ANBU Ne, who appeared at Danzo's scream, trying to get the shape-shifting mass off of their master, they soon discovered that they could only watch as Danzo died a suffocating death, his oxygen-starved brain ceasing to fire any synapses after several minutes. The mass released him several minutes after that, revealing itself to be Domen. The ANBU Ne were dumbfounded - without their master, they had no idea what to do and even if the thought of enacting vengeance against Danzo's murderer crossed their mind, they had no will to carry it out because Danzo had never given them such an order in case it ever happened. The reason for the lack of such an order was probably due to the fact that Danzo thought he was untouchable.

"Operation: Two Birds, Single Stone successful, Hokage-sama," declared Domen.

"Thank you," replied the Hokage. "With him out of the way, I am disbanding the civilian side of the Council. If one of you wants me to approve of something you need to get an appointment just like every other civilian who wasn't on the Council. ANBU! Escort them out!"

Screams and yells of impotent rage as the civilians were dragged out of the chamber could be heard while the Hokage merely sipped his tea. Once they were all gone, Inuzuka Tsume stood up and waited for the Hokage to recognize her and give her the floor. Once he did, she spoke.

"What about us, Hokage-sama?" she asked, trying to keep the fear out of her voice, but failing to do so.

"You're all still on the Council until I get my next 'bout of paranoia' in my old age," retorted the old man, eliciting a few chuckles from some of the Councilmen who realized he was joking. "The biggest naysayers were always Danzo and the civilians. The next three were Uchiha Fugaku and my two former teammates."

Said former teammates felt very nervous.

"What about the courts?" asked Nara Shukaku.

"I can't do anything to them except appoint new judges," stated the Hokage. "I know that there will be outrage amongst the civilian sectors, but they've had this coming for a long time. Now, I'm going to handpick a few aides to help me with paperwork, as only the most important of documents should ever reach my desk."

He took a long drag from his pipe before continuing. "It has come to my attention that Orochimaru's bodyguards are being used for an experiment by Uzumaki Joker. The first one has come out of it with brain damage and thinks he is a child. Apparently, he thinks Joker-san is his father. I am going to call a vote to see which of you approve of releasing them to the Uzumaki Clan to do with as they wish. All in favor?"

Almost everyone had their hands up. Even Hyuuga Hiashi, oddly enough.

"All opposed?"

Only Yamanaka Inoichi raised his hand.

"Present your argument, Inoichi-san."

"I just find it frightening to think of Joker-san and Harley-san having _more_ children. I mean, look how Naruto has turned out!"

"True. He is insane, but we owe our lives to him. Do you think any of us could have stopped the Ichibi Jinchuuriki from leveling Konoha, even if we worked in tandem?"

Inoichi put his hand down. "I see your point."

"Does anyone else have any other business at this time?" When no one spoke or raised their hand or stood up, the Hokage continued. "Meeting adjourned."

* * *

"Well, interrogation is over!" declared Naruto, throwing his clipboard into a nearby trashbin. "None of the three of you know anything of value to our intelligence department."

"Sorry we couldn't help you catch the snake," said Gaara. His two siblings were shocked at how much their brother had opened up since his fight with the young clown.

Naruto grinned. "I'll see about getting you three sent back to Suna."

He started to get up, before he thought better of it.

"While I'm here, tell me about yourselves. I've never had a brother or a sister before."

* * *

The twins he managed to get so that they weren't so innocent. He got Sakon and Ukon freed from the seal and all it cost them was for them to regress to thirteen years of age. With time, they might recover. Kidomaru had less of a chance of recovering, and Jirobo had none, but he still got them "fixed".

In any case, he just had to work on Tayuya and they'd all be the new minions of the Uzumaki Clan! Er... kids... Something like that. Whatever Harley decided they were.

* * *

Yamato was understandably nervous as he approached the door to Quinn Ivy's house (granted by the Hokage when he heard that she wanted a large garden with a greenhouse), a potted plant in one hand. He had found one of the rarer poisonous species of flower that Gimonfu had suggested he bring to impress her.

He knocked on the door and waited. He didn't have to wait long before she opened the door.

"Oh? What does the ANBU Captain want with me?"

He had forgotten to remove his mask! Stupid! Stupid! Stu- Wait... Brilliant!

He showed her the plant.

"Oh, how lovely!"

"It gets better," he said, concentrating on making himself sound confident. "It is a poisonous species that is rather rare. The seedpods that it grows when fertilized contain a deadly toxin that primarily interferes with the bloodstream's ability to carry oxygen."

She almost squealed. "How did you know I'd want something like this!"

He removed his mask, showing her his eyes, which were as dark as pitch. "Common interest."

She began admiring him as she would any other specimen that caught her eye immediately after recognizing him as that ANBU that also used that "Mokuton" bloodline. Certainly, he was a human and not a plant/human hybrid like she was, but her primal animal instincts rose to the fore. She found Yamato to be very attractive now that she thought about it - definitely more handsome than Harvey Dent used to be.

She smiled a small, secretive smile that made Yamato's heart rate increase.

"Won't you come inside?"

"I'd be delighted."

* * *

"Wow. And I thought my father was a psychopath."

That was not exactly what the Suna siblings were expecting anyone to say.

Naruto scratched the back of his head. "Well... you certainly are like cousins to me now that I've beaten on you three and you've lived to tell about it."

Temari and Kankuro were unsure about that logic, but it seemed to make sense to Gaara.

"We're cousins?" he asked hopefully.

"Sure!" exclaimed the young clown. "I kinda understand what you went through growing up. I mean, most kids my age couldn't play with me either. They tended to die too quickly." Temari paled but Kankuro thought he was getting the hang of being near the blonde boy. "And I think you should have something..."

What he pulled out of his jacket was unexpected. Looking back on it though, any of the Suna siblings would say that in hindsight they shouldn't have been surprised. It was a rubber chicken.

"This was my favorite toy," Naruto stated. "It never broke. His name is Steve and I want you to have him, Gaara."

He handed the toy over. The redhead looked at it before picking it up. Its limbs wobbled a bit from the motion. Curious, Gaara pulled on one of the wings, finding that it stretched. When he let go, it snapped back into place, causing the entire chicken to wobble from the vibrations. Gaara smirked, clearly amused.

"Thank you," he said as he put the toy under his arm.

Naruto turned to Kankuro. "I believe an exchange of technology is in order. You tell us about your puppetry and I tell you how to make 'automated puppets' otherwise known as robots."

"Uh... am I sharing this with Konoha or just your family?"

"Just my family."

"Sounds like a deal."

Naruto grinned before turning to his fellow blonde. "Would you like some chakra manipulation training? It's how I move so fast and can change direction suddenly."

"That was chakra manipulation?" she asked.

"Yup. Wind manipulation to accelerate or decelerate myself and alter my momentum."

Temari thought about it for a moment. "I could use it to keep my distance from close-range fighters and speed up the swings of my fan!"

"Now you're cookin' with gas!"

The three Sabaku children stared dumbly at Naruto.

"..."

"..."

"Oh right. That commercial only aired in my parents' home dimension."

"Huh?" muttered Temari.

"Durr..." added Kankuro.

"Does this have something to do with that public television device that Lightning Country came out with a few years ago?" asked Gaara. At the other three's surprised looks he added: "I don't have much else to do at night aside from staring at the night sky..."

* * *

The Neko brothers were assigned to give all the former ANBU Ne agents retraining. Particularly in expressing themselves emotionally.

They found that being annoying and playing pranks on them were especially effective at bringing out irritation, confusion, outrage, and, in a rare few cases, laughter. The one known as Sai seemed to have retained his sense of humor, which made some sort of sense when Sai's previous assignment was to report on the activity of the Uzumaki Clan.

* * *

"Hey, )Mr. J(!" called Harley sweetly as she entered the room, dragging an unconscious Ibiki behind her by his left foot. "Are the new minions done yet?"

"Yep!" declared Joker as he gestured to the five sleeping forms of Orochimaru's former bodyguards. "They will think that we're their parents though..."

"Naruto always wanted siblings..." mused Harley.

Joker grinned. "He'll be happy then." Glancing at Ibiki, he did a double-take. "Is that a boot-mark on his face?"

"He did keep dodging my mallet," she stated as if she were discussing the weather.

* * *

As Naruto led the Suna siblings to his home after some ANBU helped him transport them out of the DTI building (to keep its location hidden), Joker and Harley leapt out of the shadows, sporting grins.

"Mom? Dad?"

"Shinobi of Suna, welcome to Konoha!" declared the Joker.

"Konoha!" repeated Harley.

"... Konoha?" asked a bewildered Temari.

"Konoha," stated Gaara, pointing at the miniature of the Hidden Village that had somehow appeared at their feet.

"... it's only a model," murmured Kankuro.

"Shhh!" hissed Naruto.

"Let us show you around!" suggested Joker.

Suddenly, some music began to play. Looking around, the Genin spotted Tayuya playing her pipe, somehow making more than one instrument sound out of it. The other four former bodyguards jumped out and formed a chorus.

"We're Ninjas of Konoha  
"We fight at ev'ry chance we get  
"We do routines and chorus scenes  
"With a boot to da head!  
"We train well here in Konoha  
"With ninjutsu and kunai a looot!"

They started to dance in a silly manner, Sakon and Ukon joining into one body as Sakon had more grace and talent for dancing. Jirobo headed the next verse.

"We're Ninjas of Konoha  
"We practice our improvi-ARGH!"

Jirobo got smacked in the face on accident by Kidomaru, but quickly recovered as Ukon picked up where he left off.  
"But many times we're given rhymes  
"That are quite un-sing-a-bol!"

Kidomaru continued singing at this point.  
"That's 'cause we had no rehear-saaal  
"But we're really quite capa-boooool!"

They went into acrobatic routines at that point. Sakon headed off the final verse.

"In war we're strong and tough  
"Quite a diamond in the rough!"

Jirobo's turn to sing apparently came up.  
"Between our quests we sequin vests  
"And knock the Hyuuga onto their duffs!"

They all sang the next line with the exception of Tayuya.  
"It's a funny life in Konoha!"

Tayuya stopped playing and apparently used a sound-altering jutsu to make her voice deep.  
"I have to push the pram a loooooooooot!"

They finished their dance routine right there and then, accompanied by Tayuya's pipe. As they finished, they did a maneuver commonly known as "jazz hands".

"On second thought," mused Joker. "Let's show you around our home - the rest of Konoha isn't silly enough."

"Right," agreed Harley.

"Right," agreed Naruto.

"..." said Gaara with a smirk beginning to form.

"... THE HELL!" asked Temari and Kankuro.

* * *

Gimonfu was spending his time with the Special Jounin Ebisu, who knew much about the intricacies of chakra control. Gimonfu also found a certain kinship with Konohamaru after giving the oddly violent and bitter boy a Rubix cube. The young Sarutobi stopped berating Gimonfu during Ebisu's lessons as he tried to concentrate on solving it. By the end of the third lesson, he had finally figured out the trick and had matched up all the tiles within minutes.

The young academy student and the brainiac had an understanding at that point, with Konohamaru referring to Gimonfu as "Boss" and got his two friends, Udon and Moegi, to call him that as well. All four of them trained under Ebisu, with all of them able to use the leaf-sticking exercise even while distracted.

* * *

Naruto was happy! He had siblings now! And cousins!

"_Son_," inquired Joker quietly as they walked to their estate. "Did you... uh, _give_ Joseph to Gaara?"

"Dad, that's Steve. Joseph got chewed to bits by Bonnie and Clyde, remember?"

"Oh _yeah_. I forgot."

* * *

End Chapter Seventeen.

Next chapter: "Well gaki, it's time for us to find ourselves a slug."  
"Should I bring the salt?"

Author's Notes

Oddly enough, the Kyuubi seems to be out of action... five points if you guess why.

You must thank **1Batman4u** for giving me the suggestion for the Sound Four... Five to be brainwashed (again) by Joker. Also thank him for the outline of the water-cooler scene.

The rules of male bonding are different for psychopaths, hence why Gaara and Naruto are beginning to really understand one another.

The scene where Danzo gets killed by Domen wrote itself. I like it, so I left a cookie out for my muse when she appears again.

I think that the Suna siblings would be compliant with whoever could beat the crap out of Gaara and live to tell about it, hence why Naruto didn't have to resort to torture. And he realized he didn't need to whereas his father would do it anyway. A bit of his mother's lessons on restraint rearing their heads at this point.

Some Ivy and Gimonfu development in this chapter, but I try to stick with the main characters.

I found it difficult to rewrite the "Knights of the Round Table" song from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" even though it had been planned to be done for about six months now. If anyone thinks they can do it better, send me a PM of your version of "Ninjas of Konoha".

Also, of minor note, I fixed a couple of typos and a plothole in chapters 3, 4, and 6.

Thank you Vassago-Toxicity (aka Mr. Needs-To-Remove-All-Favs) for being my beta for this chapter.


	18. Interlude: 100 Words

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: try to keep backup copies of unfinished chapters.

Interlude: 100 Words

* * *

**1) Laugh**  
Deidara couldn't avoid the green gas cloud. Neither could he avoid the shadow clone hidden within. The clone punched him in the solar plexus, and instinctually, he inhaled a bit of the gas. He backhanded the clone, dispelling it, and dove out of the green mist. He reached for his pouch of clay to make more bombs to blow that blond maniac to smithereens, but the thought of doing so was really pleasing.

He began to laugh at the thought.

_Why am I laughing? _he thought. _No! Stop laughing! Kill the blond first, _then_ gloat._

He couldn't stop laughing.

_Why can't I stop!_ he panicked.

Naruto grinned at him. "I really love Smilex Type B."

**2) Pain  
**"First time I've seen you do that," commented Ibiki.

"Do _what_?" asked Joker.

"Interrogate someone by repeatedly hitting them with a fish."

Joker shrugged. "Getting _hit_ with a fish _hurts_."

**3) Joy**  
"So," Hiashi began.

"So," Naruto answered.

"You plan on making an honest woman out of my daughter?"

"We're ninja," deadpanned the blonde. "Honesty has nothing to do with it."

The Hyuuga patriarch paused as he considered the statement. "True. But what I wanted to know was whether or not you intended to marry Hinata."

"Why didn't you say so in the first place? Of course I do!"

"That makes me glad."

"… your face doesn't show it."

"..."

**4) Anger**  
"Wow, Tayuya-neechan," commented the young clown. "I've never seen so many internal organs in one place."

"Shitty Ame-nin thought they could f***ing sneak up on me while I was f***ing bathing. I put the assholes in a genjutsu that made them think that their f***ing livers were on fire and the only way to put them out was to bloody wash them off."

"Let me guess," added Shino. "Your genjutsu kept tricking them into thinking that different organs were their livers."

"The screams were exquisite…" Tayuya said, trailing off dreamily.

**5) Madness**  
"You can't declare war on Iwa and Ame at the same time!" declared the emissary from Iwa. "It's madness!"

"Madness?" asked Sarutobi Hiruzen. The retired Hokage looked back to his favorite clan - the Uzumakis - and smiled at them before turning back around. "Pretty much."

Tsunade palmed her face. "Prepare to ship this moron back to his own country."

"In _one_ piece… or _several_?" asked Joker.

"Does his mind need to be intact?" inquired Osore.

"Couldn't we see how small of a container we can stuff him into?" proposed Gimonfu.

"Shouldn't we send flowers with the package?" asked Ivy.

Tsunade groaned.

**6) Needle**  
Naruto handed Shino a syringe.

"What the f*** is that supposed to do?" laughed the limbless Hidan. "I'm immortal! Your stupid poisons won't kill me!"

"That's what we're counting on," stated the bug user. "Ever heard of Smilex Type A?"

**7) Brick**  
Naruto's Birthday. Same day as the Kyuubi Festival. Lots of civilians got _really_ drunk during the festival.

Which explains why a few drunken sods thought that it would be a good idea to chuck bricks at Naruto… and at Hinata.

Naruto had taken Hinata on a date and these idiots had just ruined it.

All of the drunks woke up in the hospital the next morning. While some of them had internal organ trauma, all of them were missing their thumbs. The hospital staff could not find the missing digits to reattach them, but they knew better than to ask the young Uzumaki where the thumbs were. Even if they did, Naruto did not know what Hinata did with them.

**8) Sand**  
Naruto was sad.

"Unfortunately, Naruto," stated the Sandaime. "We do need to send Gaara and his siblings back to Suna. The Daimyo needs them back if he's going to get his village rebuilt."

"Okay," replied the blond with a downcast face.

**9) Wind**  
"THIS IS AWESOME!"

Apparently Temari applied the wind manipulation training in a way that Naruto had not foreseen she would. She found a way to generate a jet stream off of her fan and had achieved chakra-powered flight.

**10) Dolls**  
"Another puppet user, eh?" observed Naruto, staring down Sasori.

Naruto then pulled a small scroll out from his jacket, unfurled it, and swiped some of his blood down the length of the scroll. Nine automations came out of various sizes and designs.

"Have fun!" said the blonde clown as he put the scroll away and left to chase down Deidara.

Confused, Sasori wondered how the strange puppets were going to move without their puppeteer. And then they activated and began attacking the rogue puppet-master.

What he did not know about were the shadow clones hidden in the ground with Hiru Banshou: Bouka no jutsu using chakra strings to power and direct the automations. (Leech All Creation: Attack Prevention jutsu)

**11) Pets**  
Naruto was working over some spies from Lightning Country when Harley burst into the room.

"Young man!" she yelled, addressing the young clown. "You've forgotten to feed the animals!"

Naruto turned to her. "Bonnie and Clyde are hungry?"

She glowered back at him.

He turned to his three prisoners. "Eenie-meenie-miney-you."

Harley smiled. "So we put the other two in the observation deck, yes?"

She left.

A pause.

"What did you just pick me for?" asked the man who was picked.

"Feeding time."

**12) Lazy**  
"Ero-sennin. Teach me."

"Go away, gaki! You're interrupting my research."

Irritated, Naruto reached under the older ninja.

BZZZZZZZT!

"YOW!"

Up went Jiraiya, like a rocket. Down went Jiraiya, like a comet. He landed in the women's bath and sank, like a rock.

Naruto flexed his hand, still crackling with electricity from the joybuzzer implants in his palm.

"I feel like I need to wash my hand off in an acid bath."

**13) Swarm**  
Shino faced down the three members of the Kamizuru Clan and their swarm of wasp/bee summons.

They figured they'd be able to beat one lone Aburame who was at least ten years their junior. They figured wrong.

Shino's swarm began to glow, revealing their locations… covering everything in sight, even the wasps.

"Goodbye," Shino said before using kawarimi several times to get away from the explosion.

**14) Poison**  
"AKUNARASENGAN!" (Venomous Spiraling Sphere)

Kabuto tried to use his healing abilities to reverse the damage, but the chemical bonds in his cells were breaking down, and the amino acids were becoming corrupted. Instead of his chakra healing his cells, it was instead feeding several tumors. The spy died in agony.

**15) Chuunin**  
Quite the riot formed once the civilians learned that Naruto had been given his Chuunin vest. Several tried to pull their children out of the Academy, fearful that their kids might be led by the blond clown someday. Tsunade had to put her foot down and tell the idiots to leave their children in the Academy.

Of course, she had to assign a D-rank to fix the pavement where she did put her foot down.

**16) Wallet**  
"So," began the Toad Sage.

"So?" responded Naruto.

"You realized that Itachi and Kisame were way out of your league, eh?"

"Well, duh. I don't have enough tricks up my sleeves to be able to deal with those two. I did know Itachi before he killed his clan, and he was pretty strong back then."

Jiraiya nodded, then looked over at Naruto. "What do you have there, gaki?"

"The weasel's wallet."

**17) Ramen**  
"Okay, I'll concede defeat," Naruto said finally. Near him were stacked twenty-two bowls.

Croc merely smiled at him, placing his thirty-fourth bowl on his stacks. The grin fell from his face once he saw the third contestant.

Chouji belched and rubbed his belly. "I think fifty is a good stopping point, don't you?"

**18) Toad**  
"You sure you don't want to learn to summon the toads? They can help with sage chakra."

"Have you seen what my caustic chakra does to demonic chakra? I'm not sure sage chakra will agree with me."

"You have a point there."

**19) Summon**  
"Hey, Bakuyaku, I have a question."

The Jackal summon eyed his summoner as he rolled a ball of blasting powder between his paws. "What is it, Clown Pup?"

"Why didn't Iwa ever use you guys in battle? I mean, there were twenty signatures on the scroll before my family signed it, but not a one of them was famous for using you guys in battle."

Bakuyaku chucked quietly. "Funny story actually. I'll have to tell you later, but the short version is that the only summoner we liked out of those twenty was the first one, who was a contemporary with the Sage of the Six Paths. The rest were too uptight, so we loosened them up a bit."

"Meaning you tenderized them before eating them."

The Jackal thought about that for a moment. "Actually, yes."

**20) Slug**  
"Interesting," commented Naruto once Tsunade summoned the boss of her contract. "But mine's bigger!"

Jiraiya's eye twitched once he heard Naruto summon Cerberus.

**21) Snake**  
Manda was pissed at Orochimaru. How dare he summon him to fight the boss of the Hyenas!

"**Summon me again and you will be the sacrifice,**" declared the gigantic snake, its neck within the jaws of Thalia. He suddenly dispelled.

**22) Statue**  
Shino looked at it. It was in the perfect place in the Uzumaki estate - right where everyone would see it when they entered the front door. He turned to Naruto.

"While I approve of the placement of Hidan's body, I was expecting his limbs to be reattached in random positions."

"That would make our trophy look fake," the blonde replied.

"He can still move his eyes, right?"

"Yeah, and the glass case cancels out all noise as well as keeps the dust off of him."

**23) Box**  
Ibiki looked at the young Uzumaki, carrying a metal box just as big as he was. Raising an eyebrow, he decided to enquire.

The blond chuckled. "Prisoner 48-27D is in here with an air circulation seal matrix and a sound-canceling matrix."

Ah yes. Sensory deprivation combined with motion sickness.

**24) In-laws**  
"Hey, Hyuuga-_san_!" called out the Joker at the Village Council Meeting.

"Yes, Uzumaki-san?" replied Hiashi reservedly, almost tentatively.

"We're going to be _in_laws!" The clown was now leering at the Hyuuga Clan Head.

Hiashi's face went as white as a sheet, especially since some of the other clan heads were chuckling quietly.

**25) Kunai**  
Shikamaru stabbed the kunai between the prisoner's fingers rapidly, in increasingly intricate patterns. He hadn't even asked a question yet. He didn't stop when the foreign ninja begged him to. The time he did stop, he flipped the kunai around and hit the guy on the thumb with the pommel, cracking one of the bones and causing the shinobi to cry out in pain.

"So," began Shikamaru as he started playing mumbleypeg with his own fingers. "Do you want to tell me what you're looking for?"

Behind the one-way mirror, Ibiki whistled. "I had no idea he'd be pretty good at interrogation."

"Helps that I trained him in that game," muttered the blonde clown.

**26) Shrapnel**  
A small bang startled a squad of Ame-nin. Some of them were quick enough to turn towards its origin and notice the disk floating a meter above the ground before it went off in a loud "WHUMP".

About a kilometer away Naruto turned to the squad he was leading. "And that, my friends, is what a Bouncing Betty sounds like when it goes off." Smiling, he turned towards where he had deposited the mine. "Wanna see if anyone was unlucky enough to survive it?"

**27) Flashbang**  
The six pairs of eyes his opponent utilized were beginning to get annoying. Naruto pulled a strange cylinder with a lever and a pin on one end from one of the matter transfer seals on the inside of his jacket. Pulling the pin, he threw it into the air where he performed Shuriken Kagebunshin on it before quickly closing his eyes.

**28) Feedback**  
Naruto stared at the fox within his cage. "So that's the reason you haven't been active?"

"**Yes, gaki. The last time I fed you some of my chakra, a lot of yours flooded into me, damaging me greatly. I can no longer control my own chakra.**"

"Sooo, that means that there's nothing really stopping me from taking a hold of your chakra on my own, is there?"

The Kyuubi blinked. "**KUSO!**"

**29) River**  
Osore had an idea. An evil, wicked, horrible, wonderful idea.

Konoha had access to the spring of the main river that flowed through Ame and from there into the sea. And he had a new toxin that was harmless in liquid form and would be rendered completely inert by sea salt… but if dispersed into a vapor like the omnipresent rains in Amegakure no Sato…

Konohagakure no Sato would not need to invade or assault Ame to win the war against Akatsuki - Ame's populace would kill themselves of their own accord.

Time to spread some fear…

**30) Pills**  
"… but then your body keeps trying to metabolize even though you've used up its entire calorie storage by taking the third one?"

"Yeah," replied Chouji, eating a dumpling.

Naruto scratched his neck. "Could I borrow some samples of these pills? I might be able to reengineer it so it isn't as dangerous."

"Can't," the rotund boy said around bites. "Clan Secret."

"Drat!"

**31) Kunoichi**  
"Now it is time to begin the bi-monthly meeting of the Konoha Kunoichi Association," began Harley. "Anko has informed me that she would like to extend the offer of tea ceremony lessons to all in attendance. Again."

**32) Fish**  
"Sounds like Isaribi is a bit of a control freak," commented Naruto. "Why are you dating her again?"

"The sex is great," answered Croc.

"Ah."

**33) Cards**  
"You know," began Hinata. "Naruto-kun has a really terrible poker face when playing cards, but he's got the devil's luck."

Eddie sat there for a moment, peering over the tops of his cards at the other players.

"I call bullshit," said Gimonfu as he placed his two kings and three knaves on the table.

Shino had three aces and two queens.

Iruka placed his hand of three kings and two aces on the table.

Anko had a royal flush.

Kakashi had five aces.

Shikamaru folded.

Kurenai had six queens.

Hinata had seven aces.

Naruto chuckled as he slammed his hand down on the table, revealing that he had fifty-two cards - and all of them were the ace of Spades.

Joker chuckled as he placed his five-card hand on the table, showing five joker cards.

The man formerly known as the Riddler puzzled over the results of the game before he finally came to a conclusion. "It's a _ninja_ game," he sighed. "We're _supposed_ to cheat."

**34) Tower**  
Hinata chuckled as she entered the room, causing the man attached to the machine in its center to gasp.

"I thought that there might have been something important in this place. Say, you have the same hair color and eye color as those six guys Naru-kun's fighting..."

Nagato frowned and opened his mouth to speak when a visible lance of energy entered his chest, right where his heart was.

"And that takes care of that," she chimed in a sing-song voice.

**35) Hokage**  
"Oh, so our next Hokage's a drunk with a gambling problem!" the young blond said cheerfully.

Tsunade slammed her hand down on the table, splintering the wood. "I am not going to be Hokage! I am not going back to Konoha!"

Jiraiya palmed his face, realizing the stupidity of bringing the young Uzumaki with him to speak with Tsunade. Her tirade continued for a few minutes longer, and when she was out of breath, Naruto spoke again.

"_And_ she's a whiny bitch. Tell me, Jiraiya, how is she a step up from the old man?"

She went to punch the smaller blond but he ducked, allowing her to punch a hole in the wall behind him. She quickly pulled back to aim at him again, but she suddenly got a face-full of live octopus.

Shizune completely lost it at that point and screamed.

Tsunade tried her best to get the cephalopod off of her face, but it was latched tight to her head.

Naruto grinned, glad that his pet Rorschach was genetically enhanced to be extremely strong and durable.

Jiraiya... was gleefully taking notes. Why hadn't he thought of putting tentacle monsters in his novels before?

**36) Water**  
"_Welcome_ to Konoha, Mizukage-_dono_, where _half_ of the population is stark-raving _mad_, and the _other_ half is not too far behind."

Mei looked curiously at the pale-faced man with green hair and a sickly grin in a pinstripe suit. "I thought that we were going to be escorted by a samurai to the Hokage Tower, not one of Konoha's premier ninja."

Joker shrugged. "I _can't_ help it if the scheduled _escort_ suddenly became a _quadriplegic_."

**37) Paper**  
Shino laughed as Konan tried to swat away his glowing insects. She suddenly had to deal with the psychotic boy trying to kick her in the face, amazed that he managed to kawarimi with one of her papers. She shoved a spear made of paper through his body, forcing it to break down into a swarm of kikaichu. She had to use her paper to create a fan to blow them away to a safe distance, but she felt a disturbance in the air as one of her sheets was switched with again. She managed to turn just enough to avoid getting decapitated, but a huge chunk of her shoulder was missing, causing her to cry out in pain. It took too much of her concentration to avoid going into shock.

She looked at the young Aburame, in his late teens, holding the weapon he had used to cut her with.

"Hidan's scythe," she whispered.

**38) Book**  
"While well-written, I believe your current series has way too much fan-service, no discernable plot, and the ninja code you put into it is easily breakable."

Jiraiya rubbed his temples. "I don't see you trying to do better."

Naruto handed the orange book back. "Challenge accepted."

**39) Orange**  
"You know, I used to want to wear that color."

"Really?" asked Konohamaru, admiring his new orange tracksuit.

"Really."

**40) Eyes**  
Naruto set a jar down on Tsunade's desk. "Mission accomplished, Hokage-sama."

She frowned. "I wanted you to bring-"

"The Sharingan back to Konoha. That's what the mission scroll stated. Since the owner of these eyes wasn't willing to return without a fight, I gave him a fight."

"And you brought me his eyes."

"After I dissolved his body with my chakra, yes."

**41) Shotgun**  
Sasuke rushed Naruto, Chidori in hand, intent on killing the infuriating blonde.

Naruto simply reached into his hammerspace, pulled out Clarisse, and planted both slugs into the Uchiha's chest.

"Idiotic traitor…" murmured the blonde as the other young ninja fell, lifeless, into the lake.

**42) Weasel**  
"All around the corpse pile  
"The clown taunted the weasel  
"The clown was having so much fun-"

Naruto finally got into position and whipped out his shotgun, firing both buckshot rounds into Itachi's face.

"Pop goes the weasel!"

**43) Massacre**  
Kisame finally caught up with Itachi. He found the Uchiha, looking immaculately pristine as always, facing off against their target from across a bloody pile of corpses. That gave the swordsman pause.

Naruto lifted a gore-encrusted finger and pointed it at Itachi. "HE DID IT!"

Kisame turned an annoyed look in his partner's direction. "Now Itachi-"

"But-"

"Business _before_ pleasure. Why would you slaughter a room full of people when we have a job to do? In fact, why would you do it without me?"

Itachi growled. "It wasn't me! That blonde maniac did it! Also, he slipped away during your lecture!"

Kisame blinked as he looked around the room now devoid of life. "Well, shit."

**44) Space**  
"Wait… Temari, what are you doing?"

She leaned forward to kiss her fellow blonde.

"Hey! You're invading my personal SPAAAAAAAAAA-" screamed Naruto as he backed off of the cliff edge and into open air.

"Oh shit!" swore the girl from Suna.

**45) Bottle**  
"Wanna drink?" asked Naruto.

"You trying to kill her?" reprimanded Jiraiya.

"Maybe..."

Tsunade looked at the bottle. "What is it?"

"My favorite!" giggled the younger blond. "Sulfuric acid!"

Tsunade lunged for the bottle as Naruto dodged, taking a large swig from it.

"You fool! You're going to kill yourself!"

Naruto and Jiraiya glanced at each other before they laughed at her worry.

**46) Jounin**  
"So you're field promoting me to Jounin?"

"Honestly kid," began Ibiki. "I'm not sure how to f*** with your mind to test you for it. Instead, we'll do a field promotion. We are in an active warzone, after all."

**47) Cloud**  
Naruto gazed up at the impressive form of the Raikage and locked eyes with him. The tension in the room rose to an oppressive level. It was several minutes before anyone dared speak.

"Go after my fiancée's eyes like you did when she was three again and I will extract your teeth through your ear canal."

"What makes you think you'd be able to pull that off, scrawny?" boomed the massive man.

Naruto grinned. "Want me to count the reasons?"

A looked unimpressed.

"One: I am the biological son of the Yellow Flash."

He looked a little shocked at this.

"Two: I am the Jinchuuriki for the Kyuubi."

A nodded.

"Three: I am the biological son of the Kyuubi's previous jailer, Uzumaki Kushina."

The Raikage began to sweat a bit.

"Four: I am the son of Uzumaki Joker, otherwise known as )Mister J(."

The massive man was more than a little nervous at that point.

"Five: I have been trained by Jiraiya of the Sannin. Six: I am the Laughing Fox."

A swallowed audibly.

"And Seven: I am one crazy-ass bastard!"

The glint of madness was in Naruto's eyes as he grinned a maniacal grin. A was shrinking back from the obviously crazy clown shinobi.

"F*** with me or mine," threatened Naruto, punctuating his statement by etching the metal table with his chakra gathered in his palms. "And I'll f*** with you _and_ yours."

Tsunade rubbed her temples. "Always a pleasant way to start out a diplomatic meeting," she muttered sarcastically.

**48) Fear**  
Hinata began talking in a dry tone.

"Prisoner has shown extreme resilience to torture techniques of various natures. Unconventional means have been used, such as water torture, tickle torture, and psychological warfare."

Music could be heard blaring into the prisoner's cell. It was from some band in Joker's home world known as the Spice Girls.

"So far, none of these have caused her to crack. As she is a high-profile prisoner, we cannot go with our more brutal torture methods. What would you suggest?"

Ibiki rubbed his chin in thought. It was true that Kurotsuchi was a high-profile prisoner, being the favorite granddaughter of the Tsuchikage, but she undoubtedly had vital information about Iwagakure.

"Have you gone to Osore yet? He's been boasting that he's got a new toxin that lasts for a few hours before the subject can regain rational thought."

"We hadn't thought to ask him. I will inform Naru-kun of your suggestion."

As she walked off, the head of the ANBU DTI mused that Hinata had started speaking in monotone when Naruto was not around. It was slightly unnerving, unlike the pompous monotone the rest of her clan used.

**49) Head butt**  
Sakon smashed his forehead into the nose of the Iwa-nin he was tangling with. Before his opponent could reorient himself, Ukon formed his head through Sakon's forehead and crashed into their opponent's broken nose, shoving it straight into the poor foreigner's brain.

Kidomaru rolled his eyes as he fought his opponents. "That doesn't mean that two heads are better than one!"

**50) Root**  
Domen frowned. Apparently the ANBU Root didn't know what to do with themselves. Since he was the one who killed Himura Danzou, the Root members started calling Domen "master".

"I'll have to speak with the Hokage about this," he muttered to himself.

**51) First**  
It was merely a matter of time. Naruto had found a way to stalemate Tobi in a fight. Sure, Tobi could teleport and turn ethereal, but Naruto's caustic chakra shroud prevented Tobi from counterattacking. It came down to a simple battle of attrition - who was going to run out of chakra first? Naruto or Tobi?

**52) Bother**  
"Hokage-sama!" exclaimed a code-breaker, completely out of breath. "I have translated the latest missive from our mole in Takigakure! They have allied themselves with Iwa and Ame and are deploying their Jinchuuriki today!"

Tsunade rubbed her temples. "If it's not one thing, it's another," she sighed. "Get me Joker or Harley."

As the code-breaker left to carry out the Godaime's orders, Tsunade pulled a bottle of her secret stash out and checked it before taking a drink. Naruto had been bothering her before his latest mission by switching her alcohol bottles with random chemicals. At least the first time she was pranked like that it was with hot sauce.

She put her bottle away just as Shizune led Harley into her office.

"Hi Boss Lady!" giggled the clown kunoichi.

"Hello Harley. I need you to send a message to Naruto. I'm sending him on a new mission immediately - he is to abort his current one."

Harley nodded. "Let me summon Shinji so you can give him the message."

**53) Brother**  
"Mo-om!" complained Jirobo. "Tayuya's picking on me again!"

Harley looked up from the corpse she was dissecting to see tear-tracks under Jirobo's eyes. "Tayuya, be nice to your brother."

"Fine," Tayuya huffed. Then, under her breath: "F***ing fatass tattler."

**54) Mallet**  
Harley swung her gigantic mallet, pressing the button on the handle. She squashed the Rain ninja into a fine paste when the rocket attachments on the mallet head deployed.

**55) Fishnet**  
Naruto decided he'd give his Auntie Anko a nice big hug the next time he saw her. Especially because Hinata had taken fashion advice from her. As well as seduction tips.

"You like?" she asked coyly.

Naruto grinned pervertedly as he took in his fiancée wearing a fishnet bodysuit _and nothing else_.

"Woof."

**56) Fledermaus**  
"I'm surprised you found a way to be both Master Bruce and the Batman," commented Alfred.

Batman's mask now covered his entire face, especially the mouth and scars.

"The press had a field day when I had to go public with my face the way it is," sighed Bruce.

**57) Question**  
The Taki ninja were confused. They were certain that they'd seen that tree before.

One of them tried to dispel the genjutsu only to find that the tree became a gigantic tiger, which then proceeded to attack the four-man squad.

Nearby, Gimonfu smiled. He was getting better at genjutsu, especially since he and Yakumo had started tutoring each other.

**58) Crocodiles**  
Kisame was somewhat pissed that the Kyuubi brat had managed to kill Itachi. He ran across the river to attack the brat when a gray hand reached out and grasped his leg, pulling him under the surface with surprising strength.

Croc grinned his crocodilian grin as he swung his other arm to nail Kisame in the stomach.

Coughing out bubbles of air, the shark man swung Samehada, clipping Croc on the shoulder. He pulled back on his sword to scrape off the flesh of the mutated human, only for the numerous barbs on Samehada to get caught on Croc's scales. Croc, being relatively unhurt, kicked Kisame right in the mouth, dislodging several teeth.

**59) Youth**  
"Yeah yeah yeah," drawled Croc. "Flames and all that."

"Why do you always dismiss the Power of Youth!"

"'Cause it makes you and yer mini-clone challenge me to a fight."

"I see," said Lee, who crossed his arms and nodded. "You provoke us to get extra training in. How Youthful!"

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Can we fight now?"

**60) Bridge**  
"When you said we'd burn that bridge when we got to it, I didn't realize you meant it literally."

Naruto turned back from the bonfire that the supply bridge in Earth Country now was to grin at Jiraiya. "Our tertiary objective was to break their supply train for the samurai of Earth Country. Why wouldn't I burn the bridge!"

Jiraiya merely shook his head.

Shino then piped in. "I like how we managed to light it while several of the supply wagons were trying to cross it."

**61) Stone**  
"Such a pretty town," commented Ino in disguise as she turned to her teammates.

"Too bad we have to destroy it," lamented Chouji (also in disguise).

Shikamaru shook his head. "Actually, the only thing we have to destroy is the monument dedicated to the Yondaime Tsuchikage, the only man to have stood up against the Yellow Flash and lived to tell about it."

Asuma chuckled. "Too bad he didn't survive the second encounter."

**62) Contract**  
"So, you want to add your mate to the contract?" asked Ushiro.

Wakamaru bent his head down and looked into Hinata's eyes. After a moment, the jackal's head grinned. "She's got just the right amount of madness in her. I like that."

Ushiro nodded. "Very well, clown pup."

Both heads talked in unison. "We, Ushiwaka of the Jackal Clan, do hereby call forth the Contract."

A gigantic scroll spawned in existence on their back, and Ushiro turned his head and gripped it with his mouth, unfurling it on the ground in front of him.

"Sign in your own blood, Pale Eyes," commanded Wakamaru. "We'll also need a handprint."

**63) Alcohol**  
"DAMMIT!" screamed the Hokage. "How does Naruto keep finding my stashes!"

In the next room, Shizune smiled as she sorted the next batch of paperwork. She was glad she offered to tutor Hinata in medical techniques in exchange for these pranks of Naruto's.

**64) Sword**  
Tobi was having a really hard time dealing with the huge zanbatou that Naruto had summoned. Sure, he could just phase through it, but one of those jackal heads would always form and bite at him. Since the heads were primarily spiritual in nature, they had managed to clip him a couple of times. Unfortunately, they had managed to chomp off his right hand.

It didn't help that he had been hit with the sword's Sixth Banner. Whenever he got close to Naruto, his body was pulled towards the blade. Very frustrating.

**65) Lightning**  
Jiraiya palmed his face. What was the first thing Naruto did upon reaching the home of Killer Bee? He picked a fight with him. Now the Eight and Nine Tails were duking it out, all over what Naruto had said.

"Oh great. Another hip-hop wannabe. STOP TALKING IN RHYME, FAGGOT!"

As Naruto summoned _another_ hyena to help him fight the brother of the Raikage, Hinata spoke up, surprising Jiraiya and Bee's three apprentices.

"You know, Naru-kun is only testing himself out against the Hachibi to see if he measures up to an older Jinchuuriki."

At Jiraiya's groan, Shino added. "He won't be satisfied unless he can curb-stomp Bee."

**66) Rain**  
"Look at all this destruction!" complained a dying shinobi. "Will you not be satisfied until we are all dead?"

Joker smiled evilly at the Ame ninja. "We _won't_ be satisfied _until_ the Village _Hidden_ in Rain has been _flushed_ down the _drain_."

Jirobo giggled. "Hey Dad, that rhymed!"

**67) Fox**  
Naruto walked right up to the cage and grinned at the tenant. "Hello Kyuubi."

"**F*** you,**" wheezed the demon. The Nine-Tails had seen better days. He was emaciated. His fur was gray and balding and his skin had dark purple patches. He was still an infinite chakra source, but the feedback from Naruto drawing so much chakra from him on a frequent basis was torture.

"You know, this is still better than you deserve, especially since I learned what you did at the behest of those murderous Uchiha."

"**Hypnosis,**" gasped the fox.

"Bullshit. I know that you enjoyed every minute of every attack you did. They merely used a minor hypnosis to keep you from eating them, and the rest was you. Just you. No loyalty to the Noble Uzumaki Clan that protected you. Traitorous bastard."

The Kyuubi growled at Naruto, but it sounded sickly. "**You're... crazy...**"

"... like a fox," grinned the blonde. "Not my fault, but at least I understand loyalty."

**68) Snow**  
"So you're sending me to help protect some client on their way to their home?" asked Naruto. "Have you SEEN my mission record? Particularly the one to Wave?"

Tsunade frowned. "I'm sending you because one of your summons could really help the mission. Also, you're going with Shikamaru, Ino, Chouji, and Asuma."

The younger blonde nodded. "How about Shino and Hinata?"

"I will be sending them on a mission to River Country. They will be meeting with a team from Suna and they will take their orders from the senior commanding officer from there."

**69) Flying**  
Gimonfu looked highly amused for some reason.

"Hey, Eddie," began Naruto. "What happened?"

"Genjutsu is a wonderful thing," replied the man in green. "A Chuunin who was being particularly annoying to me has no idea he's in one."

Naruto nodded.

"And there he goes..." Gimonfu said, pointing up at the sky and an object flying through it.

The blond clown blinked up at it. "How did you manage that?"

Gimonfu smiled. "I made him think your mother was single."

Naruto's face blanched. "I think I'm going to be sick."

Edward Nigma chuckled. "This pranking game of yours is rather diverting."

**70) Fire**  
"You idiot," growled Tsunade. "That's our daimyou. The lord of our lands. Don't insult him!"

Naruto snorted. "Doesn't mean he knows what's good for Fire Country."

The noble raised his eyebrow, clearly bemused. "And what is good for our nation?"

Naruto locked eyes with the man. "Laughter."

**71) Smoke**  
Shino was pissed. With all of the smoke around his hive was sleepy. His opponent may have actually figured out his weakness. Oh well.

The Aburame tapped a seal on his wrist, summoning his favorite toy: Hidan's Scythe.

When in doubt, silent killing method.

**72) Demon**  
"You okay, Gaara?" asked Naruto.

"Fine," the redhead assured him.

"... don't you miss the voice in the back of your head?"

Gaara stared stoically at Naruto for several minutes. "I'll manage."

"How about your sand?"

"Unaffected by the extraction of my demon, oddly enough."

"Huh." Naruto was completely confused.

**73) Objection**  
"Next witness," called Tsunade. This trial did not look good, even though she was the judge. Somehow, Sarutobi's old teammates had managed to get a court-martial for Naruto going. The charge? Sasuke's "murder".

Wait, why had Naruto's lawyer called Osore up to the stand? Didn't that sociopath hate the Uzumakis?

"And what is your statement?" asked Kotetsu.

"If Naruto is found guilty, Konoha dies."

"WHAT!" yelled Koharu. "You dare make threats in the courtroom!"

Osore laughed. "It's a fact, rather. See, if Naruto is found guilty, he will receive public execution. Since he'd die anyway, Joker and Harley would try to kill everyone in sight. But they won't need to."

The scrawny man with the burlap bag over his head lifted a radio transmitter. His thumb was keeping a button depressed. "There are canisters hidden throughout the city with my fear toxins kept in ultra-pressurization. If this button does not remain depressed, the toxins will immediately be spread throughout the civilian sectors and will saturate this building. I have the equipment to survive the gas and the Uzumakis are immune to it anyway."

Osore chuckled evilly. "The only reason I haven't done it before is because Joker would kill me. But if you try to kill his son, he'll let me slaughter you all without repercussion. The jury has two minutes to find the Uzumaki brat 'not guilty'."

Not a sound was heard except for the muffled snickers of Joker and Harley.

**74) Spicy**  
"I like this curry," Naruto told the old woman.

"Yosh! It burns with the Flames of Youth!" proclaimed Lee.

Neiji was drinking a jug of water. Tenten, a pitcher of milk.

**75) Red Hood**  
Naruto walked home after a trip to the ninja outfitters. He hoped his father would be proud of his costume change. While much of the outfit resembled what it did before, his head now had a red hood over it, and a red veil cloth over his mouth and nose with the pattern of a fox's toothy grin stitched on it.

He was hoping to get a new name in the Bingo Book.

**76) Blade**  
Naruto swung Hachiman over his head and into a downward arc. Tobi blocked it with an ultra-dense katana, putting a notch into the cutting edge of both swords. Suddenly, Yonman's head materialized and took a chunk out of Tobi's shoulder.

As Naruto pulled his sword back, Yonman smeared the blood all over his muzzle against the flat of the blade.

As it was capable of doing before Hachiman had been bound to it, Kubikiri Honchou absorbed the iron out of the blood smeared on its surface and used that to repair itself.

**77) Heart**  
Hinata struck another one of the masks, her acidic chakra spiraling with her regular chakra into the construct. While she knew she missed the heart inside of the mask, the vortex her chakra made created a vacuum, imploding the mask and destroying everything inside of it.

Kakuzu roared in frustration as yet another one of his hearts died.

**78) Regicide**  
"You know our daimyou would never approve of that," admonished Tsunade.

"What the daimyou _doesn't_ know won't _kill_ him," countered Joker.

The Hokage cocked her head at Joker and frowned. "Did you just threaten to assassinate him?"

"I think he did," stated Osore. "I must say I approve if my plan will be rejected outright."

Tsunade palmed her face.

**79) Seven**  
"Look, Kubikiri Honchou belongs to the Mist. Without it, we can't have our Seven Swordsmen."

Joker chuckled. "_You'll_ just have to have _Six_ from now on, _unless_ you can find a Kiri-nin who can _survive_ signing the Hyena and Jackal Summoning _Contract_."

"What?" asked the Mizukage.

Naruto grinned. "Dad and I bound the sword to the three-headed Jackal, Hachiman. You won't be able to use the sword unless you can summon him _and he decides to not eat you_."

**80) Hot springs**  
Naruto found the Toad Sage at his favorite peep-hole, yet again.

"Did you not learn your lesson last time, Ero-sennin?"

"I never learn my lessons," Jiraiya responded.

"Do I need to Rasengan your ass?"

"... What do you want, gaki?"

"Yomi Numa."

Jiraiya sighed. "That is not your element at all."

"True, but I still want to learn it."

**81) Smile**  
"Why would I want to be Hokage?" asked Naruto. "I just want to spread smiles and grins and laughter over _all_ the lands!"

Gimonfu blinked at the blonde's strange pose, then decided to ignore it. "Wouldn't being in a position of power help you facilitate such a goal?"

Naruto blinked for a moment before the young clown grinned. "Eddie, you're a genius!"

"I know."

**82) Ships**  
"So the locals say that some sort of kappa has been sinking their boats?" asked Anko.

"Apparently," Tsunade responded. "I want you to select a team to look into it."

The snake mistress rubbed her chin. "Hyuuga Hinata, Aburame Shino, and Uzumaki Naruto."

"Don't you think that's a little overkill?"

"Well, I need someone who can easily see under the water, a good fighter, and an analyst. Hinata has better eyes than the rest of her clan, and the other two work well with her. Besides, there's no kill quite like _over_kill."

**83) Shoes**  
Tenten eyed Naruto's footwear. "So why do you wear those heavy boots when most ninja favor sandals?"

"First of all, they are a lot more durable. Steel toes and shanks. Second, they help with chakra training because I have to exert more control and power in order to stick to trees or stand on water. And third, if I could not be silent with these clunky boots, then what kind of ninja would I be!"

"Uh..." began Tenten, but she was interrupted.

"SUCH A YOUTHFUL RESPONSE!"

**84) Argument**  
"No! A thousand times NO!" Jiraiya was exasperated. "We're not bringing your fiancée and best friend with us on our training trip!"

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Hinata?"

She popped her knuckles. "I'm sorry Jiraiya-sama, but I think I'm faster than you are. I can make your testicles explode by the time you can Shunshin away."

Jiraiya suddenly heard a buzzing all around him. A glance to the side revealed glowing kikaichu.

"You're surrounded by exploding insects," chimed Shino. "Your argument is invalid."

**85) Shield**  
Frustrated that two of his hearts were gone, Kakuzu went ahead and sent a number of Jiongu tendrils straight at the pale-eyed bitch who had saved Sharingan Kakashi from his wrath. Hinata raised an eyebrow at the attack before pointing her palms away from her body.

Using her natural flexibility, she moved lances of caustic chakra all around her, creating a sphere of energy.

"Shugohakke Rokujuuyon Akunashou!" (Protection of the Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Venomous Palms)

The Jiongu threads actually screeched in pain as they came in contact with Hinata's defense. Instead of simply falling apart and dissolving like they normally did, the tendrils actually caught fire.

Kakuzu yelled in pain as the Jiongu transferred its torment to him.

**86) Acid**  
Naruto shoved his prisoner's face into a vat, and the man was screaming in pain as he was pulled out. The young clown left the ninja writhing on the floor as he turned to the other captured nin.

"That is hydrochloric acid - the kind found in the average person's stomach. Are you going to tell me what you know or am I going to heartburn your face off?"

**87) Pants**  
"Shino, why are you wearing those? They hug your lower body worse than Guy's and Lee's do."

"They're made of leather."

"Am I going to have to steal them and destroy them or are you going to return to a more sensible wardrobe choice?"

Shino turned to something behind the tree he was standing next to. "Pay up. I told you I could get Naruto to not only be serious, but annoyed at the same time."

Naruto laughed as he saw Shikamaru hand Shino a wad of bills from behind the tree.

**88) Brain**  
"Eddie, what _did_ you _do_?"

"I think I just fried his brains."

"We'll have to hold on to his comatose body for a couple of weeks to see if he wakes up," stated Ibiki. "If not, we'll just ship him back to Kumo."

**89) Plant**  
The Iwa squad found a clearing in the forest that had strangely colored flowers growing in it. As they tried to leap over it, vines shot up and grasped them by their arms _and_ legs, pulling them down. Seedpods lifted themselves from under the flowers and began to fire at the heads of the screaming ninja.

Elsewhere...

Ivy lifted her head from Tenzou's chest. They had just finished another round of sex and the ANBU captain was asleep. The redheaded woman, though, felt signals coming from her pets she had put in a loose perimiter near the Stone Country borderline.

More plant/zombie slaves had been captured.

**90) Grass**  
Hinata smirked over the corpse of the Snake Sannin. She pulled the sword from his chest and examined it.

Truly, the Kusanagi was a beautiful sword. Maybe she should keep it?

**91) Flour**  
Chouji threw down what looked to be a smoke bomb, but instead of a thick smoke, a white powder filled the air.

The Ame-nin started coughing, not realizing that though they were inoculated to most poisonous gases, they were not immune to common baking flour which was sticking to the insides of their lungs.

**92) Freezer**  
"NARUTO!" yelled Harley.

"Yes, Mom?"

"What have I told you about leaving the freezer door open!"

"That it ruins the corpses we have in there for research?"

"Exactly." She then kicked him in the jaw.

**93) Dango**  
Anko was happy. The twins, Sakon and Ukon, kept paying for her dango addiction. It also helped that they were wonderful in bed.

She'd have to thank Orochimaru before she killed him for bringing her a pair of boyfriends that were willing to share her.

**94) Flower**  
"So this is your army of plant slaves?"

Ivy nodded.

"So that's why they each have a flower growing out of their foreheads?"

**95) Orders**  
"I'm not so sure we were supposed to kill this guy," commented Naruto. "While I enjoyed it… wouldn't it have been better to be able to interrogate him?"

Hinata had a contemplative look before she retrieved the mission scroll from her pocket and re-read it. She then had a bashful look on her face.

"So?" inquired Shino.

"… I read it wrong," she finally replied.

**96) Shuriken**  
Naruto was glad that Chouji's family were catering the wedding. The Akimichi Clan were famous for their food, and they could provide a great deal of it. He turned to see his father leaning back, finished with the meal. Having cleared his plate, he was using a shuriken to pick his teeth.

**97) Bomb**  
Shinobi were so silly sometimes. They usually thought that only seals and tags explode.

"Naruto, how are we going to destroy this building?" asked Shino.

"C-4 yourself," giggled the blonde as he placed a large bag of high-powered explosive near one of the support beams.

**98) Hat**  
"So why would I want to wear that?"

"It's a symbol of the office."

"So?"

"Gaki! You've gotta wear it if you're Hokage. You can't be Hokage and not wear the hat!"

Naruto snorted in derision. "Whatever you say, Granny. I don't want to be Hokage if I have to wear the hat."

As Naruto left, Tsunade found her stash (which Naruto hadn't found yet) and took a long swig from it. "Curse these Uzumakis; they drive me to drink!"

**99) Boot**  
Zetsu popped out of the ground only to have the rubber sole of a boot slam into his nose, shoving the bone straight into his brain.

"FINALLY!" yelled Naruto in relief. "That game of whack-a-mole was getting monotonous."

**100) Begin**  
The Chuunin Exams were being held in Kiri, for once. Naruto turned to his team - three brats only five months out of the academy and _boy_ did they learn a few things about an Uzumaki's sense of humor - and began to address them.

"Before you formally enter the exams, there is one thing you must know."

"And that is?"

The Jounin took a pompous tone. "Some of you may die. That is a sacrifice Konoha is willing to make." Switching gears, Naruto suddenly became serious. "That said, I'll be around to pull your collective bacon out of the fire when I'm allowed to."

* * *

End Interlude.

Author's Notes

So my wife started to do this sort of thing with her Hellboy fanfic. I figured it would be a good way to drag my muse (kicking and screaming) back from wherever she was hiding this time (especially since my wife's laptop - the one with many of my writing files stuck on it and no working USB port - died and that scared my muse away for awhile).

Some of these are spoilers and some of them are random "what-ifs". Have fun figuring out which are which.

Thanks go to **Dumbledork** for making sure this is not laden with typos.

And yes, number 29 is homage to the movie "Batman Begins".

I was definitely going to use 73 in a chapter, but I have no idea if it'll actually fit in the story. Regardless, you have the privilege of reading the scene.

Number 89 is indeed homage to my favorite casual game. And 94 is a _Pikmin_ reference.

Also, my wife has a book out on the Kindle. It's called Glass by** LA Knight**. Read it if you like the fae (especially the dangerous, flesh-eating kind). Read it if you like Lewis Carroll. Read it if you like urban fantasy. But buy it if you want to help me (since my wife and I have a shared bank account). You can find the url to it on my profile page or you can find her profile page under my "Favorite Authors" tab (she's got the url to the Kindle version AND the large-print paperback flavor on hers). If you want to wait awhile, she's soon going to have the regular type version out for paperback. UPDATE: Links to all versions on my profile.

Also, I'm going to be at Phoenix ComiCon 2012. I'll be dressed as Big Macintosh from FiM. UPDATE: Well, that was fun, though only a couple of people recognized my costume. And I didn't meet up with **Hanzo the Salamander 2.0** either.


	19. Return of the Weasel

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: whoever told you that I owned these characters was lying.

Chapter Eighteen: Return of the Weasel

00000

Temari had asked Naruto where his favorite place in the whole village was. He would have said that it was his home, or the DTI, or the Hokage's office, or the Forest of Death, or even Ichiraku's, but he actually spent some time thinking about it.

While he rarely went, he did have one place that he felt at peace at and could organize his chaotic mind to avoid massacring Konoha citizens. He figured she would want to go there.

He took her to the top of the Hokage Monument - more specifically, the Yondaime's head. As he limped along on his crutches, he thought he probably looked like a shambling zombie. _Hmmm... I wonder if I can use my chakra to make zombies?_

They finally arrived on top of the effigy of Minato to view the Village from above.

"I come here to collect myself," Naruto said. "I don't need to do it often, but it is very quiet."

He turned to her as she sighed. "It's very beautiful up here, Naruto-kun."

_Wait, -kun? Are we that close already?_

As he puzzled over this, she slowly started advancing towards him, eyes closed and lips puckered.

"Wait," Naruto said, starting to back up. "Temari, what are you doing?"

She leaned forward to kiss her fellow blonde.

"Hey! You're invading my personal SPAAAAAAAAAA-" screamed Naruto as he backed off of the edge of the Yondaime's hair and into open air.

"Oh shit!" swore the girl from Suna. She knew she was dead. If the Hokage didn't have her killed, Naruto's mother would do her in!

00000

Naruto stared at the fox within his cage. "Feedback? So that's the reason you haven't been active?"

"**Yes, gaki. The last time I fed you some of my chakra, a lot of yours flooded into me, damaging me greatly. I can no longer control my own chakra.**"

"Sooo, that means that there's nothing really stopping me from taking a hold of your chakra on my own, is there?"

The Kyuubi blinked. "**KUSO!**"

"Yeah, I guess that makes ME the Kyuubi from now on, doesn't it!?"

The fox sobbed pathetically at that. "**My chakra****.**** The plaything of that little psychopath,**" he cried. "**Remaining sealed within Kushina would have been preferable to **_**this**_**!**"

00000

"-AAAAACE!" Naruto screamed as he channeled the fox's chakra into his legs, regenerating the damage to them and re-setting his bones. Feeling more energized, he flipped backwards and landed gracefully on the roof of a random building.

The blonde blinked before laughing. "Oh HELL YES! The Laughing Fox is back on his two legs!"

So overjoyed at no longer being crippled, he brought his crutches over his head and smashed them into his crainium, snapping them into pieces. Despite the fact they were made of steel.

00000

Jiraiya was walking along with Naruto on their way out of town.

"So Temari is not going to get in trouble?" asked the Sage.

"Not unless she tells Hinata that she tried to kiss me, no."

Shaking his head, he gestured to Naruto's sake bottle. "So, what do you have in there?"

"Hydrochloric acid mixed in a one-to-one ratio, by weight, with concentrated rattlesnake venom. Why? You want some?"

"Uh..." Jiraiya hesitated to snatch the bottle from his godson, but then he remembered Naruto's bloodline. "No thanks. I thought it was straight sake."

Naruto paused for a moment before nodding. "Sorry, I forget that most people are featherweights when it comes to poisons."

"That's alright," the older man chuckled. "I forget how hardcore your family is when it comes to drinking."

Naruto chuckled briefly. "So where was Tsunade seen last?"

"The last any of my contacts had seen her was two weeks ago at a town to the northwest."

"Oh?" the blonde replied, putting a rubber stopper in his bottle of poison. "Nothing but gambling dens in that direction for a few days as the ninja jumps."

"She's... a gambling addict," Jiraiya admitted.

Naruto shrugged. "And I'm a psychopath with rather violent tendencies. I don't see a problem with that."

00000

Naruto and Jiraiya traded notes on their individual sealing styles while traveling between Konoha and Pleasure Street Town. Being a traditionalist when it came to seals and having more than forty years' experience in the field, the older man was able to teach Naruto a great deal. On the other hand, the blonde was legitimately insane and the biological son of a sealing prodigy and had discovered many shortcuts through dangerous experimentation and was able to teach them to Jiraiya.

When they arrived at the town, a beautiful raven-haired woman wearing a black, strapless number winked at Jiraiya.

"WHOA!" groaned the older man. He quickly turned to the blonde. "Naruto!"

Rolling his eyes at the Toad Sage's antics, Naruto responded. "Yeah?"

"Book us a place at that hotel! I'll meet up with you later!"

"Have fun, you damned pervert."

00000

Naruto heard a knocking at the door to the hotel room. He snorted in amusement.

_Must have been rejected already_, he thought as he made a clone and sent it to answer the door.

He bolted for the window when he heard his clone laugh out a "Hello, Itachi!"

_A missing-ninja just happens to knock on my door?_ he mused as he quietly slipped out the window and jumped away. _Not likely. He must be after me and not Jiraiya. Not that I blame him._

Naruto saw Sasuke running towards the hotel he had just left and threw a kunai that just missed the Uchiha youth to get his attention. As Naruto jumped to the next roof, Sasuke landed next to him.

"Where's Itachi?" he demanded.

At that moment, a major explosion occurred in the hotel Naruto had booked. Sickly green gasses were pouring from the holes in the structure.

"Hopefully suffocating on Smilex," Naruto retorted. "But not likely."

Sasuke glared at the blonde. "Why would you try to take my revenge from me?"

"Look, I knew Itachi when he was still loyal to Konoha," Naruto responded as he led Sasuke away from the hotel. "Back then, he was stronger than most Jounin. Now, he probably rivals most Kage. Neither of us are at that level yet, but if he dies to a cheap shot, then all the better."

Sasuke finally calmed down, seeing the logic in it.

"That said, we're being chased."

00000

Sasuke suggested splitting up and trying to find Jiraiya individually. Naruto went with the plan because it would divide the pursuer's attention. Sasuke went west when Naruto made a feint to the northeast but instead went directly south. Unfortunately, that led him right through a wooden fence.

He immediately stopped.

He stared at a bunch of naked women trying to enjoy the hot springs.

They stared back at him.

Before any of them could say anything, he turned right around and walked out of the fenced-in area. Maybe northeast _was_ a preferable direction after all?

He started running when he heard feminine screams of indignant rage.

00000

Sasuke's mind was racing. He had to find Jiraiya! If he found the Toad Sage, then he'd be able to bring the old ninja to Naruto. After that, he'd be able to find a way to get in a "cheap shot" once Jiraiya and Itachi began fighting! It was a perfect plan!

If only he hadn't literally run into Might Guy.

"YOSH! Sasuke! I must inform Naruto and Jiraiya that two S-Ranked missing-nin are trying to hunt Naruto down!"

"Naruto already knows! We have to find Jiraiya!"

"They split up?" If Guy's face looked any dumber at that moment, Sasuke would have thought he was braindead.

"So I really _was_ chasing the Uchiha runt after all," Kisame growled. He gave a toothy grin. "On the bright side, I get another chance at killing _you_."

He suddenly swiped Samehada towards Guy but the taijutsu specialist dodged the attack with ease.

00000

Naruto managed to hide himself from the few kunoichi that had been bathing in the hot springs. There were several foreigners staying there, and from their pronunciation he deduced that they were probably from Kumogakure (Hidden Cloud).

"I thought you were interested in that crazy Hyuuga bitch," a voice whispered into Naruto's ear. "Be a shame if she found out about your peeping habits, no?"

Shoving a live squid into Itachi's face, he bolted from his hiding place and nearly ran straight into one of the Kumo kunoichi. She managed to grab him by the collar before he could dart past.

She had long blonde hair, bound tightly with bandages (which Naruto found weird). Her dark eyes held contempt for Naruto, but held a great deal of curiosity. Her black and purple blouse was nearly skin-tight though her black slacks were fairly loose. Above her fingerless gloves on her left arm was a tightly-wound white bead chain.

Naruto felt a thrumming from his seal as he looked up at the woman's face and the Kyuubi whispered the number two in the back of his mind.

Itachi chose that moment to step out from the garbage pile, the squid clinging desperately to his right arm. He gestured towards Naruto with his left.

"I'll be happy to rid you of that nuisance," he said.

Before the woman could speak, Naruto responded, pointing at the kunoichi. "I could understand if you hated _me_, but what do you have against _her_?"

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "I actually have nothing against either of you. I simply want what is inside of the boy."

"Because _that_ doesn't sound perverted at all," the woman deadpanned. The two other kunoichi who were with her started pulling out weapons.

"Wait," Naruto started, "you're after my Biju?" The women seemed startled by it. "Are you after her Biju too?"

Itachi narrowed his eyes as the woman growled at Naruto.

"How would you know that I have a Biju?"

"Second of all, you just confirmed it for me," Naruto grinned at the kunoichi. "But I knew because the Kyuubi told me that you have the Nibi."

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't let him have you."

"Why would he be after the Kyuubi and just the Kyuubi?" Naruto turned to the Uchiha traitor. "I'm guessing that the weasel would come after the cat after he's done with the fox."

She turned her gaze towards Itachi. "We'll set aside our differences for now, Konoha scum."

"Just don't look into his eyes," Naruto advised as he pulled out a pair of cod. "He's got the Sharingan."

Itachi chuckled. "I thought you were trying to get away, Naruto. Now you turn to fight me?"

Naruto's hands made the horse and monkey seals. "I'm merely fighting to run away." He grinned, showing the yellowish tint his teeth were slowly developing. "The 'Caustic Fist' is a nice jutsu, but I figured I'd take it a step further." He swiftly inverted the monkey seal. "Akuna no Yoroi!" (Armor of Poison)

Naruto's skin paled as his hair became green. Bubbles of caustic chakra formed around his hands just as with the 'Caustic Fist', but they were much larger than those of the 'Caustic Fist'. His entire form seemed to shimmer and blur - it would hurt one's eyes to look directly at him due to the chakra/light distortion.

Itatchi took a step back as Naruto's eyes shifted to purple with red sclera. Itachi's eyes hurt to simply look at the boy as he was covered in a shroud of chakra, making his eyes unable to predict what the young Uzumaki was going to do next though they were automatically trying to do just that anyway.

The lead Cloud kunoichi brought her hands up. Her nails each grew to be about a meter long and became gunmetal gray.

"You're about to find out why they call me Hellcat Yugito," she growled, allowing some of her Biju's killing intent to leak through.

Naruto suddenly dashed forwards before he darted to the left while Itachi had tried to dodge to his right. The Uchiha had to stop his momentum instantly as several shuriken passed through his path. He jumped over Naruto's kick while using a kunai to deflect Yugito's stab. He used his free hand to catch the kunai thrown by the third kunoichi while trying to mule kick the blonde maniac. Naruto barely managed to dodge it, but he grabbed onto Itachi's leg with his hands. The caustic chakra began to eat through fabric and epidermis alike when Naruto yelled out "DUCK AND COVER!"

Itachi's body exploded, revealing that it had been a shadow clone. Both of Yugito's associates were caught by more shadow clones of Itachi, each with a kunai pointed at the womens' throats.

Yugito managed to land on her feet while Naruto climbed out of the garbage pile. Whatever was touching his body was withering, melting, and/or dissolving as he pulled himself to his feet.

"Bunshin Daibakuha?" the boy asked. (Clone Great Explosion)

A wooden beam hit Naruto across the back of the head, causing him to tumble forwards. Yet another Itachi was holding the piece of lumber, and it was this one that responded. "Correct. It seems it was wrong of me to have Kisame chase after my worthless brother." He turned to Yugito. "Keep out of this affair and your associates might yet live."

The blonde woman growled, the noise coming from deep in her gut. "I'M ALREADY INVOLVED!"

"Back out now," Itachi commanded, "and you won't have to explain to A why two good kunoichi had to die today just to save a single Leaf scum." He immediately twisted out of the way of Naruto's dive and hit the boy across the kidneys with the beam, cracking the wood. The boy's technique broke, splashing corrosive energy onto the ground.

Naruto coughed while lying prone in the dirt. "Gonna wizz red," he murmured. _**No you're not! You have my chakra!**_ "Shut up, Kyuubi! Don'tcha know what a reference is?"

"Are you going to come quietly?" Itachi asked.

"Pretty sure I'm a screamer," Naruto said as he rolled onto his back, channeling the fox's chakra throughout his body.

Itachi paused. "What?"

"Think like the sexual deviant you are," he grinned weakly as his colors returned to normal. "Also, Hiru Banshou: Bouka no jutsu." (Leech All Creation: Attack Prevention technique)

Naruto sank into the ground as if it were made of water and he of lead. Itachi gave a derisive snort.

00000

"Kuchiyose: Yaiba no Hachiman!" (Summoning: Hachiman's Blade)

Naruto was sticking out of the wall into a small smuggling tunnel as he summoned the sword form of the three-headed jackal.

**"What're we killing now?"**

**"Someone strong, no doubt."**

**"Can we get some ice cream?"**

"We're going to be a landshark!" Naruto declared as he pulled the blade into the wall after him.

00000

Itachi was mentally going through what Earth Release jutsu he had learned before he had to dive to the side to avoid being impaled by a blade.

**"Missed,"** it said.

**"He dodged to the west,"** it spoke again in a different voice.

**"Blood smells like copper!"** it giggled in a third before it slid back into the ground.

Itachi had to dart away again when it shot out of the ground a second time.

However, an ethereal jackal muzzle materialized out of the side of the blade and caught the rogue shinobi by his left big toe.

**"Eeney meeney mine-y moe-"** sang the first voice.

**"Catch a weasel by the toe-" **continued the second.

**"If he hollers BITE IT OFF!" **they finished in unison while the mouth crunched down on Itachi's foot.

The Uchiha gasped in pain before tearing himself away from the sword. He was disoriented now that he was missing one of his vital toes, so it was no surprise that he fell onto his backside when the jackal face spat the toe at his forehead.

**"Eeney meeney mine-y toe!" **the third voice laughed.

Before Naruto could pull Kubikiri Honchou back into the ground, Itachi's shadow clones appeared near their fallen creator. Using a fireman's carry to pick him up, the three Itachis disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

**"The weasel ran away!"** sang the three voices of Hachiman.

Naruto pulled himself out of the ground and dismissed Hachiman. He turned to find Yugito and her two companions approaching him.

"Thanks for the help," the boy groaned as his legs gave out from under him, plopping him down onto his behind.

"You have the Kyuubi, then?" Yugito asked, ignoring his gratitude.

"Yeah. Just like how you have the Nibi."

"I wonder how much ransom money Konoha would pay to have you ba-"

Naruto's raucous laughter interrupted her. He fell onto his back and held his sides, cackling with mirth. "GOOD ONE!"

"What's so funny?" asked one of the other kunoichi.

Naruto paused. "Oh, you were serious. Here, let me laugh harder!" His legs began kicking in the air as he rolled around in the dirt, laughing for all he was worth.

"So they wouldn't pay a ransom for you," concluded Yugito.

The boy's laughter subsided into chuckles. "Naw. My dad wouldn't let them. He'd figure that if I could get myself into such a situation, I can get myself out. Also, Mom would charge Kumogakure no Sato by herself just to get me back."

"Who are your parents?"

"Huh? Oh riiiiiight. You _don't_ know," Naruto said as he flipped to his feet and dusted himself off. "Dad is known as 'Mister J'." He snorted at the paling faces of the women. "With Mom's help, he managed to kill the Kazekage."

He turned away from them and started walking off. "Thanks for distracting Itachi long enough for me to summon Hachiman! Maybe we can work together again someday, ja?"

One of Yugito's companions kicked him in the back of the head, her boot making a solid impact. Naruto rolled forwards and landed on his feet.

"What was that for!?"

"Your father tortured my older brother to death! And you think you can just walk away!?"

"Attack me again!" Naruto challenged. "I dare you! I double dare you! **They won't** **find enough of your body to fill a sake saucer!**"

A red chakra shroud enveloped the boy, giving him a fox's outline. Before he could attack the woman, or vice-versa, Yugito got her in a chokehold. As the woman began to black out, Naruto allowed the chakra to dissipate.

"Sorry about that," the blonde woman said. "I'll make sure she isn't allowed back into Fire Country. It was interesting to work with you."

As the kunoichi all disappeared, Naruto snorted. "Translation: she's gotta report to the Raikage about how strong Konoha's Jinchuuriki is."

"Undoubtedly," agreed Jiraiya, standing just behind the boy. He turned to see the older man carrying the woman who had winked at him earlier that day. The woman was unconscious.

"How long have you been watching?"

"A good spy master never reveals his secrets."

Naruto blinked, and then kicked Jiraiya in the shin. It was funny to watch the old man trying to not drop the woman as he cradled his injured leg with his other hand.

"It's _magician_, you senile old goat! A good _magician_ never reveals his secrets!"

When he stopped hopping around, Jiraiya got a serious look on his face. "So..."

"So?" responded Naruto.

"You realized that Itachi and Kisame were way out of your league, eh? Is that why you bolted from the hotel?"

"Well, duh. I don't have enough tricks up my sleeves to be able to deal with those two. I did know Itachi before he killed his clan, and he was pretty strong back then."

"And allying yourself with another Jinchuuriki?"

"Finding her was dumb luck, honestly."

Jiraiya nodded, then looked over at Naruto. "What do you have there, gaki?"

"The weasel's wallet."

00000

End Chapter 18.

Next Chapter: "You sure she's the same age as you?"  
"... shut up."

Author's Notes

I will NOT apologize for how long this chapter has taken to write. Sixteen months for roughly 3,000 words is not a good writing rate. Stupid real life...

I have a tumblr now. Two, actually. One of them is 5007 dot tumblr dot com and the other is kidssayweirdstuff dot tumblr dot com.

For those of you who do not care for Pony, don't read the remainder of this paragraph. Did they all skip ahead? No? HEY STRAGGLERS! SKIP ALREADY! They gone now? Good. "Your Summon is Pink" is the next fic I'll try to work on.

Thanks to Dumbledork for being my beta.


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